I’m 26. I have been with my fiancé for 5 years now and have two amazing Children. I want to come out but it tears me up of thinking that I will change their lives forever. I grew up with divorced parents and I really don’t want that for my kids. But I’m also living a lie. What do I do?
Hi, and welcome. You're in the right place. The tough part here is that no matter what you do, things aren't ideal. But the truth is, things will likely be a whole lot better if you take action now rather than try and live a lie for the next 15 or whatever years. For one thing, your fiancé deserves the truth before she marries you. So in general, especially at your age, it's probably better to disclose this to your wife and begin talking about what's next. Almost certainly, she'll be angry and upset. Joe Kort has written an amazing book "Ten Smart THings Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love" (which has almost nothing to do with finding real love, and everything to do with understanding and coming to terms with yourself) which I recommend to everyone in your circumstances. In his book, Dr. Kort says that in his 25+ years of experience as a therapist, he's found that, once the dust settles, the hetero spouse of the gay man coming out nearly always realizes that, at some level, she knew or suspected that her spouse was gay, and avoided or minimized it. So Kort argues that both members of the couple are essentially complicit in keeping the truth from surfacing. As far as your kids go... divorce isn't great, but if the parents handle things appropriately and with compassion, the kids shouldn't be any worse off, and arguably, if you're stressed and keep it hidden, or if you and your fiancé discuss it and decide to stay together... the kids will sense the stress and that's arguably worse, as without explanation, they will assume they are at fault (kids are quite egocentric, and see the world as revolving around them.) The one thing that's important is transparency with your wife... don't go out and have clandestine hookups with guys, as that will destroy the trust and authenticity that is there, and that will certainly have a negative effect on your fiancé and your kids. But this also isn't something you have to do tomorrow... take some time, breathe, think about what feels right, what (if any) timeline you have for this, and in the meantime, talk about whatever is coming up for you here, as simply having people to share with can be immensely helpful.
Man. It’s been a tough night. I’m not sure what’s going on with the stars but my head is spinning. 3 solid years of knowing my own truth and burying it and tonight I’ve peaked (So far...). Im ready to come to grips with things. Funny you mention timeline. I would like to just blurt it our now but I know I need to set aside some time alone where we can actually have a true conversation. I was thinking soon when we go on vacation without the kids. But the day we get back is his birthday party and I would hate to ruin that. But then again, is there ever a “good” time?
