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Cutting

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by AsheTheHuman, Sep 23, 2014.

  1. AsheTheHuman

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    Thank you. (*hug*)
     
  2. Kaylen

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    So, hello. I have a history of both self-harm and eating disorders, both of which are still a problem that I'm working on. That being said, I understand the need. It's a relief from both pain and lack of it. A way to make you feel something that can't be attributed to anything other than your own physical self. I'm not quite sure how to phrase it, but I'm sure you understand.

    Posting this was one of three things: a need to communicate, a want for help, or a cry for attention. All of which are okay. I've always felt that those who hurt themselves, including myself, present and past, do not do it for attention if we hide it - like you have done, on your shoulders and thighs. That's why me posting this is for you - I don't like talking about it, and I don't like admitting where the cuts and scars came from. I really do understand.

    So, I think the best thing is for you to find someone to talk to about it. To talk about getting better, or just to someone who understands. People prior to me have made this offer, but I will reiterate it: I'm here to talk if you want - both through online or offline means.

    I hope things get better for you. (*hug*)
     
  3. Blossom85

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    I think I will just leave you to think about what everyone has already said.. It's you and you alone that can stop, only when and if you feel you can.. As I said.. I am only trying to get an understand of it so I can try to help you the best way I can.. It's you in the end that needs to be the one who wants to stop cutting.. We can only be here for you in whatever way you want us to be, if you do wanna talk.. I am here.
     
  4. AsheTheHuman

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    Last time I saw my therapist was two, maybe three weeks ago. Before I started. I'd considered cutting before, but it was a very rare occurrence and I'd never go through with it. I'll be seeing her (my therapist) and an LGBTQ/Gender Therapist within the next couple months. I've heard that a lot. "It's never okay to hurt yourself to make yourself feel better.", I mean. I don't know. It's easy to say, but hard to believe it. Not when it's such a huge relief.

    @Kaylen and Blossom, thank you. It means a lot.
     
    #24 AsheTheHuman, Sep 24, 2014
    Last edited: Sep 24, 2014
  5. Starfleet

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    Hey Ashe. I'd like to help. I'm here. You aren't alone. :slight_smile:
     
  6. PatrickUK

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    I'm really pleased you are still posting on this thread and it's good that writing about it is helping. Write more, if it helps you. It's not a pity party by the way, so please don't devalue your feelings with statements like that. Very often, people who self injure do fall into the trap of seeing themselves as having no real value in life and I'm telling you that's just not true. So when the urge to cut comes upon you next, why don't you try to 'surf it' for a few minutes by coming back to this thread and telling us exactly what you are thinking. If the urge to cut subsides as a result, then we (EC) have done something to help you by giving you an outlet, but if it's too strong to resist and you can't hold back, so be it. There is no shame in not being strong enough. At least you can take pride in the fact that you tried something different.. just like yesterday with the hot shower.

    Can you describe how it felt yesterday when you saw the blood after cutting? I'm not asking for gruesome reasons, but to try to understand if it 'released' something.

    Ashe, I'm just wondering if you have tried bruising rather than cutting? It's still not great, but bruises eventually heal, whereas cutting leaves you with these tissue scars. Is it something you'd consider or do you really NEED to cut? Tell us, if you can.

    I hope you are not finding the questions too intrusive. We're asking because we we'd like to try to understand what you are going through and help you, if we can. Most importantly we're asking because we care.

    Keep talking, stay connected. It might not seem much, but it's actually a big thing to share all of that emotion.
     
  7. AsheTheHuman

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    The blood was scary at first. But then it helped more than ever before. I only did it to one arm. Previously I'd need to cut both arms and my thighs before I felt 'done' so to speak. I did start getting the urge to cut my other arm later, but this site and everyone's messages distracted me until I could fall asleep. School was really good today, and the support group's tonight. I feel no need to do it right now, and I'm hoping my good mood will carry into at least tonight. As for bruising... I'm not sure. Especially now wit the blood.. I'll try to consider it, but somehow I doubt it. Thanks for the suggestion though. I've also tried rubber bands. They just don't have enough 'oomph' I guess.
     
  8. Blossom85

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    I'm glad to hear you were able to quell your urge to cut.. It's gonna take time and a lot of dedication and a lot of courage.. But don't feel ashamed or bad if you find yourself going back into old habits, just take it one day at a time.. Or one hour at a time if you have to.
     
