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Denial or forcing myself to be smth else?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by takemeout, Jan 10, 2018.

  1. takemeout

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    I identify as a gay female; I am absolutely comfortable with an idea of being in a relationship with a woman, it feels so natural and right, like it's exactly what I'm supposed to be, and I love it.

    Yet lately I have some unpleasant thoughts running across my mind, like it will change in the future, and right now I have to try more to wish I could have a relationship with someone of the opposite sex. It's like I wish I could genuinely want it, and simultaneously, don't want this to become true, I dread it. It's like I don't want to be limited, but don't want to be forced; and this notion that being a lesbian is limiting makes me very sad. The idea of having relationships with women only is fine and comforting, in fact, but there is a thought that tells me that I'm not worthy enough if I don't desire to have relationship with men. It's like I think I can get used to it, because there are plenty of good guys out there; what if I could be happy this way?

    Aesthetically, I can appreciate anyone (I am an artist, so noticing beautiful features happens automatically). And when I do see an attractive guy, I usually think "he looks cool, I wish I had such attributes/flat chest". And of course my overthinking mode goes off ("See, you do find him attractive, that means that with some effort you could have a relationship with him, and maybe even have sex"), and after couple of minutes I end up feeling very bad and depressed. I'm having these instances nearly every day, I'm so exhausted because of them.

    Does this sound like a denial, or is just me having mad intrusive thoughts?

    I also haven't been diagnosed by a professional, but after some research I've concluded that what I'm experiencing is some sort of though OCD (HOCD; I know that some people here take this separate classification with a grain of salt, but some may understand better how I view this whole issue of mine).
     
  2. Kelseyk92

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    You remind me so much of myself. I honestly think that it's just overthinking. But at the end of the day, we cannot make ourselves straight. Trust me, I'd love to think that one day I could fall in love with a man, but I don't think I could see that happening. Being with a woman seems more natural to me
     
  3. takemeout

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    Thanks for your answer; yeah, eventually I do realize that what feels natural is an answer, but it's so easy for me to get carried away by some thoughts and doubts, so that loop starts again from time to time; everyone knows me as an over-thinker, hahah
     
  4. Kelseyk92

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    I know how you feel, believe me, it’s horrible
     
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  5. takemeout

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    Anyone else?

    I do have to mention that whenever I think about it, I get extremely depressed, and it does nothing but brings me down.
     
    #5 takemeout, Jan 16, 2018
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  6. BosiMalkia

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    never struggled with this but I would tell you that its not that big of a deal, just because you look at a guy and find him attractive does not mean you want to sleep with him. Most people i find attractive does not mean i would want to marry them or make me question my sexuality. It could of been the way that person carried him/her self or a energetic aura around them that you may not see with your physical eye. Do you feel like a woman can give you everything you want in life without you feeling unfulfilled?
     
  7. takemeout

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    Thanks for your answer; yes, I definitely feel that I can be fulfilled with a woman. Not sure about a guy; even if theoretically I, say, imagine becoming intimate with a man (physically and emotionally), it's like something protests inside of me. And I can't find the answer: is it my mind being stubborn, or is it just trying to tell me I'm truly gay.
     
    #7 takemeout, Jan 18, 2018
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  8. NickiFire

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    Hey there! I totally understand that you're having these kinds of thoughts, especially if you have a tendency to overthink things. Sexuality in general is such a confusing thing, and it's hard to pinpoint. But my advice to you would be to know that it's okay to be dating women even if you were also attracted to men. It certainly doesn't invalidate your feelings for women. If you don't want to limit yourself to a gender, try taking it person by person and being open to any feelings you may have for them.
     
    #8 NickiFire, Jan 18, 2018
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  9. redstatic

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    I have these thoughts a lot. I've been questioning for two years and have only had crushes on girls, I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't be in a relationship with a guy; yet these thoughts just appear out of nowhere. Like, "yeah, you've only liked girls in your life and have never had a crush on a guy before, but you thougt that the man with that cool jacket at the mall looked very good so you can't be gay". And honestly it's so frustrating, how do you even deal with it? I also tend to look a lot at men's faces and bodies because I draw mainly guys and it really helps me out with the anatomy, but even though I know what the reason is, there's still this thing in the back of my mind that tells me that I'm actually attracted to guys.
     
