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Depersonalization

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by staticinmyattic, Jan 8, 2022.

  1. staticinmyattic

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    Does anyone have experience with depersonalization related to gender dysphoria? I’m on an antidepressant for the first time in a while, and I’m currently experiencing a depressive episode. My depression isn’t gone under medication, it’s just less overwhelming, allowing me the opportunity to scrutinize my own mental state. I’m able to recognize my feelings of depersonalization (disconnection between internal, thinking sense of “self” and the body/personality seen by the world). Basically it’s like the “me” in me (the part that thinks) isn’t involved in the life of the meatbag down below. I’m just on autopilot, which is fine. I simply don’t care. But I’m concerned about long term effects. I can see why this state has negatively impacted my relationships and careers through my life. It’s a horrible feeling. It used to make me feel suicidal on a regular basis, but not now. I don’t feel much of anything.

    I’ve read accounts of trans people who have felt their depersonalization become better after beginning hormone treatments. They can feel and connect to people again. I want that so badly. I know it’s possible, I know I have emotions, I just don’t feel them. As I write this, I’m openly crying, yet I have no other display or sensation of feeling. I just know I’m in a situation where crying is the thing to do, so I am.

    I’m a convincing automaton. No one but those closest to me know when I’m sleepwalking, and even then they don’t mind it. I’m still very pleasant to be around. It’s just not pleasant for me. My fear is that I will grow old, and one day the feelings will all be there, and I will regret not doing what I had to do to EXPERIENCE the one life I have. It seems like a disrespectful and ungrateful waste of the gift of life to walk through it half awake.

    One way or the other, I have to adopt a program for managing my mental state that will last the rest of my life. Do I transition and risk nothing getting better but losing what I have? Or do I stay the course of making the most of being a half-person?

    I think I’ve made the decision to live as a half-person. This is me grieving. I think my grief is a bit messy right now. Thanks for reading my little confession.
     
  2. bingostring

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    Depersonalisation sucks. Mine is not connected with gender dysphasia though, I am told that it is related to anxiety.
    I am sure anxiety is there in the mix also?
    If you can improve the anxiety then the depersonalisation may improve.
    Talking therapy and / or mindfulness may also help.
    Reviewing your meds next time … mention it
    There are books and videos on it but few people understand how disabling it is

    you may have to live with it for a while and learn to push it to one side and you won’t suffer so much.
    Easier said than done.
    I hope you get some relief soon
     
  3. chicodeoro

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    Hi Static. I think I get it. I too am on antidepressants and have been for 18 months. I've found there are pros and cons to them. What's good is that I'm able to cope - before I started taking them I was crying most days and really struggling. The cons are that I don't feel as much any more. For example I went to a funeral of an old friend of mine a few months ago and whilst many of our mutual friends (blokes included) were in tears, I felt detached and disassociated from it all.

    In terms of how that links in with dysphoria I'm not sure. Sure, I hate my body as it is and I hate it when I have to present as male and people read me as male. But I'm able to get through it with because I know this won't be forever. Whether that's just my rational brain able overriding my emotions or it's the antidepressants working their magic, I can't tell. But I know I can cope.

    May I ask were you proscribed antidepressants for a chronic condition? If not, then surely the pills are just part of a short term strategy? Also...have you talked about this with the doctor who proscribed them? And do they know you're trans?

    Do you mean you're grieving for your old self? In which case, I get it. I think it's underestimated sometimes how bittersweet the whole coming out/social transition process can be. Whilst it's wonderful to be accepted as female, I still loved my old male self and most of the time I was happy as him.

    Beth x
     
  4. staticinmyattic

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    Hey Beth, thanks for replying and for your questions. The antidepressants were prescribed to treat chronic depression by a psychiatrist who has no idea I’m trans. I’ve discussed it with a therapist, but our schedules changed and we couldn’t continue sessions. I see my therapist every couple of months for the sole purpose of getting anti depressants refilled.

    My grief isn’t for the past, but the future. I’m coming to terms with the knowledge that I am trans, that to lead a full life as myself I would have to transition, and I will not be doing that. I’m grieving that my hope for a future where I don’t feel like this is something to let go of. I don’t know what the rest of my life will look like, or how I’m supposed to live like this, but I’m going to. I’ll have to figure it out
     
  5. bingostring

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    Isn’t this the root cause of your depression and depersonalisation?
    Don’t you have to either (i) transition or (i) sign up 100% that life isn’t going to be like that
    and you are going to be happy with that decision because it is your decision and nobody else’s.

    Then you can still proceed through life with acceptance and hope.

    it sounds to me like a chunk of talking therapy would help you resolve the conflicts and explore the pros and cons and find a way ahead that you can accept and be content with
     
  6. chicodeoro

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    ...Which begs the question why?

