Hi I’m a gay women who was too terrified to come out when I was younger because of my verrrrrry religious family. Now I’m 28 and I feel like my time has passed. I’ve always been shy and prone to depression and the thought of breaking away from my family terrifies me. At the same time, I know I can’t stay around home forever, surrounded by people who will never approve of who I am. I’ve always been pretty good at advising my friends when they were in difficult situations. Unfortunately, I can’t seem to apply this to myself. I’m so confused and frightened about what my next move should be. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!
Hi @Biscuits12 and welcome to EC. I’m sorry to hear that your family wouldn’t be supportive. You’ll find other people here who have come out relatively later in life for various reasons, so you’re not alone. For different reasons, I didn’t start questioning my sexuality until I was in my late twenties. I found EC to be very supportive and I hope that you do too.
Welcome @Biscuits12! I saw this post title and had to grab my tea cause GURLLLL.... You are not alone. I’m not sure which religion your family is, but for my hyper-Christian family, it helped to provide them with literature that discussed the verses in the Bible that caused them to believe it was a sin. I didn’t engage in the conversation around that myself since my beliefs are different, but I just handed them the pamphlet (there may be links online to relevant content for you) if you think that might help them. In my case, my mom has a looser belief system and is able to support me, she just doesn’t want to talk about details. And my dad still believes in more of a, “hate the sin, love the sinner”, so he claims to love me “anyway”. I know every family and individual is unique, so I don’t know if any of this is helpful, but I can tell you that once I was able to force my dad to hear my truth - both about my sexuality and about how the things he says and does make me feel, coming from a place that I know he doesn’t want to hurt me - I feel more honest and free, and more comfortable being myself. And I don’t mind holding boundaries if/when he offends me again. I can either point it out to try to give him a chance to heal our relationship, or cut him out if I feel that’s safer for me. I know it’s not easy, so just know you’re not alone and whatever you decide to do or not do is ok!
Hi guys, thanks so much for commenting. It’s good to hear that there are other people in a similar situation! My family are catholic and have a very firm set of beliefs. I know certain family members that will definitely never change their theology. Others I hope will be more open. Stupidly, I made most of my friends inside these very conservative religious communities so I literally have no one who I can turn to who’d be supportive. I’m planning on moving away to live a more authentic life but I know I’m going to have to do it by myself. I guess I’m just not sure if I can summon up the strength to deal with the fall out of coming out. But hearing from someone whose managed to do it is awesome!
Biscuits12.....Hello and a great big LGBTQ+ welcome to Empty Closets! There are a number of sub-forums here on EC...why don't you check them out and then feel free to join in the conversations! We will do our best to be a support and a place to vent when you need it! You are certainly not too old to come out! I came out here on Empty Closets when I was 64! I have had to deal with the religious issues vs. gay issues in my family also. However, my situation is a little different from yours in that I am the father! I have quite a bit of information dealing with the errors that most Christians make when dealing with our LGBTQ+ Family. If you'd like that information, just let me know and I'll provide it for you! We are so glad that you have found us here on EC! .....David
@Biscuits12 I so relate! I know for sure there is literature and resources for LGBTQIA2S+ in the Catholic church of you think it might help you or your family if/when you’re ready to talk to them. Personally I was very involved in the church growing up (went 3-4 days a week, led worship & was eventually on staff) so I likewise had so many lifelong friends who I’ve fallen out from and just can’t relate to at all anymore. But that doesn’t mean you have to do this alone. I hope you connect with more members here at EC and other LGBTQIA2S+ communities. I also felt so encouraged and connected just reading people’s coming out stories & letters on here, and even (don’t know if you’re familiar but) that episode of Brooklyn Nine-Nine where Rosa comes out as Bisexual to her family. Regardless of what you decide to do and when, I’m so excited for you to be living more authentically you. ❤️
Thanks so much- I’m really glad to hear from someone who can relate to my situation!! I feel pretty well prepared at this point to make my arguments to my religious family. It’s more just a case of fear at how I’ll manage to cope with the emotional fall out at this point. But coming on here and seeing so many stories that seem similar to mine is already helping. I really appreciate the moral support and I’ll be sure to check out the relevant sub forums
Biscuits12.....When you do come out to your family, whether it's tomorrow or 10 years from now, your parents will probably have questions. Take some time now to think about what those questions might be. Such as; "How do you know you're gay?" or "How long have you felt this way?" etc. The questions themselves will vary a great deal dependent upon your family...so take that into consideration. If you work up a list of ten or so questions with the answers already planned, you will be perceived as a more mature, serious person. .....David
Welcome to EC! With Pope Francis, there has definitely been a change in how the Catholic leadership talk about homosexuality. However, you have waited long enough to live your life. Don't worry about feeling late because that is common for LGBT+ people. Even more liberal countries still had official restrictions on LGBT+ people until recent years. While your family may all be religious, there are probably some who are more liberal than others. Also, you can definitely find liberal friends rather than waiting for relatives; often LGBT+ people come out to their friends first. In my case, I came out first to some classmates I had known for a long time and who previously voiced support for LGBT+ rights. I support finding a way to move out, even if it means just moving with roommates in the same area, to give you breathing space. I would say that's more important than coming out to your family, especially if you have to live with them.
Thanks so much for your advice! I think it’s a really good idea to prepare strong answers to have ready when coming out. Luckily, that is something I’ve tried to do over the past year or so-I really hope will make things easier when the time does come. I am also making plans to move away and give myself more breathing space before coming out. I’ve found myself feeling really regretful about all the things I’ve missed out on through being closeted. But know that’s not a very productive state of mind. I’m hoping I’ll be able to make a happy future to compensate.
