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Deeply depressed

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by JToivonen, Dec 22, 2019.

  1. JToivonen

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    So, this is the final week of my marriage.

    My wife is due to leave town on Dec. 27. She'll take my baby daughter with her.

    I've already personally come out to the one I wanted to - that includes all my sisters, both my parents and my closest friends.

    The way my friends reacted couldn't have been better. My family, not so much.

    So now there's this MASSIVE pressure for me to make my marriage work...my parents (obviously without my knowledge or consent) "decided" that I'll not divorce and I'll keep being the loving and faithful husband I've always been.

    Of course it doesn't change things, but it adds an overwhelming pressure.

    And people from church, even without knowing what's going on in my life, keep telling that I have to make a greater effort so God can change me. One of my sisters told me that I'm allowing Satan to "normalise" homosexuality in my mind that's why it feels okay now. But I shouldn't let him "legalise" his things in my soul and mind.

    My brother-in-law told me that I'm abandoning my daughter just like dad did to me when I was six...it makes me feel like I'm a coward. He told me I'm giving up on my family just so I can live a life of pleasures and desire.

    Incredibly one person who's supporting me is my wife's father. He told me to rest assured that my girls would be taken care of. He also told me there was no one to blame in that story, since I didn't do that on purpose.

    Still...life is such a burden now... I'm weak, I'm a coward...all I wanna do is lay down on my bed and stay there all day. I don't wanna eat. I'm avoiding people. I'm such a chicken that I'm not even helping with packing...my wife, soon to be ex, is holding on together. And I'M THE ONE who hurt her. Who shattered her heart. I'm such a selfish monster!

    I wish I could just vanish. Just die. Then I'd no longer exist and people would be able to move on without remembering that taint in their lives I became.
     
  2. Shadow N

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    It might not be easy but just remember that you can still be there for your daughter when she needs you (since you are her father and no one can take that away from you), just always be there for her to support her, encourage her and motivate her in life to live her dreams and be the better version of herself. Regarding the marriage I know it might be harsh but it was better for you to be sincere with your wife instead of staying with her an entire life living a lie with her that might hurt you and her even further including your daughter (sometimes frustration can degenerate into mistreatment or any form of vice like alcoholism to cope with internal pains that you will not be aware off since they will be buried in your subconscious mind and will only be reflected as unhappiness and a form of anger or frustration that will keep you down and you don't know why you feel that way until you sit and explore your thoughts and feelings and then they become clear). Just remember be there for support and build stronger bonds with the family and friends that showed acceptance towards the real you in order for them to see that you are there to support your daughter and that you are not running away in any way and that coming out was just you being sincere with yourself and others and that you wish to show honesty instead of having your loved ones believing a lie.
     
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  3. Mysteria

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    First of all, I have to categorically deny the idea that you're a coward. I've been reading your posts, and reading this one, and this is not cowardice by any stretch of the imagination. Cowardice would be giving in to everyone, staying where you are, living a lie, a fake marriage. You're living an authentic life, you're brave enough to be the villain of this story so that your wife can have the chance to find someone who can truly love her....there is so many ways that you're showing bravery.

    When I first talked about my sexuality to a friend, she told me that necessary change often sucks in the short run but it's so much better in the long run. I think that's where you are; you're in the 'short run' part of things. Or, to quote a song "Fool, said I, you do not know/Silence like a cancer grows". If you had just kept silent, the resulting cancer would have spread over your marriage and your relationship with your daughter. I know that's hard. I'm a non-custodial parent too and it's not an easy place to be. But over time, you will work out ways to be in her life that work for both of you, especially as she gets older.

    And it's probably not necessary to tell you this, but if those thoughts of wanting to die are serious or get more serious, please make sure you seek help, OK?

    I think even if your marriage is ending or has ended for other reasons this is the worst part of the coming out process. I was separated when I finally decide to acknowledge my sexuality, and it still sucked.
     
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  4. Shadow N

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    Regarding wishing to disappear and die don't believe that lie, remember that you just discovered a portion of yourself that you didn't knew existed and just integrated it from the shadow part of your subconscious mind into your conscious in order to be more complete (avoiding feeling down with a murky and shadowy perception towards life not knowing why until you explore the root cause of those feelings and thoughts). No one chooses their sexuality (it is not like going to the grocery store and decide what I want to buy or not) . It comes with you and it's part and parcel of life's package. Remember by accepting your sexuality you are just being honest with yourself and others in that aspect of your life (it is just one part of you not the whole you like some people want others to believe). Regarding people with a puritanical view be aware that sometimes they like to hide their flaws and issues behind that mask to feel that they have a higher moral ground and keep running from themselves instead of confronting their internal demons and internal aspects of themselves that they denied or suppressed while growing up in order to gain "acceptance" from society that in reality left them living an internal hell during their lifetime.
     
