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Dear Dad

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by johndeere3020, Feb 17, 2018.

  1. johndeere3020

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    I have been having a rough couple of days, I could say that I for got to take my medication for depression two night s in a row, having fallen asleep in the Lazy Boy chair. I don't think that's the only reason though, I think we need to have a talk that's been long over due.

    Every since I can remember you have been in complete control or at the very least wanted complete control of not only me but everyone in the family. All the way back to first grade when I wanted that book from school for .30 cents. It wasn't that I asked, I think it was that I asked twice that you beat my ass. From that point, yes that was the fist time I realized that it was better to look to the ground and not say anything.

    It was the same about 4-H when I was a bit older. You always talked against so when you did give me the chance to join I said no thinking it would make you happy.

    I always tried to do things that would make you happy but it never quite worked. As I got older things became so much worse, did you know that words can hurt so much more than fists. You had to realize that even though I was twice your size you could have respected me as I did you, if you indeed did,you never showed it.

    Everyone that I shook handswith the other day said what A great guy you were, why couldn't show that part of you to me, I am your son. Why could I never feel that I could talk to you or you to me. You don't know me at all, my hopes, dreams, what makes me sad or happy, my fears, my loves. We were together every day and the only concern was that the barn was clean and my chores were done. You never even asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. Do you see now why I began to think that I was the one making you unhappy?

    When I was 15 I got to have my drivers permit. The only benefit of being a farm kid I guess was getting to be able to drive a year before everyone else. I know you were not happy but I played baseball for one year. Well just kind of put numbers on the score board. You see, in a small school if your not part of the team from a young age you don't fit in very well, l but I remember one time, the only time mom was able to come to a game. I don't know how she figured out when and where but she was there and I got to play.

    I'll never forget that day, the maroon hat with white letter "C" sewed on the front just above the bill. by the way I kept it to this day, the white jersey with the with the number 27, maroon pinstriped pants, maroon stir ups, white socks and even the feel of the cleats as they touched the pitching rubber.

    Did you know that the very first pitch I threw was a fastball? When the umpires arm flew up and he yelled out "strike one" everyone on the bench, even guys that never said a word to me stood up and cheered. I still remember the big smile mom had on her face. That was one of the best moments I ever had in my life. I almost wish it had never happened, wish I never felt what I felt in that moment of time. Where, why couldn't you have been there too. I should tell you that I ended up striking the kid out. You would know that if you were there.

    I was your son, you were my dad, why couldn't you be my dad? I think you suspected but I never could tell you that I was probably gay. I did what I thought was right and married a fine woman, soon it will be 19 years. I have settled in my own mind that I am bisexual. I am sure that wouldn't go over well with you but not many of my decisions have...

    I don't know what is in store for me, no one does. All I know is that if there is a heaven I want to be at peace someday. If we are born again to this earth I want to be either straight or gay and accepting of that from a young age. If I knew you would have accepted me for me I would have told you a long time ago. I wonder what I could have accomplished with your support and encouragement instead of negativity?

    I know this letter will never be sent, you are dead and I am here. I guess that I am just stuck today. Maybe tomorrow will be better?

    Your son Dean
     
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  2. PatrickUK

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    I hope you gained something from writing that letter Dean? I hope it was in some way cathartic for you, to let out all of that unspoken pain that and heartache. If it was, maybe you need to do more of it and maybe you need to do something with the letters too.

    When somebody has been a big part of our life (for good, or ill) and they die, we assume the opportunity for closure passes, but it really doesn't. There are still things we can do; steps we can take to bring us a feeling of closure. Bereavement counsellors are very good at helping us to find ways and means of doing just that and one of the recommended techniques is writing letters, just like the one you posted here. Think about how you felt before you wrote the letter and how you felt while you wrote it and afterwards. Did anything change? If it did, you might want to write some more.
     
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  3. I'm gay

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    Good for you in writing your letter. It was touching to me, and it makes me think of my dad.
     
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  4. Foxfeather

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    That's so sad. Feel free to poke me on my profile page if you need to talk. I recently came out to a close relative too and it's been an odd experience....
     
  5. johndeere3020

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    Patrick, my counselor would suggest printing and burning in the letter. What would you do?

    Dean
     
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  6. PatrickUK

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    I think your counsellors suggestion makes sense, but I do know someone who wrote letters to her deceased father which she took along to the cemetery and buried in the soil of the grave beneath a plant. She hand wrote all of the letters to personalise them (something that seemed very important to her) and she gained a greater sense of closure in leaving them there with him. Her father did a lot of harm to here while he was alive, so she wanted him to have the letters with him forever. I think it really helped her to move on.
     
