Im really depressed that I'm back in a place where this forum is the only place I can find support. Things were going to good for a while and now it's over. Anyway, I had come out as a trans guy finally, and I thought I had found an identity I was comfortable with, even started T. But for the past month I've found myself missing my girl self, like all my old clothes and hair. As a girl I had at least a little confidence, but as a guy trying to fit in with cis guys, it's so clear to me that I don't belong it's hard to understand how I could have ever thought I was trans. I have absolutely no idea what's going on or what to do.
Well, think about it. 1.) When did you start experiencing dysphoria? 2.) When did it finally click in your head; 'I'm a transgender man?' 3.) After you believed you were a transgender man, how many months did it take for you to decide to go on testosterone? 4.) When did you start testosterone? 5.) How long did you take testosterone for?
I'm not 100% certain with what's going on either, but I feel like your main problem is not blending in with cis guys. You know the clothes you wear and the interests you have don't really tell much of your gender identity. I'd say that you should consider whether not these feelings arise simply because you don't fit into the typical male gender stereotypes.
You can still be a girl transman. Are you gay or Bi? Because you could fit in better maybe with a LGBT group that way. Also, you can always dress drag sense your on T. Do whatever you feel is right and don't worry about trying to fit in. People will love and accept you for who you are and will love that you are you and only you and that there is no other like you. ---------- Post added 9th Oct 2015 at 07:34 PM ---------- * sorry, ment girly transman
Not an expert in this, but in my experience, when I can't figure something out right away I give it some time. It can be hard, but figuring these things out are definitely not an overnight thing. You are 21 and have plenty of time to find what fits you best. Intuition is the key maybe.
Ignoring the social issues for the time being, are you happy with the physical changes brought by being on T? If not, it might be wise to talk to your doctor about stopping T until you're sure about how you want to proceed. If so, then remember that figuring this all out isn't urgent. It might take time, but you will find a solution that works for you. You will figure out who you are and how you want to live. One thing to keep in mind: change is scary. I've been missing my girl self and my girl clothes and having long hair lately, but for me it's just because transitioning socially has been frightening and being a girl is familiar. I know how to be a girl. I know how to have long hair and dresses and be called "she", even if it's uncomfortable. Sometimes even good changes can scare you and make you want to go back to how things used to be. It doesn't mean they weren't good changes; it doesn't mean you made the wrong decision. It just means it'll take some time getting used to. In regards to fitting in with cis guys: I have trouble fitting in with cis guys too, because I wasn't raised as a guy. This isn't what I'm used to. I am almost exclusively friends with girls, and I like it that way. But I'm still a guy. Maybe you're just a guy who gets along better with girls. That's okay. Take some time to think about whether you really don't want to be a guy, or whether you just don't want to be the type of guy you're trying to be right now. Maybe you want to be a guy who wears dresses and has long hair and is friends with girls. You can do that. You don't have to dress masculine and hang out with cis guys to be trans. And if you figure out that you're not a trans guy and you decide that detransitioning is the right choice for you, that's okay too. People talk about detransitioning as if it were the worst thing ever, but it's not. It's okay to change your mind. No, it's not an ideal situation and it's not easy, but it's doable and it's okay.
If it's only your girl clothes/makeup that you miss, that doesn't mean anything. I wear dresses and makeup all the time. What someone of a gender can and cannot wear is nothing but a social construct If the PHYSICAL changes are what is upsetting you, THAT is when you need to be concerned and think carefully through how to proceed. But if you truly do discover you are not trans, don't beat yourself up. Things change, people change, and as you go through life you will make mistakes and you'll have to back it up and start over. That's alright. It's all okay, hun. Dark stated it wonderfully and in more detail than I did- I'd go deeper into it but I need to get off my butt and go clean my pet's cages before they all revolt
