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Deep bitterness and anger

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by nerdbrain, Jun 10, 2019.

  1. nerdbrain

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    Nickw's message in my previous post really triggered something in me today. I just became aware of how angry I feel towards the gay part of myself. I hate it. I feel like it has robbed and stolen from me all my life.
    • I blame my sexuality for the loss of my marriage. I still love my ex-wife and miss her every day.
    • I blame my sexuality for my addictions. My shame and confusion led me to anesthetize with alcohol and drugs.
    • I blame it for my loss of creativity. My internal conflict has choked off any inner voice that I may have had. I have some talent and technical skill as an artist, but I have nothing to say.
    • I blame it for my lack of friends and meaningful relationships. How can I be honest with people when I don't even know myself?
    • I blame it for my lack of a strong professional network. My depression and shame kept me isolated during the most productive times of my career. Even though I'm an expert in my field I am having trouble finding a job now.
    • I blame it for my lack of joy. I can't even remember the last time I really had fun doing anything without this gnawing anxiety in the back of my mind.
    I hate this thing and I have been suppressing my hate for years so that I can keep functioning. When I imagine cutting it out of my body with a knife, my heart pounds and I feel a sense of bloodlust and revenge, like finally confronting my mortal enemy.

    But the advice I keep getting is, "Just accept it! It's who you really are." To me, that sounds roughly like telling the Israelis, "Just accept the Palestinians! Let them in and give them full voting rights. In fact, put them in charge!" These people who want to wipe you off the face of the earth and have proven it over and over again? Are you fucking kidding?

    I don't care if I sound crazy. It's how I feel and I'm tired of being polite about it. I couldn't care less if other people are happy about being gay -- good for them. In my life, it's been the cause of nothing but pain, loss and shame. How the fuck am I supposed to have "pride" in it? How can someone seriously suggest that I "embrace and accept" it?
     
    #1 nerdbrain, Jun 10, 2019
    Last edited: Jun 10, 2019
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  2. regkmc

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    Hey, anger is not a bad thing! Good for you. Be angry. I get it 1000000 percent. This can suck and has sucked for 2.5 years for me.

    That hateful part is only a part of you. Right now it’s a big part, but it’s just a part. Consider this - There’s a part that likes being gay....at least during masturbation.

    Do you ever enjoy masturbating? Like for the minute or 5 minutes you’re thinking of being with a guy? Start there.

    Perhaps that part will grow.
     
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  3. nerdbrain

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    Even the masturbation is laced with shame.

    I’m at a loss. I’m almost in a panic state right now. I am so angry and feel so helpless and sad. I feel like the universe is playing a cruel joke on me.

    I just went grocery shopping and ordered a car share home. They fucked up the routing completely so instead of 4 minutes I ended up waiting 15 minutes in the rain with all my stuff. I yelled at the driver, something I never do. I’m just tired of taking shit. Even if it’s from my own mind.
     
  4. Chip

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    Are you familiar with the stages of loss (in this case, loss of identity as straight)? They are denial-anger-bargaining-depression-acceptance. Sometimes people move through them in minutes; sometimes it takes months or years or even decades. The stages aren't always sequential, but generally, most people go through all of them in processing loss.

    From what you are describing here and in the other thread, it sounds like you might be moving into the anger phase. The feeling of panic, helplessness, and grief you describe would be consistent with that. That's actually a good thing. It isn't great that you yelled at the driver, but it's understandable given what's going on. I actually see all of this as an indication that you're moving out of the denial phase, and that is a very positive thing, even if what you're feeling right now is nothing but miserable. Stick with it, keep talking about what's going on for you.
     
  5. Nickw

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    Nerdbrain

    I know the feeling of the anger. It's been awhile though so I know it can go away. But, I cannot guarantee it.

    When I came out to my wife I told her this:

    "All of these parts are what makes me who I am. I don’t know what I’ll be if I start to remove some of these parts. Which parts help me love? Which give me compassion? Which provide me peace? Which provide my creativity? Which provide my sense of humor?...."

    Nerdbrain. Do you even know who you would be if you weren't gay? I know this is simplistic. But, this is not a battle or even a negotiation that your "parts" need to be engaged in. Call off the battle and call a peace summit. Or, more easily How about a cease fire?

    I know...I've just said the same thing. I think the reason you hear the advice over and over again about accepting who you are is because there are not any other solutions out there that I am aware of.
     
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  6. nerdbrain

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    Yes I'm familiar with the grief model.

    Maybe you're right and I am moving into the anger phase. God knows I've spent plenty of time in denial and depression.

    I don't think I've ever let myself really feel the pain before, or mourned all the losses that I've suffered. I don't even usually let myself feel the anger because it's crazy to be angry at part of oneself. How can I take revenge on myself? Makes no sense. Guess I've been doing it though -- slowly sabotaging my own life.

    What a steaming pile of shit.
     