    #4 Shadow N, Dec 22, 2019
    Last edited: Dec 22, 2019
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  5. Fritzcoop

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    It sounds like those people love you and don't want to lose you. But just like me you know that your on a different path that leads to self acceptance and respect.
     
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  6. Madge Beurde

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    This may be presumptuous ( especially as I’m a non-believer) but I suspect you’ll gain a great deal from becoming acquainted with recent biblical studies in relation to homosexuality. The certainty with which many Christains condemn being gay stands on very wobbly thoelogical foundations.
    A good place to open this window on the truth is to read John Shelby Spong’s ’The Sins of Scripture:Exposing the Bible’s Texts of Hate to Reveal the God of Love.
    I feel from what you’ve told us here you certainly aren’t any kind of coward but the support of a liberal Christain congregation at a time like this could be a wonderful asset. Such groups may be rare in Brazil. I’ll do some research and see what I can come up with.
     
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  7. Madge Beurde

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    As I thought, Christianity in Brazil has swung to the far right, even some streams of Pentacostalism.
    Now, back to this idea you have that you’re ‘a selfish monster’. This is not true. You didn’t just decide to be gay. Stange as it may appear, if you’re a beliecer, a case can be made to suggest God made you that way. The absurd ideas floating around that Satan had anything to do with it were born from the first few centuries of the Roman church. Notice Christ himself said nothing about homosexuality. Paul, who was as mad as mad can be, did prattle on about it but should anyone take Paul as proven to speak for and on behalf of Christ?

    My next thought is of the policital situation in Brazil and the increasing power of far right (so called) Christian groups over the government. Have you thought of migrating? If not I’d be careful how public you are about your situation as I have no faith in the Government treating gays in Brazil with anything like justice. If there are any Quakers in Brazil you could speak to them. They’d have a finger on the pulse of alternative Christian groups in your country.

    I agree totally with Shadow N when they said here "Regarding people with a puritanical view be aware that sometimes they like to hide their flaws and issues behind that mask to feel that they have a higher moral ground and keep running from themselves instead of confronting their internal demons and internal aspects of themselves that they denied or suppressed while growing” It’s so much easier to blame a mythical entity such as Satan as the cause of homosexuality. It removes personal responsibility in the short term but for those who are forced into ‘cure by prayer’ therapy the Church falls back on the obscene idea those not cured ‘Didn’t fight Satan hard enough’ An absurd and dangerous theory.
    My advice at this stage is to read John Shelby Spong and other recent liberal Christian theology using this as a cover for those who expect you to seek a ‘cure’ through prayer etc. You are not ‘ill’ in any way other than suffering from a lifetime of brainwashing enforced by those who imagine they speak for and on behalf of God.
    I’m very moved though by you love for you children. I wish I had and answer for how you can cope with having them taken away from them.
    Just try and let them know you do love them and ask them not to believe everything they’re told about you.
     
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  8. Contented

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    Disappearing or dying would deeply harm you child. Please if you remotely have these thoughts seek professional help. You have too much to live for! As others have said your actions so far are not those of a coward but rather just the opposite. Confronting your sexuality head on and taking action to live your life with authenticity are actions of internal fortitude and courage. You are at the crossroads of one of life’s adventures. Sure there are some rapids in river ahead but you can and will survive them to live the life rewarding to who you really are. We are here for you.
     
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  9. JToivonen

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    Thank you for the kind replies.

    It feels like my world is falling apart. Actually it really is, it doesn't only feel like it.

    I feel like a coward because I have this feeling of wanting to vanish instead of facing the world. Also because some people keep saying that I'm giving in to my desires, instead of fighting them. And, because of that, I'm giving up on my family. So I feel weak.

    These last days I've had close to zero energy to do anything...so it all makes me feel like I'm a loser.

    But today I feel a tad better. So I'll try to do something positive out of my crappy state of mind.
     
  10. JToivonen

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    I've always had this plan of migrating, not because I'm gay, but for whole different reasons.

    Btw thanks for suggesting the book. I'll try to read it.

