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Desperate for Help

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Medic274A, May 17, 2021.

  1. Medic274A

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    Alright... so this is a touch long winded... but here goes nothing.

    I'm a 30 year old out gay man that works in public safety in Massachusetts. I'm your typical Alpha style personality and could he described a bit more masculine with feminine characteristics.

    Given my job, I work closely with police officers on a daily basis. Mostly in three fairly small towns in the central region of the state. I've been here for almost 3 years... well....

    Two years ago I met this incredibly handsome guy who is an officer in one of the towns. He and I have developed a decent friendship. And I'd resolved myself to the understanding that he's straight, not interested, and wouldn't be interested even if he was gay. But last summer, things seemed to get a little different between us.

    It started with walking up to me sitting in my car and tugging on my sleeve and just acting really giddy, hanging out at work during downtime, and even bought me lunch on a few occasions. I asked him, point blank, if he was into men. He said no. So, ok, went on with life. His behavior tapered down. And I chopped it up to a guy just very comfortable with himself.

    Well, it started up again about a month ago. The teasing, the seeking me out at work, etc. I got just tipsy enough to call him out on it (last week). Told him that he confuses me... that he flirts with me one minute then insists he's not into guys the next. I told him that I am into him and that I didn't think I hid that fact well... His only response, "You hide it well". WHAT?!

    So I pressed harder... asking if he had anything else to say about my admission, which he evaded. Then proceeded to tell me he wasn't flirting, never thought he was flirting and that I was overthinking. Which, could absolutely be true. But, I've fallen for plenty a straight man... and there's ALWAYS been the assertion that he's straight. He didn't even do that.

    After a bit, I told him what he did that made me believe he was flirting (back to the day he tugged on my uniform shirt) and he evaded that as well. I followed up with telling him that I was convinced and understood if I ruined the friendship. He was adamant that I hadn't.

    So I'm so confused and feel like my friendship with him is such a roller coaster. He's incredibly handsome and a really great guy. The kind of guy I could see myself settling down with. If he's straight and I have no chance, why not just tell me so I can get over him? Why keep playing coy? Am I really overthinking this or do I have a legitimate reason to be confused? I'm confused about being confused. It's exhausting. I'd love to hear some input.
     
  2. QuietPeace

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    Welcome to EC.

    From what you have said you have every right to be confused. The thing is that unless he opens up about what he is really feeling there will be no way to be certain about what is going on. It is possible that he is actually into you but too far into the closet to be willing to do anything. It is also possible that he is not into you or men at all and that there is just mixed or misunderstood signals.

    From my own past, I had a friend who was even out to me as bisexual. For over a year I felt that she had been flirting with me, long talks, asking me to her place and doing things together. I finally asked her out and she freaked, she said that she did not feel that way about me at all.

    I think that your bet course of action would be to just wait. If and when he decides to come out to you then you can pursue things. This may be very difficult for him in his profession and in a small town environment. Pushing him on this will probably result in resistance so leaving him to figure it out himself is most likely best. I know that it will not be easy since you seem to have developed feelings for him.
     
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  3. sojabohnenfeld

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    I'm sorry you feel this way.

    You have a legitimate reason to be confused. There's many ways to interpret this person's behavior... and they don't seem to be interested in making it more clear for you. Don't you deserve someone who isn't going to disrespect your time?

    I'm sorry for the negative answer. Also, it could be that he isn't sure about his sexuality... But I'm not sure what to say about that.
     
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  4. Lek

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    I agree with sojabohnenfeld that you deserve to be with someone who can give you what you need.

    He may not be aware that he's flirting. I think that people who aren't ready to come out will cling to denial and projecting ("you're overthinking it"). Confronting him just may make him dig in.

    Perhaps you can settle your confusion by definitively deciding that you two can be friends and that's all. As QuietPeace said, it may not be easy since you have feelings for him.

    Take care of yourself.
     
  5. PatrickUK

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    It's a fact that many straight men are more curious than they care to let on. When in the presence of an openly gay man they feel somewhat liberated and allow the mask to drop (I have seen this myself), but that's when the lines can become blurred - for them and us. We know they are flirting and deep down they know it too, but if they cross the line it's a point of no return... or at least it seems so. If he allows himself to go any further, will he then have to confront the idea that he is at the very least bisexual or even gay? Will you confront him with the idea that he is bisexual or gay? For a man who has built his life around the idea of being straight that feels like too much to handle and more than he dare contemplate, so the safest thing to do is to try to walk the line and go as far as he dare.

    I actually think there are straight men who just want the freedom to experiment without getting into labels. To just have some "fun" with another guy (which may include sex) without any commitment to romance or a relationship. The reason they suppress and hide their feelings is to avoid getting into difficult territory, with question marks about who they are. It's slightly controversial to say this, but I don't necessarily think it makes them anything other than straight even if they were to do this - occasionally. They might lose their gold star though. :slight_smile: Could this be your friend at work?
     
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  6. Medic274A

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    I agree that I deserve someone that will respect my time and, frankly, the emotional roller coaster he's caused has definitely exacerbated my already fairly fragile mental health.

    But its hard... that was precisely why I told him that I liked him. I figured he would politely reject my affection and I could, them, force myself to move on. Instead, he's cryptic and responds inappropriately which provides more confusion and that finality I am looking for.

    Like... You're straight? OK. You're gay but not into me? OK! You're gay and really are into me. Fantastic!! But just be real. I just want a definitive answer. And I realize that I'm not entitled to one nor will I likely get one. It's just so much harder to move on without closure.
     
  7. sojabohnenfeld

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    I think I understand how you feel. But from the outside, this IS closure. I know it probably sounds mean but... I believe if he felt something he would probably respect your time better. But this is just my opinion.

    Just wondering but does he value you as a friend? Did he always know your sexuality??
     
  8. Shadowsettler

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    A lot of straight guys have a really weird of "playing around" with their gay friends. I have a straight friend and he's always saying really weird, flirty things, rubbing my shoulders... for some reason it's funny to him.

    It used to bother me but I've learned that it's just in good fun. I don't get offended nor uncomfortable anymore. Unfortunately, if it bothers you the only thing you can do is find some serenity in the whole situation or maybe try asking him to stop.

    I know that if I liked a guy and he "wasn't interested" but play-flirted with me I would be rather upset. It's not exactly fair but again, straight guys are weird ~~ but it's not very fair to you. He's not the one that's hurting so he should show you a bit of respect.

    I don't care how Alpha you claim to be, you have feelings and sensitivities. You're only human. It's normal to feel hurt by the rejection but then to have him playing games only salts the wound.
     
    #8 Shadowsettler, May 21, 2021
    Last edited: May 21, 2021
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