  9. AsheTheHuman

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    Okay. So. I went to the support group and it was amazing. Being here on EC is fantastic and I love it, but being able to talk about everything out loud and get responses from people I can see and converse with... And then I got to be Ashe. I didn't even NEED to say my birth name. I've already got someone who wants to do my hair sometime, and I was invited to go LARP'ing with him at a nearby park next Sunday. I'm really good right now. However. The last time I felt this good, I crashed super hard the next day. That's why I started all this in the first place. Tomorrow is Friday, but I'm still scared I'm going to crash again. I also decided exactly how I feel about cutting. I don't want to do it, but at the same time, it's worth it when the lows start to hit. I know a certain amount of this is a self fulfilling prophecy, so I'm trying to have a good attitude about tomorrow. I just don't want to come home again feeling like absolute shit in the middle of the day.
     
  10. Starfleet

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    Ashe, if you need to talk, like tomorrow, or now :slight_smile: I'm here.

    Awesome that the support group went so well. Just because you crashed last time, doesn't mean you'll crash this time.
     
  11. Blossom85

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    That is really good Ashe, it is a big positive step and I think you just need to remember you support of everyone here and also at your support group.. So whenever you feel low, just remember that. Like I said.. There will be ups and downs.. I think you need to expect that, it's up to you how you handle the down moments. I smiled reading this post because I am happy that you had a good experience with the support group, it sounds like it is just what you need right now. I'm here if you need to talk a well, just know we are all on your side. (*hug*)
     
  12. AsheTheHuman

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    Shit shit shit shit shit. Why the FUCK now? Everything was fine and all the emotions I managed to avoid today are suddenly coming back all at once Fuck fuck fuck fuck
     
  13. Starfleet

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    Ashe? Talk to me Babe. You aren't alone.
     
  14. Blossom85

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    Just breathe Ashe, just count to 10, and take a slow, deep breath.. Think of everything good that happened today, just keep that in mind.. Forget the bad things.. Just concentrate on the good.. I'm sorry you are going through this.. Just know you don't have to go through it alone though.
     
  15. PatrickUK

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    Ashe, just say what's on your mind. Say it here. Spend some time posting a message and let it out if it helps. Buy yourself a bit of time and just see if it works and helps you focus back to some of the postives. Gotta be worth a try, don't you think?
     
  16. Starfleet

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    Ashe, I'm here. How are you today? :slight_smile:
     
  17. AsheTheHuman

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    So, I think a quick update is in order. School really sucked today. No doubt the worst part was Psychology class. We have debates every Friday, and one of today's was "Should transgender people be able to identify as what they want?" Not surprisingly, most of the people were completely ignorant on the issue. There was a lot of "No"s. Why? I'm paraphrasing here, but "No. That's decided by what's in your pants", "No. That's stupid", and my own goddamn teacher was the worst. He went off on how it'd be to easy to switch between genders when it became appropriate or more desirable. The worst part was the fact that one of the students KNOWS a trans girl. And she kept referring to her as "him". Now I barely ever speak up during these debates, but I managed to gather up all my courage, and loudly correct him. "She." That's all I said, but it manage'd to get him to rethink things. The rest of the time, she was referred to as she. I wish I could have said more, fought back against their asinine arguments. In a way, I feel like I let down all my new trans friends both from EC and the support group, But I'm glad I managed to say anything at all. When I came home, I wanted to cut pretty badly. I used my newly learned hot shower trick instead and it worked. Since I woke up this morning I've been clean, even through one of my most stressful school moments ever. That leads me to one more thing. School. While I was talking to Starfleet last night it hit me. School is why I feel like this. I'm out at home and with my closest friends. The only place where I'm scared to be Ashe is school. The only place where I feel like I'm lying is at school. The only place where I'm afraid I won't be accepted is school. It's also the source of all my religion related griefs. And so last night with Starfleet I decided. I'm transferring. My mom's never been totally against it, but she's always wanted me to go there. The school I'm currently at looks a lot better on a college application and I have the suspicion that she's hoping that I'll rediscover Jesus there or something. It's not worth it anymore. At a new school I can be Ashe from day one. I won't need to lie. I'll know who's for it and against it from the start instead of worrying about who I should and shouldn't tell. Finally, I wanted to give a thank you to everyone who's helped me out. Wether you've just posted a comment on this thread or have stayed up until the wee hours of the morning talking to me, thank you. I'd have a lot more cuts if it weren't for you.
     
  18. AsheTheHuman

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    I'm about to go to bed. While this technically isn't my first day without cutting, it is my first 'day cycle' (from time I wake up to time I go to bed.) without it. Thank you all one more time. If I you're going to help me through my lows, I want you to be here for my highs as well. ~<3
     
  19. Blossom85

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    You did so well today sweetie, And I think transferring will be good for you cause it is a brand new start, you can start with a clean slate at a new school.. It's good you are writing about your high points as well as your low points. I hope you can have a good nighy sleep, thinking of you Ashe xx
     
  20. Starfleet

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    Ashe, I'm so proud of you. :slight_smile: Keep fighting Babe, get what you want out of life, we're with you. (*hug*)