Since my last post on March 13th, my life has changed as I never, ever, EVER...thought that it would. My marriage has ended and my heart is broken. All of my life I have had secret thoughts, a few experiences in high school, that were more experimentation than life choice. But I knew being gay wan't acceptable. I couldn't be gay. I couldn't be that sinful, dirty, weird, perverted "gay" guy! When I watched straight porn it was the men I watched, but the talk of women had to be there to hide my secret. As long as I had the porn, I could feed that hidden part of me, and keep everything in check. The intimacy with my wife was real, she is a beautiful person, the family that we built together is beautiful. My children (3) do not know about me, although I am sure they suspect, they are 19, 21 and 24. So, here I am. Lonely. Writing to you my new online family. I all most feel guilty for the peace I feel in my soul. The pain that I have caused to those that I love, is that really fair? (insert opinion here: for over 45 years I have been in mental, spiritual and physical pain from the lies and hiding from myself). I know the papers will come, I will sign them and I will begin my new life.....right? I will....right? What do I do? I have no experience in the gay life. I have not had any sexual contact with a man, I'm a "virgin" at 53. WOW...I have no interest in one night stands, but beyond that, I live in a rural southern town, I doubt I am the only gay, but I am the only one that I know. So what do I do? Do I move to a larger city? "DAY DREAM ala family guy to me strutting down the big city streets, twirling around like Marlo Thomas while I have a damn Jim Nabors country boy grin across my face" I don't think so... I'm sorry, humor is one of my coping mechanisms! In all seriousness, what's next? Grieving? Anger? How do I meet people? It's a silly question, but what about sex? I appreciate your thoughts. Your experiences. Your encouragment.
Hi, I feel for you, we're about the same age and in the same situation. And I even know who Marlo Thomas and Jim Nabors are, LOL! We didn't ask to be gay, but because of the choices we made when younger, we lived in a conflict of values (staying married taking care of the kids, vs. living life as we are). Now we are both going through a divorce, it's taking forever but in about a month I'm moving out. I am fortunate to live in a city with a large gay population, I don't know which town you are in, but you may indeed find it easier to find companions in a larger city. I hear Austin TX is a good place to go (don't know if that is even an option for you). ---------- Post added 3rd Apr 2013 at 10:15 PM ---------- Here is a link to one of the most useful posts on dating here at EC: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/famil...king-relationship-simpler-than-you-think.html There is a lot of good stuff in here and it should help you greatly during this wonderful time of discovery (both self-discovery and learning what it means to love deeply, probably for the very first time)
Hi pnattmbtc Sorry to hear that your marriage has ended, it sounds as though this came out of the blue since your first post suggested your wife had been very supportive over the last 5 months since you came out to her. I am wondering what happened to change things since I have just come out to my very supportive wife. I’m also 53 and did not think that I would find guys interested in an old git but it would seem that I am wrong at least from my initial search using some “location based” apps on my mobile phone. I have found many guys in my neighbourhood and even though my profile clearly stated my age I have been contacted by guys in their 20s/30s so I was pleasantly surprised. Have you tried looking at any of the apps available to see how many guys are out there you may be surprised also. I noticed one of the advisors on here (sorry I can’t find the link just now) suggesting that once a guy comes out of a long term straight relationship it’s probably best to wait a few years before jumping into a gay long term relationship. This time is best spent coming to terms with being gay and learning the ropes. GreatWhale: Thanks for reposting that link, it’s very interesting. Sale Gay Guy
Thanks for your replies, I think that we both, my wife and I, realized that we were both playing the roles that we had been playing for so long, Not having sex, or when we did it was mutual Masturbation at best. We tried to stick our heads back into the sand and pretend that the words had never left my lips. In the end it was the realization that we both deserve to be loved in our entirety, completely, wholly. It hurts like hell. I miss her at night, in the mornings and in the afternoons and yet I know that we are better off this way. I have a good counselor and a pastor that is understanding and supportive of my situation. I hope that answers your question...I wish you success and happiness in your marriage
Hi, These feelings of loss will change and ebb in time. It will be like grieving, it is grieving. This is why people are told to wait a year before dating after a long term relationship. Sure it would be easy to hook up in a rebound relationship to make it "easier" but you would in all probability dump that person too as your grieving waned. That is not fair to anyone. I would suggest that a rebound relationship would be akin to taking up alcohol to make grieving easier which is a horrific route. Just my opinion. It is a natural process. If it gets extreme talk it out.
Hi Guys I too an 53, have been married for 24 years now and have two beautiful teenage kids. My wife does not know yet, but I have made a commitment to myself that I will come out in the next little while. I have also met a wonderful guy about 9 months ago, and not only do I feel guilty for what I will put my family through, but I also feel guilty for not being free to have a real relationship with him. We have stopped seeing each other as it is not fair to him and I hope that he is still there for me when I do come out, as I know he will be a huge support. I just wanted to share this, as there are nice guys out there, but in the meantime I think you need to take up a couple new hobbies so you don't spend all of your time alone. Maybe moving to another city might be a good thing in your case where you have more opportunity to meet other gay guys.