  7. Nickw

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    Hey Nerdbrain

    Living in NYC you don't have a lot of exposure to straight guys. They're, really, pretty boring. Are you quite sure you aren't better off gay?
     
  8. JToivonen

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    I totally get what you're saying. I've been through those stages (I spent a huge amount of time at the denial stage, hiding and suppressing my homosexuality) and I can understand how it hurts, scares and infuriates you.

    I'm now at the last stage - acceptance - and I know I feel much, much better about myself. I no longer feel anger or ashamed. Actually there's a sense of proud in being gay. So hopefully you'll soon reach that stage too.

    So post whenever you feel like posting, it's a good place to vent our frustrations.
     
  9. nerdbrain

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    LOL

    It's true, you can't throw a stick without hitting a homosexual -- and we don't even have sticks around here.
     
  10. Nic2552

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    Honestly I feel there’s some deeper issues besides being gay... you need to really rethink about your life besides your sexuality.. think about what has lead you to be this way... and face your fears.. see a counselor..recap your life...maybe you need to resolve and have a closure to something in your past. You need closure to some of your past issues... or maybe something in your past is stopping you and stresssing you out... ???
     
    #10 Nic2552, Jun 13, 2019
    Last edited: Jun 13, 2019
  11. nerdbrain

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    Hey Nic, I think you are right, there are some deeper issues here for sure. I’ve been in therapy for over 20 years and I still haven’t fully solved it. That’s why I’m here on EC.

    I was very depressed last weekend and that’s when I wrote this post. I also did a lot of intense drawings that I’ve brought in to therapy. Lots of stuff about feelings of shame and inferiority in there, not just about sexual orientation.

    I am doing my best.
     
  12. Nic2552

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    Well maybe we can help you on here.... write out your life ... your journey .. the ups downs from you coming out as gay... write out everything . .. so we can see what made you sad... some times it’s just not having closure to certain events in your past...everyone needs full closure in order to fully move on happily , something is blocking you from being happy , let’s figure it out
     
    #12 Nic2552, Jun 13, 2019
    Last edited: Jun 13, 2019
  13. Spaceman

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    Hi Nerdbrain… like Nickw said, there really is no other option than accepting yourself. We can’t change our orientation so wishing for that is a waste of time and energy. Being bitter and angry won’t change anything. Denial doesn’t work. I tried that for 40 years, had a wife, kids nice house and what looked like an ideal life from the outside, but I was miserable on the inside.

    After coming out I did lose my wife, who was my best friend. And I lost some of the privilege and ease of existing in the world as a “straight” white male. But I have also gained the freedom and confidence that comes with being my authentic self. I’ve gained a husband who I can love in a way I could never love before. I’ve gained the knowledge that most of my family, including my parents and kids, accept me for who I am.

    Fighting yourself and your orientation is soul crushing and exhausting, and it’s a fight you will never win. I’ve had to make peace with the fact that my life is not the life I thought I would lead. And the fact that my inability to accept myself at a younger age has caused harm to people I care about. Accepting yourself and your mistakes isn’t easy, but it’s the only way to move toward happiness and peace.
     
  14. Butterfly6

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    Oh I resonate with this thread so much. I grew up in a place where gay didn't exist and if it did; it was something horrible.

    I chose to ignore my feelings for women and keep going with my life but sometimes it just got really difficult. Got married, had kids, living the "good" life.

    I'm bisexual but sometimes I lean so much to women it drives me nuts. Like you, I love my husband, am sexually and emotionally attracted to him but there's this need for a woman in my life.

    I dont know where you're at with your sexuality but speaking face to face with others who are also struggling. I think I remember you being on the bi spectrum. For me, I joined an online forum for other bi women, it's been a gift to speak to others who understand.

    In regards to relationships, how about finding another questioning guy/woman? My dream would be if my husband was bisexual and an open relationship.
     
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  15. johndeere3020

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    46-13= the number of years I hated myself so I know where you are coming from feeling less than. Pride is not about carrying a flag, Pride is about having PRIDE in yourself. My take anyway. Its only in the last few months that I have been able to exhale and be myself.
     
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  16. NotTooLoud

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    Hey nerdbrain,

    Whoa, dude, take it easy on yourself! Find some sources of inspiration. For me, it's Tina Turner. She was beaten up and beaten down. She had no choice but to leave (like many of us). Nobody wanted to go to her concerts after the marriage ended (my wife got almost all our friends and even some of my family in the separation) and her songs, well, kind-of sucked (she didn't know how to choose). She just kept trying. She found a management company who accepted her and found her some modern songs to sing. She got some cosmetic surgery and image makeover. Now, she's an icon for everybody who has endured some really shitty stuff at the hands of others -- and didn't let it undo them. These feelings are temporary; don't let them "undo" you.
     
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  17. JToivonen

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    I'm pretty sure it'll happen to me if/when I leave my wife...how did you cope with that?