(I apologize in advance for any grammatical errors or misspellings. English isn't my mother tongue.) A few months back I started slightly questioning my gender identity but it never bothered that much because I wouldn't think about it often. The moment I learnt about the term "demigirl" I felt like I could identify with it but because it doesn't diverge all that much from being a "girl" I didn't feel like it was worth mentioning to anyone - I felt like it wasn't worth coming out. Whenever I would think of it, I wouldn't go in too deep trying to understand it and all I felt was that I still couldn't fully put my finger on which term I identified with the most - demigirl or genderfluid (or somewhere in between). Up until this point, the term agender had never even crossed my mind. A few months later, I mentioned all this to a friend (in a very casual way, without going a lot into it) and from the moment I got home I couldn't help but to think about my gender identity obsessively - it was the only thing on my mind. This was when it all came to me at once: all those times I never really felt like a girl when among other girls (I never felt like "one of them"), all those repressed feelings of feeling so different from everyone when I couldn't really understand why I felt that way... So, this is what you should know: I usually present myself in a female/ androgyne way, I wear makeup and, besides having short hair, I don't distance myself a lot from a typical female appearance. The thing is I don't feel that none of that stuff plays an important role on which gender I identify with and having female features doesn't cause me any dysphoria whatsoever - I accept that I was born (physically) female and I'm okay with that, it's a part of who I am (there's no denying that) but it doesn't really play a part on which gender I identify with. Right now, I, after deep and constant thinking trying to figure all this out by looking back on how I've been feeling all my life, I feel like I'm somewhere in between the terms agender and demigirl... maybe because I'm still in the process of accepting some things. I don't fully identify with being a girl in a social, cultural way but much less with being a guy... I don't feel like I have a gender but the fact that I present myself in a partly feminine way is holding me back from fully embracing it... it's like I don't feel worthy of it enough... I came out as bi a few years back and it wasn't until I started sharing it with some of my close friends that I truly accepted it so, now, I feel like it should be about time to talk to some other friends (besides the one I already mentioned), or at least my boyfriend, about this so that saying it would help me understand it better. However, every single one of my friends (including my bf) I've talked to about these things don't seem to get it - one of them even said that people who identify as something else other than male or female are just "special snowflakes looking for attention"... This really hurts me and makes me reluctant about telling them because none of them is educated on the matter and I really don't want to be the one to educate them due to the fact that all I really want right now is for them to just get it, without the minimal explanation... Of course I could just not come out, but it's such a big thing to sit on, it's eating me up inside... And, in order to be my true honest self with the people I love, I think I need to share this with them... even if this is all just about a term; I think I need to do it, especially after repressing these parts of myself for years just because I couldn't understand them. I guess I just want to feel understood and a little less alone so that this whole accepting / coming out process becomes a little easier. Writing this already helped.
Don't let it eat you up. I just began talking about possibly being genderfluid. My wife says she's known I was (and she calls me her boy sometimes (I was born female) which made me happy but even happier now that I know she meant/means it literally) I recently made a thread similar to yours but because I felt for you reading this I want to reply. Writing it out and talking helped me immensely already, I'm glad you're letting it out. I know the world thinks with all the new gender identification possibilities people are seeking attention but we (and most others) know that's not it. I worry too, I think 'I'm already labeled as bisexual and married a woman, what will people think if/when I tell them I'm genderfluid on top of that?' but typing it, thinking it, saying it makes me smile makes me almost shake/buzz under my skin. If it's a part of you don't deny it but don't feel obligated to label yourself. This discovery is mostly for you, all these identifications are to help you be comfortable and happy and understand who you are. Again, you've already noticed letting it out this much helped you so I say let it out as much as you can every new day if it makes you feel better, liberated or simply happy.
