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Dating while in the closet

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by ohioguy05, Sep 13, 2010.

  1. ohioguy05

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    ok so here is the situation:
    I am still not out in the closet, but I tried dating in the closet twice before. The one guy and I really didn't hit it off, but the other, lets call him Adam, was someone I might like to get to know. We met on a dating site and we talked for a while on the phone. We didn't have too many similar interests, but there was some chemistry. I called it all off, I guess because of nervousness that I would be "caught" on a date and we haven't talked for a few months. He called tonight and I was too cautious to pick up the phone and I guess I am coming here for help. I want to date guys, I really do, but I don't know if I am ready to come out to everyone. Adam says he is fine with me being in the closet, for a little while, and it would be nice to have someone supporting me when I come out to my Ultra Conservative parents and homophobic best friend (long story). Any advice? Please....
     
  2. Lexington

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    Honestly, I'd suggest you hold off on dating for the time being. Not because you're in the closet, really, but because I'm not sure your head is in the right spot yet.

    Think about this for a second. You seem to have an idea what Adam might do for you. He can help you get more comfortable with being gay. He can be your main means of support when you come out to your parents and friend. Have you given much thought to what you might bring to the relationship? I mean, you were too scared to pick up the phone when he called. Why? Even if you live with your parents, and they're in the room, it wouldn't take much effort to convey this info to him. ("I actually can't talk right now. Could I call you back in a bit?") You'll need to at least be able to pull something like that off if you're going to be dating him. It's one thing to give a closeted guy some leeway in a relationship, but you may be forcing him to kinda bend over backwards in order to accommodate you in your current spot.

    If I could make an alternate suggestion, I'd say don't bother dating right now. Instead, perhaps you could befriend a couple gay guys. Then you wouldn't have to worry about "putting them in a corner", but you could interact with them on a platonic level. I think that might help you feel more comfortable about your sexuality, without the added stress of both being in a relationship AND hiding it from everybody.

    Lex
     
  3. RedState

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    Well, from someone that has done it..it is possible, but it can be difficult at times. First of all if you do want to "date" you have to get over the paranoia.

    Second (which has been my problem at times) is that "Adam" said he would be fine with you being in the closet for a while....well...what does a while mean? I have found that when one is out and one is not, over time it does cause some friction. If you're ready to come out, sure it is great to have someone there by your side to support you...but a lot of times, you may feel undue pressure to come out when you are not ready to.

    I think Lex is right...no need to rush into things. Just gently involve yourself into the gay community...get some gay friends and go from there. Just because you are gay doesn't mean you have to have a boyfriend off the bat. Just venture out into this new world and see what you find.
     
  4. TroubledRyan

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    I personally do not think it is fair for a closted person to strain another guy, because you might just end up selfishly hurting him.

    So ya, I would follow lex's advice