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Decided to stay in the closet

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by maverick1, Sep 13, 2017.

  1. maverick1

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    I can't leave my wife. She needs me and leaving would devastate her. So I am putting her happiness before mine.
     
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  2. silverhalo

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    That is entirely your decision and never let anyone say otherwise. I am sure you have spent a long time coming to this conclusion and I wish you all the best in the future.
     
  3. driedroses

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    I haven't read your story. Is she happy? Is she really?

    I thought I was. I thought I needed him. I thought him leaving would devastate me. He put my happiness first and nearly killed himself - literally - in doing so. We had been married 18 years and he insisted to me for seventeen of those years that he was not, absolutely no way gay. But he is.

    I was devastated, I was heart broken, I was all those things. But he couldn't put my happiness first, because it was destroying him from the inside.

    Heartbreak is, unfortunately, a part of life. Your heart is breaking, isn't it? Would she put herself in this place for you? Would you want her to?

    These are your choices, of course. If you choose to stay, I would suggest strongly that you see a therapist or at least find someone to talk to in person. I wish you peace and understanding.
     
  4. Choirboy

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    maverick1, you're not the first person here to come to that conclusion. In the end, you have to do what you feel is the right thing, and I understand that. I stayed with my wife for many years because I wanted to feel that she was ready to face the world without me, and more importantly, that my children would be able to deal with it. When I finally did come out, it was because I had come to the conclusion that the kids were likely to be OK (and they have actually gone way beyond simply "OK", God bless them), and my wife was never going to be self-sufficient, ever, and really only loved having a de facto servant who paid for everything and did everything for her. If I really believed she loved me equally, I would never have come out and would still be with her today.

    But don't think of it as "putting her happiness before mine", or you will resent her and it will eventually destroy that which you are staying in the closet to save. You are making a responsible decision, not only for her good, but for the good of your conscience and your own personal love for her. Make the decision and accept what it entails and make the best of it, and realize that you are not sacrificing something for HER, you are making a decision for your own peace of mind, and based on what you feel is the right thing to do for BOTH of you. You are more than just a gay man (out or not) and there is more to your life and who you are than just your orientation.

    Best of luck to you, and I hope this decision brings you peace.
     
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  5. ConfusedEast

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    Each person's journey is different. You must make decisions that you can live with and allow you to sleep at night. My only caution is that you too have feelings, desires and wants. They are just as valid.
    I wish for you is that whatever your final decision is, it brings you peace.
     
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  6. JaimeGaye

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    I commend you for putting someone else's needs before your own, just don't let that destroy your own sense of identity and personal self worth.
     
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  7. baristajedi

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    This is just a guess but I think you posted this hoping for encouragement to come out of the closet, rather than support in staying in. So if you want it, I'll give you that push.

    Only you can make this decision, in the end you will do what you believe is right. But just remember that you are not responsible for someone else's happiness. Your needs are valid and they are deep and core to you. No matter what you do, just remember to take care of yourself; give yourself compassion and self care.

    Do you really think your wife will be happy if you're not happy being her husband? Do you think this is the best decision for the long term?

    I won't push you any more than that unless you want to be pushed more, you should do what you believe is right, no matter what we're all here to listen and support.
     
    #7 baristajedi, Sep 14, 2017
    Last edited: Sep 14, 2017
  8. looking for me

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    of course it is your decision mate. my experience of doing this is that it hollowed me out inside, the only thing I was feeling was duty, anger, and misery. but hey, you might one of the ones who can make this work, I could not even if wasn't aware of what I needed or who I was. I just new it wasn't working. I am so much happier outside the closet and working towards being out of the gender closet as well.
     
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  9. Pole star

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    I agree with baristajedi- your post sounds more like a cry for help. You sound unhappy with what you are saying and it just does not sound like a final decision. I think you should be honest with your wife and undergo counseling/therapy (if you haven't already) and see what is good for the long term. From what I have read from some of the other posts here on EC, you may be able to come to some sort of arrangement whereby you would still be there for your wife.

    Just my thoughts...
     
    #9 Pole star, Sep 14, 2017
    Last edited: Sep 14, 2017
  10. maverick1

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    Thank you for your kind words. I just don't see any other way.
     
  11. SiennaFire

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    Why? There is no path, or you don't see the path?
     
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  12. I'm gay

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    I didn't respond to you yesterday because I was having trouble mustering the right sentiment. Part of me really understands. Part of me wants to smack you upside the head.

    This is really hard.

    You aren't alone in believing that your wife won't survive without you. Many people fear the same thing. Since I don't know all of your life's circumstances, I have to trust you on what potential options are available to you. You say you don't see another way. Perhaps it's a tired old adage, but "where there's a will, there's a way" comes to mind.

    I'm concerned that if you stay for the sake of your wife, you will end up resenting her for it.
     
  13. Mabel

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    See how this goes and keep your heart open. Maybe, you are right that there is no there way, I don't know. I just know that I have similar moments, and I also have times where I'm making progress. Be kind to yourself and be careful not to underestimate her...sometimes people just need time. You and her....((hugs))
     
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  14. maverick1

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    She is disabled and we have been married for 31 years. I will just have to fantasize about a gay life.
     
  15. TAXODIUM

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    I understand. Completely.
     
  16. dreamingfreely

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    I totally understand this type of situation. I wish you luck.
     
  17. leb10

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    I wish you the best Maverick. Try to make sure you replenish yourself every once and while with something that makes you happy. Don't give too much of yourself away.
     
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