    As for the church, I found an inclusive one here in the city I live in, but I'll only be able to go there when my wife leaves.
     
  11. Chiroptera

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    You are not a coward. On the contrary, you are really brave because you are facing prejudice and the blame that is being thrown at you. You aren't doing anything wrong.

    There are many religious groups and leaders who use the feeling of guilt to manipulate people. "You need to fight your desires!". "You need to sacrifice yourself for the greater good!". Some people seem to have mental orgasms when talking about these things, like in a (straight) fantasy where the hero needs to do a sacrifice to save the princess.

    No. Life isn't as simple as good or bad, sacrifice and hedonism. There are shades of grey.

    Of course we can't do everything we want to in life, especially when other people are involved. However, it is equally foolish to think we need to sacrifice all of our desires to sustain what other people believe to be ideal or "right". Desire is frequently used as an "evil" word. Why is it so wrong to want something, anyway? And, when we talk about orientation, something natural and that can't be changed (As much as those groups want to force people to be molded into what they believe is "right" - and of course they fail miserably at trying to change something not changeable), why is it wrong to love or desire someone even though that person isn't of the opposite gender? Because a priest said so and people believed that's the word of God? Why would God even create LGBT+ people then? To make them suffer because "that's the path to righteousness"? I'm sorry, that sounds like a cheap script for a fantasy movie written by someone who hasn't much experience writing.

    The suffering you have endured and that you are still feeling isn't your fault, nor is it your wife's fault. Unfortunately, society is full of prejudice. People trying to blame you for feeling what you feel. And, no, there's absolutely nothing wrong in challenging this and choosing to prioritize yourself for once. Yes, people will blame you for this defiance of the "rules". But is it worth living miserably, supressing your desires in a marriage where neither you or your wife are totally happy, just to play by the rules and make other people happy, instead of you and her? And even if she doesn't see it like this yet, I doubt she would truly be happy by living with someone who needs to pretend to be attracted to her. That's living a lie and, in my point of view, lies are one of the problems in the world, not loving someone of the same gender.

    Things will get better. Yes, the process is slow, but there is light in the end of the tunnel. Like I always say, it's cliché, but it is true. Life will always have it's challenges, so no one can promise you or anyone else a perfect life. But living as yourself, without lying or pretending, that's a good way to improve things. Don't blame yourself.

    When you get the opportunity, if you think that will help, I think going to an inclusive church is a good idea. There are good people in organized religion that realize that there's nothing wrong in being different. That will be a breath of fresh air, away from words of prejudice disguised as "what is right".
     
  12. Sundara

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    The last sentence you wrote makes me cry. And it is what I feel today. I wanna die. You have the same problems with me.

    Best regards,
     
  13. Ams

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    You are not a coward.

    It is incredibly hard to come out when you have such a traditional surrounding - trust me, I know all about it, and I still have only come out to a few friends because the family/ church aspect would be awful. So, you are crazy brave.

    You have taken a huge leap. Your child is still your child. You still have a responsibility to be there for them. Try to remember that if it gets hard, you are here. They need you. They always will. No one can do that job like you can.

    Don't listen to people that use religion to inflict pain. God made you just as you are, therefore you're fine.

    I wish you every happiness xxx
     
  14. Mysteria

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    I also want to add you're doing something very important and positive for your child. You are teaching them to value truth, to love truth, to desire truth in their own lives. You're teaching them how important it is to live an authentic, truthful life. Kids who grow up in a sham marriage know it, and they don't like it. They resent it, and the desire for authenticity can take them weird directions. I've seen this in my oldest. My failure to be the good like Traditional Catholic wife and other i was trying SO desperately hard to be- a failure that ended in two suicide attempts and the other destruction of my marriage and family and all but one friendship. My failure to live authentically, my decision to stuff had a VERY high price tag. I lost basically everything. Kids still loved me, wanted to see me but visitation is...well, visitation. My oldest wants nothing more then to get out of the house as soon as he can, and he's lost a lot of respect for both me and my ex-husband because our marriage failed.
    I did a lot of emotional damage to my family because I was so desperately trying to be someone I was not, because I knew the someone I was would have life change consequences. Instead I went and did something far more harmful. Instead of doing what you're doing; sharing these feelings with people, working through the hard stuff, being willing to face the immediate consequences- I chickened out. I never discussed this issue even in therapy until one day (literally, one day) it became such a big issue I couldn't hide it anymore.
    If you need to pm me, to have someone to talk to, feel free.