    I understand, a bit...I mean when I first realised I'm trans eighteen months ago there was a large part of me that went 'oh s***. That's all I f****** need!' Because it's daunting. I still feel like I'm winding through the foothills of an enormous mountain I have to climb. But I gotta do it - if I don't I'm never ever going to find the happiness I feel I deserve.
     
  7. quebec

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    Hello All.....I've been taking anti-depressants now for quite a long time. In the beginning it was due to long-term chronic pain. But it was also because I was trying so hard to hide my sexuality from the world...and indeed from myself. I just didn't tell the doctor about that part. Later on, after I had finally accepted that I am and always have been gay, and had connected with a therapist, the medication and dosage was changed. I still had a lot of shame and depression to work through...it doesn't go away the moment you come out! :old_frown: The meds gave me a "breathing space" until I was able to make enough progress to be able to reduce the amount I was taking. As I have worked through a lot of issues over a period of years, we have continued to adjust the dosage. I still have considerable chronic pain due to deteriorating spinal discs and seven spinal surgeries. That means I will continue to take anti-depressants as well as pain meds for the rest of my life. I've said all that to make this statement: You have the right to a doctor who will pay close attention to your needs. The anti-depressants need not affect you in the ways that several of you have mentioned. I should modify that statement that there are some people who will always have a poor reaction to any particular medicine. But the majority of people, if the physician is willing to take the time to try different meds and dosages, should be able to lead a pretty normal life while taking anti-depressants. I've never experienced the fogginess/out-of-body feeling that others have said their anti-depressants have caused them. I don't think that I'm the one-in-a-million that doesn't have side effects. If you are having those side effects, I'd suggested that you seriously encourage your physician to work with you to find a medication and dosage that will help you without turning you into a zombie. If the doctor won't do it or says it can't be done...look for another doctor. You health is important and sometimes you have to be proactive in your own defense.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
    #7 quebec, Jan 9, 2022
    Last edited: Jan 10, 2022
  8. Tightrope

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    I have been on an SSRI antidepressant for a very long time. I have been on it long enough to see what the physical side effects might be. I have not seen things like weight changes and changes in sexual functioning and other not so great things you might see when your lab work comes back. What I have experienced is something the prescribing psychiatrist told me was "emotional blunting." Back then, it was a psychiatrist that prescribed them to me. This "emotional blunting" is a persistent numbness. This came on fairly early and has stayed with me.

    I have tried to go off of them. A few times, I just stopped taking them but the effect of that was far worse.

    Work with your health providers to adapt the medications and the dose for your needs - for what is going on with you right now. That's always going to change. Sometimes you can't have your cake and eat it, too. With medications, it can be a trade-off where both you and your prescriber need to look at the positives and negatives and make decisions.
     
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  9. staticinmyattic

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    I can explain the why. It was my childhood. Mentally ill mother, passive father, younger brother. I was the peacekeeper, vigilantly monitoring everyone’s emotions, trying to maintain some kind of harmony and protecting my brother when I had to. It didn’t leave me any time to consider myself, and I don’t think I know how to. It’s made me very empathetic, to the point that it’s almost a super power. The price I pay is that I don’t have any sense of self.
     
  10. staticinmyattic

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    Another observation that just occurred to me. I can’t do anything for myself without permission. I don’t feel comfortable making plans, purchases, or taking any time for myself without knowing that someone else has said it’s ok. Example: when our first child was born, my wife suggested I sell one of my guitars for some extra cash. This was heartbreaking for me. However, pain of parting with something of value to me was dwarfed by the impulse to self sacrifice for others. So I sold ALL of my musical instruments. Guitar Center gave me a pittance. It was like deliberately killing a part of myself, but I did it willingly because I did not value myself. I didn’t replace them until years later, when my wife figured out what I wasn’t telling her and insisted I go guitar shopping. She had to push me to do it. I am paralyzed from acting on my gender dysphoria and depersonalization because it feels like a selfish act unless I’m given permission. That isn’t going to happen.
     
  11. quebec

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    Static.....I haven't read all of your posts...so I don't know this....are you currently seeing a therapist? The things that you describe are absolutely things that a good therapist can help you work out. Those are some of the very same things that I was dealing with before I started seeing a therapist and he helped me so much to overcome them. If you are seeing a therapist, please bring these things up to him...and if you have already done so, then perhaps you should consider a different therapist. I'm quite serious about this. What you mention as the things that are negative aspects of your life DO NOT have to be there...they can be overcome with the right therapist! Please take this very seriously!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  12. chicodeoro

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    Static - I'd just like to echo what quebec has said re therapy. But also...what is positive is that you are aware of the problem. That is the first step to doing something about it.