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  10. NickiFire

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    Ugh that sent before I was finished typing. To continue, make sure you are not overanalyzing your feelings as they pop up. Our basic core feelings tell us everything we need to know, but if you overanalyze them it will contort things and you won't get anywhere. I experience something extremely similar to you, in which I can appreciate a good-looking guy. The key point for me was that when I looked at, talked to, or was around that guy, I was my normal self. I didn't have any butterflies or overwhelming feeling of attraction. When I'm around girls I'm attracted to, it's a huge huge difference. I get butterflies, my cheeks heat up, I'm self-conscious, etc. So while my mind still sometimes says "hm maybe you like guys too" I can tell based on my body's physical response that no, I only want to end up with a girl. Basically just make sure it's your heart talking, and not your mind, when you're making important decisions about who you are or what you feel. Cause your mind is contaminated but your heart will tell you everything you need to know :slight_smile:

    Hope this helped a bit. Good luck with everything!
     
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  11. takemeout

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    Thank you so much for the response! Yeah, you're right about the core feeling and the mind being contaminated, and I relate a lot to what you've described about being around a girl (excitement, pleasant feeling, a pull to be near to her) vs a guy (either my normal self, as you said, or a feeling of slight nervousness/not pleasant feeling of self-awareness, but it may be linked to my insecurity about being around someone I know may be seen as more attractive than me (well, that sounded weird)). And I tend to be closed off from people generally, so that affects the whole issue too.

    You said "If you don't want to limit yourself to one gender"; that's when the doubt creeps in again, because theoretically, people are people, and from a moral standpoint, it's a person who matters, not their physical shell, BUT practice and experience proves otherwise (for me personally). It's like I don't have a problem at all with other gay people being gay (in fact, I admire their understanding and acceptance of own self a lot), and for some reason it seems that I have this weird notion that being bi is the most right thing, because it correlates to that moral that I've described above. And I also have this tendency of trying to learn what I can't do, or fix something I'm not capable of.

    That really sounds as if I think that wanting to be with women only makes me wrong, doesn't it

    Ok, I hope this rant was comprehensible; thanks for your input again

    Hey, thank you for the answer; it's like you've described me, actually. I love cool and aesthetically pleasing stuff, and because right now I obsess over this, whenever I see something/someone cool, my mind goes like this: "It's connected with a guy, right? So that means you're attracted to him. Now panic".
    Yeah, I don't know how to deal with this too, that's why I'm here.

    Tiny off-topic: I have some roots in Romania :grin:



    Usually, I don't call out specific members of this site, but I'm curios about what @Chip has to say about this (would be very grateful for the input)
     
    #11 takemeout, Jan 19, 2018
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  12. readynow

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    No advice to offer but I just wanted to say I can totally relate to this...
     
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  13. Assassin'sKat

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    Look, I used to have the same problem. Probably why, for a long time, I thought I was bi. At some point, I had to admit that I only wanted to be with women.
    Yet, I still had moments where I was afraid I was in denial too, because I too could appreciate that some men look nice.
    But would you want to be in a relationship with them? You say with some effort you could. I had thoughts like this as well. But the thing is, it would take effort to grow used to be being with men, and even then, I would just be putting up with them. I wouldn't feel about them the way I feel about girls.
    There are a lot of pretty people in this world, and just because you notice that they are attractive does not necessarily mean you want to be with them. It's okay to acknowledge a man's beauty. It does not mean you want to be with them.
    There were even times where I wished I did want them, because I wanted to be 'normal'. But the fact is, I only liked the way they looked. There wasn't sexual attraction, I had no desire to be with them, I just thought they were pretty. There's nothing wrong with that.
    If you still are feeling bad about this, it's okay. It will pass.
     
  14. takemeout

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    Hey, I'm very thankful for your input, it truly means a lot to me. Especially that bolded part really hit home - that's what I need to make myself comfortable with, but I guess I still have to work a lot on accepting that and on gaining some more confidence in myself and my persona. Really, the notion seems so simple, yet I can't fully accept myself.

    Yeah, I still tend to feel bad about this; definitely wish it to pass as soon as possible.
     
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  15. readynow

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    I agree this has given me something to think about