Ever since the beginning of this school year, I've been very busy. And along with this business comes stress. Lately, though, its been really bad. I'm overwhelmed, overworked and sleep deprived. I haven't been talking to my friends as much in the past yr but especially in these past months. I've never been a very social person, but I'm talkative. Also, on top of all of this, I am trying to figure out my identity. I'm the type of person who tries to put on a straight face even on my worst days. Most of the time, I will tell someone I'm okay even if I'm not. And honestly, I may just need to vent. This October, I got what I consider a bad grade on a very easy test. I was very very upset. It messed up my whole day. Then, on the bus ride home from school, I started thinking, what if I was dead. What would life be like. I thought, how great would it be if I could just disappear. I contemplated texting a crisis hotline, but then I thought I was overreacting and it wasn't worth it. I ended up going home and watching mental health ted talks for an hour. Coincidentally it was depression awareness month so on snapchat, they had an article about someone talking about her depression. She described it as a dog. She was born with this dog. It layed low for a while. But then it started to act up, especially at the worst times. She had to learn how to tame her dog. She talked to other people with all different size dogs. Sometimes her dog acts up, but she learned how to try to control it. I wonder if I have a dog. What if it's just starting to act up? Sometimes, I just feel invisible. Like I could disappear and no one would notice. Sort of like Evan Hansen. (yes, I'm a theatre geek, don't judge) And sometimes, I just wish the world would stop. Potentially even end. That's kind of how I felt today. A bunch of small bad things happened and then one big thing happened. I was away for the weekend and today I was coming home. This morning, I lost a pair of very special earrings, tonight, I got into an argument with my mom and my family got involved. Then later tonight, my parents told me that they had found the B word written on my desk in red lipstick. By then, I was stressed out, tired, overwhelmed. They started asking me a million questions, potentially accusing my best friend, who I knew wouldn't do that. I ended up crying multiple times tonight. I didn't want to go up to my room and see that. I eventually convinced my dad to wipe it down. But first, he took a picture and forced me to look at it. Now I'm mentally, physically and emotionally drained. And sometimes I feel like I'm being pulled in a million different directions. Like everyone needs a part of me. And they just keep taking and taking and taking until I'm gone. I'm just the essence of a human being. Sometimes I think the worst part about this is that I have a great life. An amazing life. Such a good life, it would be too boring to write a movie about. At least most of the time. And I honestly feel guilty and selfish for feeling this way. And to add on to the thing about understanding myself. I don't know who I am anymore. And honestly trying to rediscover that is draining. I'm clinging on to life by a thread. Now I know I could never bring myself to kill myself, but I'm scared for my future because I'm not psychic. And I don't want to die young. I have great friends, a great family, good grades. (I'm hoping I get into Yale when I apply in 4 years). I'm an overachiever. And also an overthinker. So now, please, please help. I really need someone to hear me. Because I'm barely holding on. And if you somehow managed to read all that gibberish, thank you. Thank you so so much.