    Transitioning is absolutely not a selfish act. It's going to make me a lighter, happier person to be around - which will be to everyone's benefit!
     
  13. staticinmyattic

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    Thank you both. Message received
     
  14. staticinmyattic

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    An update. I have steadily felt my sense of self split. There is my spirit, which I think of as me, and then there’s everything else. I no longer think of “my” name as mine. I think of it as “his.” Same for his face, body, hair, voice, resume, relationships, education, and everything else that makes his identity. In a way it’s a relief. If he is not me, well, his problems and incurable misery aren’t my problems. Recognizing this basic truth calms my emotions. Cut off from “me,” my body (and by extension, experiences of emotion) has become much more benign and docile. Anything that would have previously caused me anxiety I now wave off as “his problem, not mine.” A spirit doesn’t have problems related to the physical world. The flip side is that I have never felt more alone. I only exist as thoughts in the mind of a man I don’t particularly like. No one even knows I’m here.
     
  15. quebec

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    static.....I know it's been a while since I wrote a post to you so I thought I should follow up. Have you ever managed to connect with a therapist? I know I said before that a therapist could be a very real help for you. I just wondered if that has happened (and hoped that it has). Any way, I hope that you are well.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
  16. staticinmyattic

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    I haven’t yet. I know I should. The truth is that I don’t know if Im buying what therapy is selling. Not to knock it, I’ve only had good experiences with therapists in the past. I’m just very tired of fighting. It feels like I’ve been trying to be okay for so long with nothing to show for it. It seems like trying to change is pointless, but becoming okay with not being okay seems to have some potential. Still, keeping up appearances on behalf of, well, my IRL self means he’s going to have to see a therapist. The truth is, now that I think of it, he’s been in therapy many times, but I never have. It always ends the same way: in my practiced way, I guide My Guy through the necessary gestures of appearing to “get better.” The therapist declares him well, and they part. Then My Guy would go back to beating the crap out of me with thoughts, dreams, and emotions. It finally feels like I have the upper hand on the bastard.
     
  17. chicodeoro

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    So who is 'me' in this sentence, Static? What does she want, ultimately? How is she different to the 'my guy' that you mention? What end point does she want to work towards?

    I can only echo what David has said. All these are questions that you should be talking over with a trained professional.

    Beth x
     
    #17 chicodeoro, Mar 2, 2022
    Last edited: Mar 2, 2022
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  18. staticinmyattic

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    The "me" in that sentence is the spirit that I identify as myself. What I have changed in my way of thinking is that I'm not trying to force the word "me" onto an identity that is not "me." Sorry for nerding out here, but it's like Yoda's advice for Luke, something along the lines of "Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter." Well, I've been referring to the "crude matter" as myself all my life, never understanding why that made me miserable. I am a luminous being. What makes me "me" is not tied to my body, face, receding hairline, deep booming voice, gargantuan feet, or name that sounds like some kind of British Lord. That's just my identity, no me "me" than the identity of staticinmyattic. If anything, the identity of staticinmyattic is far more representative of "me," because right now I'm not choosing my words based on what's best for My Guy, but what's best for me. It's like My Guy and I have a truce going after being at war for forty years. He gets the body, the identity, the outward physical-world life. He's like the front of house staff. I get the mind. I'm allowed to think, feel, and enjoy mental experience free of the brutality that inevitably comes from the discord between body and spirit. My Guy can't "think," not in a rational way. He can just react. He's a testosterone monster. When he "wants" something, it's always tied to something physical (safety from threat, food, sex, sleep, etc). My relationship with My Guy has become like a mother and a toddler now. Uh oh, My Guy's thirsty, he needs some water. Uh oh, My Guy needs a snack, he's getting cwanky. He just waits for instructions, I give them, and he follows them. Then I make him give me books and music to enjoy. I know this sounds like mental illness, and it probably is, because it seems like an improvement. I understand the logic of splitting one's sense of self across mental and physical lines probably isn't "good" in the traditional sense, but it's providing me with relief. Anyway, I've listened to your advice and sent an email to a therapist who seems like a good match.
     
  19. Rayland

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    I think it would do good for you, if you could find you yourself a good therapist. We can leave your guy out of this for now. Therapist isn't selling you anything, they are there to help you and offer advice. You know how well I can understand all of this and I'm seeing a psyhiatrist and it has made things better. You need a good therapist though and I'm sure they could help you with this, if you tell them all that is going on with you.

    If you don't deal with your worries, then it will only get worse. Just being okay, while really not being okay is hard and can start having effect on your health.

    You deserve being happy. You can get through this. We are all here for you.
     
  20. chicodeoro

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    This is good news. Do let us know how it goes.