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Deleting each other on things after a breakup??

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Ameryllis, Jun 11, 2021.

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  1. Ameryllis

    Ameryllis
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    Hey everyone!

    So me and my girlfriend broke up, and it was a mutual end that we both realized had to come. We just realized we weren't compatible and both could find someone who we would be happier with. It was a very friendly call, and we were both crying or on the verge of tears. She told me that it would take her a while to get over all the emotions of the breakup, and that she was super worried before that the call would end in us blocking each other or something/we wouldn't remain friends after. We discussed hanging out again after everything settles and still texting when we are comfy to.

    i honestly have been doing fine (like a little sad of course but nothing super dehibilitating) and not really struggling as I have with previous breakups, I think because I was hesitant for months because I noticed our incompatibility. But I have been finding it stressful noticing she unadded me on Spotify and Snapchat and this triggers a lot of worries. She still has me on Instagram, and I am worried she will unadd me. I think i am worried that would indicate maybe it wasnt a friendly end, and she is mad at me or remembers something bad I said or did in the relationship or during the breakup (though i cant imagine anything i could have said or did, i am just worried!)?

    Why do you think she might be unadding me on things? Is she probably having a hard time with the breakup, just generally, or do you think she maybe doesnt want to stay friends/is mad?
     
    #1 Ameryllis, Jun 11, 2021
    Last edited: Jun 11, 2021
  2. Loves books

    Loves books
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    She’s probably just having a hard time with the breakup and doesn’t want constant reminders from all the stuff she normally uses. She also might not be fully interested in remaining friends. If it was me I would ask her directly because I wouldn’t like to stress out over something that might not be an issue. But maybe that wouldn’t be the ideal course of action?
     
    #2 Loves books, Jun 12, 2021
  3. PatrickUK

    PatrickUK
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    When a relationship comes to an end we really need to define our intentions very clearly. Many times people break up and talk about remaining friends in the hope of rekindling things in the future, so the real intention is not to make the break and move on, but to try to hold on instead. When this happens we stay connected on social media and make regular check-ins on each others profiles to stay in the loop and then become quite upset at signs of change. Is this happening with you?

    When two people break up it's best to avoid making a commitment to remain in contact or stay friends. Sometimes it is possible and sometimes it isn't, but we cannot arrive at that determination on the day of the break up. We need to give ourselves space and healing time, even if the break up was amicable. We need to think about the future and how we might manage a close friendship with our ex alongside a new relationship. Will that be possible or will it be more complicated or messy? I've seen it from both perspectives.

    When it's over, it's over... that's just how it is for some people. It doesn't mean they hold anything against their former partner, but just can't manage the idea of moving on and staying in touch at the same time. It's not easy for us if we really want to stay friends (or have other intentions), but sometimes we just have to be grateful for what we had, while it lasted and accept that it's come to an end and look forward.
     
    #3 PatrickUK, Jun 12, 2021
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  4. Mirko

    Mirko
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    As Patrick mentioned in his post, different people will come to define the relationship after the breakup differently, even though they might have indicated something different prior to it. It is possible that your former girlfriend thought that it would be possible to stay friends or at least have some contact in person and/or over social media. To me, it seems reflecting reflecting on the breakup and trying to move on, she is perhaps realising that she needs to have a clear break for now.

    In so many ways, you have your answer in this part of your post.

    Try not to take it personal or feel that she is angry at you; if she deletes you off her profiles, or removes your access to her social media profiles, that's okay. Let her find her own way in moving on.
     
    #4 Mirko, Jun 12, 2021
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  5. resu

    resu
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    One thing I've read of why breakups hurt is that they represent a literal loss of identity as being a partner, so the exes have to basically reform their identities as individuals. I also think dating is kind of a fast track alternative to friendship: not every friendship lasts forever, which is also okay. Patrick is completely right that there needs to be enough space to make an effective break, and people handle it in different ways. You cannot control another person's behavior; and neither should others control yours.

    I want to also reiterate Patrick's point about being grateful: social media can create too high an expectation of knowing other peoples' business. Just imagine in past decades where if people moved away or lost someone's phone/address, they would hardly know what happened to other person.
     
    #5 resu, Jun 23, 2021
    Last edited: Jun 23, 2021
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  6. Jo Hannah

    Jo Hannah
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    Hi, I can’t add much more than the excellent advice you have already had. I have removed my ex friend from all my social media and blocked her from searching me, she started to post publicly updates on her life and kids, and although we weren’t linked as friends I could see them. So I eventually blocked her.

    I worried about how I might hurt her for doing that, it was a very difficult decision for me to cut those last threads of information, but seeing her posts and her online status, getting timeline reminders of things we did together was so painful and had me trapped in the past, So after much soul searching I just had to do it for my own sanity. I wished I could tell her why because it felt like breaking up again, and I didn’t want her to be hurt by my actions, I can’t guarantee I will keep her blocked as I still crave knowing she’s ok.

    I just wanted to give you how I felt as it may help you to see it from the other side.
     
    #6 Jo Hannah, Jul 3, 2021
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