    #6 PatrickUK, Feb 19, 2018
    Last edited: Feb 19, 2018
  7. johndeere3020

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    Patrick, there were a lot of emotions writing that letter. Anger, sadness, I must have went tot he bathroom to get rid of the tears at least a half a dozen times. In the end as the days have went by, maybe a feeling of relief. Not everything has gone away but it has eased a little.

    Dean
     
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  8. quebec

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    Dean....I'm glad you were able to write your letter. It's made me think a lot more about how my step-father treated me. I've thought that I was past all of that, but now I'm not so sure. I may just end up writing my own letter. Thanks...your letter has helped me really look closely at how he affected me and how I fell about it.
    ...David :gay_pride_flag:
     
  9. johndeere3020

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    Why am I still crying for him almost a year later?
     
  10. PatrickUK

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    Would you say you are crying for him Dean?
     
  11. Rade

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    How sad Dean, your letter touched my soul. I hope someday you can put this to bed with the support of the councillor or therapist....
    I'm sure alot of us on the forum would give you a massive hug if we could.
    Warmest regards
    Rade
     
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  12. Rin311

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    Someone told me a long time ago that when we lose our parents in a traumatic way, we never really stop missing them. It doesn't really go away. You just learn to live with the pain. My parents are still alive, but we are dead to each other. You cry because it still hurts, because you want to have a father that's different from what you got, someone who accepts you and cares for you. Don't set yourself deadlines for being "over" it. It doesn't heal completely, but it does get easier. Take care.
     
  13. johndeere3020

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    I think I am mad at myself for never sticking up for myself, just always putting my head down and taking everything to heart.
     
  14. Love4Ever

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    Perhaps you are crying for the loss he experienced as well as your own that he never got to know the real you? That he never got to love you as the son you were rather than the one he imagined you to be?
     
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  15. Love4Ever

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    My heart goes out to you. I hope you can find some peace.
     
  16. johndeere3020

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    I know this thread is old, however I'm the OP and I have something additional to say to my father.

    I finally have realized that you were so broken. The emotional support that I needed when I was young, you were simply unable to provide. Yes, we always were warm in the winter, had clothing, and something to eat but there is so much more too a family than the basics.

    It's sad to think back, and I don't much anymore, how you acted and treated you wife and boys. There was no call for it. Kate and I never had children, she had some female issues and I was afraid I would become a version of you. Instead of trying to control young peoples lives you have to let them try and fall on their own. That's how they become strong adults. Let them make decisions, if you think they are wrong, explain that to them. Guidance.

    Part of a young persons development is learning how to socialize, not being sequestered on a farm in the middle of nowhere. If you weren't such a stubborn little German there could have been a way to work things out and have a balance of both farm and activities. You where just afraid activities would cost you some money. Money was an illness for you. The only thing that made you happy. Really sad! I think of money, its needed to live, but I don't dwell on it, it dosent't rule my life.

    My therapist asked me to write down what I thought would be different in my life if I had had emotional support along the way. I think the answer to that question is education. Although education is knowledge, knowledge is not always wisdom. Knowledge though, when your young can helps open your mind to al the possibilities this world can offer.

    You always said that you were a better person than grandpa, which maybe so for he must have been a complete ass, I am so much better than you both for I am learning to have an open mind. I have lowered my A!C four points in the last three months. I have learned to count calories and have lost six pounds in the last three weeks. I am determined not to be a big person anymore and should reach my weight goal by about this time next year. I'm scheduled for surgery to fix my ED problem the 18th of next month assuming the insurance approval arrives in time. I have almost finished the restoration of my old tractor. Although I may never have the college experience I am going to write about growing up LGBTQ in the rural Midwest. I bet you didn't know I was capable of any of that, did you? Your loss, my freedom.

    Freedom to identify as a proud BI man.
     
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  17. quebec

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    Dean.....Your words have made me think a lot about my father. My parents divorced when I was 8 years old. I don't have very many memories of him from those early years. I didn't see him again until I was 32 years old. At that point it was like meeting a stranger. It was difficult to make him fit the image of my "Dad". My step father was verbally abusive. Many times I had to stand and listen as he told his friends how stupid I was. He was a mechanic and I had never been taught anything about cars, trucks, etc...therefore I was dumb. Having a 4.0 in junior and senior high meant nothing to him. So as far as I'm concerned, I never had a "Dad". And NO...that had nothing to do with me being gay!! :old_mad: I made sure that I did reconnect with my father because I wanted my three sons to know their grandfather. My lack of a father was one of the reasons that I got married and had children...I knew that I could do a better job than what I had experienced. In a way, being a good Dad to my kids not only proved that I could do it, but it also gave me a lot of the emotional stability and love that I didn't have as a child. Thank you for posting your thoughts...they have helped me a lot today.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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