I bought a townhouse a few years ago that I enjoy very much. Only problem is that the walls are a bit thin and I have asked my next door neighbor to be quieter on several occasions, but I worry that in doing so I might have contributed to my current situation. About a year ago my neighbor and his girlfriend got into a huge fight in the common area of the complex in the middle of the night and one of our neighbors called the cops on them (somehow I miraculously slept through the whole ordeal). The thing is, I think my neighbor thinks I called the cops on them, because what were once fairly friendly interactions had been replaced by both him and his girlfriend not addressing me when I say hi to them. Just this past Tuesday I saw him jogging and I waved hi and he gave me the middle finger. Ever since I have been feeling anxious and uncomfortable even in my own home, and I don’t know what to do to improve the situation. Do I write him a letter or email explaining that I didn’t call the cops? Do I try to talk to him next time I see him and try to clear the air that way? Do I not address it at all? A part of me is worried that bringing up the incident of the cops being called could be invasive and might make the situation even worse. On the hand, not feeling comfortable in my own space is just not ok with me (and moving is not so easy either because I own the place). Any advice or feedback you might have would be appreciated, and thank you for taking the time to read my post.
I’m sorry that your relationship with your neighbour is (understandably) making you uncomfortable, and is actively hostile on his side. Personally, I wouldn’t send a letter or try to raise it with him. For one, if he is still behaving this way a year on, I’m not sure that he would necessarily believe alternative version of events. This is assuming the cause of his behaviour is the calling the cops incident. However, I suppose it could be argued that you have nothing to lose. Though, given how he is behaving now, I don’t think that I would want to be on friendly terms with him anyway. He has shown you his character, and I would be concerned that raising it with him would escalate the situation, possibly resulting in physical aggression. But, that’s just me and I’ve never met him. What sort of impression has he given you? From the way you have written the post, I assume that his girlfriend does not live there all the time? You mentioned asking him to keep things down previously, so I wondered if he possibly had something hide, such as domestic abuse. Of course, he could just feel that calling the cops due to a huge argument was unreasonable. As you didn’t witness the argument, I guess it’s hard to say whether you would have called the cops yourself? One last thought, are you on good terms with other neighbours? Do you know whether it’s just you he is behaving this way towards, or whether it’s the same for other neighbours?
Thanks very much for your reply. I know that the noise he has made has bothered other neighbors, because I know the person who called the cops had complained about him to me before. So I am not the only one who has been bothered, and aside from him I am on good terms with my other neighbors. At this point I feel I will probably not send a note and just let it rest. However, I was thinking that if he does something hostile again I might just right in the moment say something like “is there something you want to talk out? Because I am not aware of anything I did to you.” Bottom line, I should not feel fearful in my own place, but I feel that is also mostly my job in the sense that if I don’t want to feel fearful I should not act fearful (as I’m trying to avoid him, not entering my place through the courtyard, etc.). Another thing is that they need a new member on the HOA board, and I thought about maybe joining the board just perhaps to feel a bit more confident and to have the support of my fellow board members. I will see. Also, just to answer your question I do believe that the girlfriend is there all the time. Thanks again for the feedback
Also, I don’t think he would get physically aggressive, but then I didn’t think he would give me the middle finger either. I am doing my best to stay grounded because this whole incident has triggered my anxiety. Again, I appreciate the feedback.
The man showed his true colors. Do not alter your course of living just for him . Be out and about and live your life. If he does'nt want to see you make him change his routine. Don't wave hello just ignore him. If he gives you the finger give it back or ignore him. Let him be uncomfortable.
So, surprising turn of events: I saw him in the complex, asked him if we could talk, and he said, why are you going to call the cops on me? I explained that I never called the cops on him, we hashed it out some more, and he expressed remorse for his mistaken assumption. All's well that ends well, right? Thanks again for everyone's feedback, and I am glad to finally be able to put this mess behind me
So after clearing the air with my neighbor I figured things would be fine between us, but the couple times I have seen him since then and I have said hi to him he has ignored me just like he did before our talk. This behavior has made me continue to feel uncomfortable, and I am trying to decide what the best course of action is for my own peace of mind moving forward. Is it better to keep being friendly or to just ignore him as well? I feel like when I am friendly I am giving him the opportunity to be rude and mess with my energy, but then ignoring someone feels so contrary to how I feel people deserve to be treated (then again, given how he has been with me he probably doesn't deserve any better). Or maybe rather than ignoring him just a close-mouthed smile when I see him? I appreciate any feedback because this whole situation has been a headache that I just want to put behind me finally.
Hello, I’ve just read your post and all the replies. It sounds like this man is awkward, trouble making, unempathic and generally enjoys making other people feel bad. I had a neighbour once who was very similar to this and the best thing you can do is to just say nothing to him, go about your life as if he isn’t there. If he speaks, speak back. If he blanks you then just ignore him. to me, his own life must be very miserable and he is projecting that misery onto everyone else and is putting the dampers onto a nice neighbourhood. Others must feel the same about him and no doubt his behaviour will be the same towards other people as well. Just go about your day and ignore him. He means nothing to you and as awkward as that feels to you it’s for the best because you’ve tried to solve whatever issue he has. With a bit of luck he will move soon. These types don’t usually stay in one place for long because they are never happy.
I’m sorry that the chat you had doesn’t seem to have made any difference in the long-term. We could speculate about why that is but it’s not going to make him turn into a friendly neighbour. As @Sunchimes said above, I think not engaging with him is the best way forward. Does his girlfriend ignore you too, or do you not see her as much as you see him?
