Dating while closeted or unsure

I see two things that at least for me say that you should put dating or looking for a relationship off for a while.

1 ) You are a bit over one month out of a six year relationship. If you were to try to be with someone now it would probably be a rebound thing and rebound relationships are rarely long lasting (though not never). The recommendations that I have seen are that after getting out of a serious relationship you should spend at least 6 months recovering plus another month for each year of the relationship. Even if you do not wait that long I feel that one month is way too short to get yourself back on your feet.

2 ) If you are not certain whether you are a man or a woman how is whoever you date going to be sure how to relate to you. In my life I have had a lot of trouble with people trying to manipulate me into being what they want. Before you allow someone in your life I think that you should stabilize your own identity first. If you do not want to wait until you are fairly sure who you are at least be sure to inform anyone who you date of your uncertainty and that things might change.

 

Big thing I want to say is do not do anything permanent if you are not sure where you fit (i.e. surgery).

Next point- Relationships with trans people can be very difficult and the person who is not trans in the relationship goes through a series of emotions and conflicts. One reason this can happen (although I am certainly not speaking for everyone), is that your identity can conflict and clash with their own. Although you did not specify your ex-partner's sexual orientation I am assuming she is heterosexual, could be wrong though. For me I was a lesbian who dated trans men at different times in my life, all of them coming out after the relationship was already established. So at first things were great but as my partner would begin to change physically or bring out traditionally masculine qualities it changed the relationship. At times I missed the person my partner used to be. We were young and we didn't talk much about things because I wanted to keep it positive and happy. I thought talking about things would threaten the relationship and I still loved this person and wanted to be dedicated to them. I know I said I had a few trans partners but there was one in particular that stood out to me because it was my first major relationship.

Now that my back story is out of the way, I will answer your question on what my thoughts are on this. I would most likely hold off on finding a romantic partner at the moment. Once you have a better understanding of yourself that can help guide you in finding the right partner. I am not sure if your ex partner dated other trans folks in the past or was already open to it prior to the relationship. You might be better off in the future finding someone who has experience dating trans people or even people who are trans. As far as meeting potential partners who are trans or open to trans people, I would maybe start by meeting more trans folks. It is hard during the pandemic of course. Generally community groups for trans people is a good place to start. In my area most of the trans groups also have social media groups. While I wouldn't go into these groups with a mission to find a romantic or sex partner, it is a good start. The benefit in my opinion of trans people dating trans people is that you don't have to explain as much and perhaps you can relate to each other more.

The biggest reason also why I recommend community groups is to increase the amount of friends you have who can relate and empathize with you. We always tell people 'you are not alone' and I dislike that statement because usually the person who thinks/feels they are alone don't feel that counter statement I mentioned is true. What I prefer to say is 'you don't have to go through this alone'. So certainly consider honing in on a group.

 

Quiet Peace said it best, Rebound Relationship,,, NO,

 

To be honest I am in sort of the same situation, I finish an 8 years relationship in order to protect her, cause I am unsure of my Gender. I am super confuse ( details in my previous post in the forum), burt the main thing it was what seems fair to me at the moment, do I repent myself?, sometimes yes. But we are staying as friend at the moment. She know i am in doubt, but not at the extend i have really described before. I cannot give you any advice, but my simpaties. We are on the same boat...

 

I agree with most of what's been said already. First give yourself time to work out where you see yourself in terms of your gender.

Speaking personally, I think diving into a new relationship just because you're missing the companionship of the old isn't a good idea at the best of times, let alone when you're feeling unsure and confused about yourself.

I'm in a similar position only in that I know I want to date again at some point, but there's no way that I'm going to be ready emotionally until I'm some way down the road to full transition. I want to feel loved again, but as me, a trans woman. Not the person I once was.

Beth

 

The good news on that is that I have found someone who really does seem ok with the fact that I was AMAB and cares about me as me. The hard news though is that I had to "kiss a lot of frogs", I unfortunately found that most of the people that I dated were abusive in some way (either using me for their own profit or fetish).

 

I tried that, it does not work. I even submitted to conversion "therapy", it was a disaster for everyone involved. Lying to yourself and your significant other (which is what pretending that you are someone who you are not is) is not a basis for a healthy relationship.