1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Crush tells me to have no 'expectations'.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by foreveralo, Jan 24, 2018.

Thread Tools

Thread Tools

  1. foreveralo

    foreveralo
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 7, 2017
    Messages:
    18
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Long story short: I fell in love with him at first sight. He was super friendly, cute and seemed interested as well. After months of crying at night and desperately thinking of him 24/7, I confessed my love to him. That was the best day of my life when he too admitted his feelings.

    We have been very close ever since. Can't thank God enough. I still think of him all day and start missing him if I don't see him or his texts. He is the cutest thing in this world. So innocent and funny and so attractive. His man smell reminds me of mellow flowers.

    The problem: he keeps on telling me that I have developed expectations from him. He talks/texts to me all day. He comes over whenever he is free. He sends me funny posts on my social accounts all day. BUT he tells me that there should be no expectations whatsoever. Trust me, I have NEVER demanded anything from him. I keep on accommodating him to make him happy. Then WHY does he keep on reminding me that I should not expect? Also he said that I should not associate feelings with him? WTH??? I don't even know why he would say that.

    What is happening? have I smothered him? Is he afraid of commitment? Or he is just stupid?
    I do admit that he is a little shy on expressing feelings. He blushes whenever I touch him and I know (or I don't?) that he loves me too. Then why the constant reminders?

    Any advice here?
     
    #1 foreveralo, Jan 24, 2018
  2. Broods

    Broods
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 21, 2015
    Messages:
    102
    Likes Received:
    5
    Location:
    Toronto
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I've got to say, from personal experience, this may be a red flag. Something down the line to call back to if things don't go well, or he gets flighty to say "I told you to not have expectations." But it's also possible that he's just guarded with his heart, and trying to play off how he feels about you. His actions speak louder than his words in this case - if he is initiating seeing you, talking to you, texting you, those are all good signs.

    It sounds like you care deeply about him, so I genuinely hope it's the latter. It's hard to weigh in without knowing him, or how long you have been seeing each other. If it's something new, it's understandable that he may have cold feet or nerves. But if you've been together for a while, this is definitely a red flag in my opinion.
     
    #2 Broods, Jan 24, 2018
  3. foreveralo

    foreveralo
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 7, 2017
    Messages:
    18
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Yes, he initiates contact almost 90% of the time. He sends me texts after texts on my cellphone, simultaneously chatting with me on my fb messenger. He tries to be extra funny around me. And those glances that he steals at me...God I love all of that.
    But then again, he tells me that I should not associate feelings or emotions or expectations. Isn't love all about expectations/feelings?

    Yes, it has been only a couple of months that we spoke about our feelings and perhaps he is not sure about our future. And trust me I am not even asking him to come out openly infront of family/friends. I just expect to have intimacy with him in our privacy. I don't even force myself on him. I have tried asking him as to what it means and the best I can figure out is that perhaps he enjoys all the attention I give him and by saying all of that, he is making me chase him more.

    Sigh...
     
    #3 foreveralo, Jan 24, 2018
  4. KnucklesNation

    KnucklesNation
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 14, 2015
    Messages:
    301
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    North Carolina
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    It sounds like he already got a situation going on. But due to the fact that I don't know him, it makes it difficult to narrow it down. Another guy/girl, religious beliefs/family, not wanting a relationship, not being out, etc. Regardless of that "don't have expectations" is frightening...it's like the emergency broadcast system alerting you of a natural disaster headed your way...sounds like it could spell trouble over the horizon.
     
    #4 KnucklesNation, Jan 24, 2018
  5. foreveralo

    foreveralo
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 7, 2017
    Messages:
    18
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Even I don't know what the problem is. But regardless, why is he leading me on??? :frowning2:
    I have become so much used to him being around. Day before yesterday, we had a slight disagreement and I did not speak with him for entire day, in protest. And today he mended up our friendship and texted me all day. But somewhere he again mentioned the expectation thing. After which I am posting here.
     
    #5 foreveralo, Jan 24, 2018
  6. PatrickUK

    PatrickUK
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2014
    Messages:
    6,943
    Likes Received:
    2,362
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    When you revealed your feelings for him, what precisely did you tell him and what did he say in response? What were his exact words? It might be helpful at this stage to know what was said. Is it possible that he loves you very much as a close and intimate friend, rather than as a boyfriend? It's very easy for the lines to become blurred between a tight friendship (which includes a good measure of love and affection) and an actual relationship, and when we have a crush on someone our judgement and perception of events can become rather clouded.

    I'm pleased you haven't forced yourself on him and nor must you. I don't know what you meant by the word "force" in the context of this sentence, but you must be very careful not to cross the line. It's also notable that you "expect" to have intimacy in your privacy and I wonder how certain you are that he feels the same. Could this be the reason why he keeps telling you to avoid expectations?

    Just some things to think about.
     
    #6 PatrickUK, Jan 25, 2018
  7. foreveralo

    foreveralo
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 7, 2017
    Messages:
    18
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Well it all happened on text messaging. I texted him one night that I had to say something but was too afraid that he wouldn't appreciate the subject matter and may hate me for it. He said he never would mind anything. Somehow I managed to hold back myself and didn't text him back. He begged me all next day to tell him what it was. Then, next night I texted him that ever since I had met him I have been very restless. I have met some awesome people in life but he was nothing like I have ever met before. And that I had fallen for him and I wanted to have him in my life. And that I would be perfectly okay if he chooses not to talk to me afterwards but I had to get this out of my system. I also made it clear that my intentions were nothing sexual. I just wanted to know if he also liked me.
    He took a while to respond and said that he had no answer for me. And I apologized saying that it's okay; I didn't expect much.
    We didn't talk the day after.
    The third day he came over and asked if I was mad at him. I said there was nothing to be mad about. And then he said he did like me a lot and that he didn't want me to be upset. But he was also apprehensive about what I wanted from this. I made it clear that I didn't want any sex. I just wanted to have an assurance that the cutest guy in the world likes me!
    Trust me, he is so cute that whenever we have gatherings, everyone is attentive towards him.
    And there it was, the assurance I needed. Knowing that he liked me was the best feeling ever. Our conversations increased. The time spent together got even better. I could see the happiness in his eyes, and I am sure he too saw that in mine.

    And we have never had any sexual contact. The most we may have touched eachother is random pats. To be honest, I can't imagine myself having sex with him. The thought is too repulsive; I can't do this to him. He is so innocent that I just want to keep him unscathed. BUT I am dying to kiss him. I so much want to cuddle with him, smell him, hold him in my arms. And that's what I mean when I say I haven't forced myself on him.

    Alas! after all this, he tells me there should be no expectations :frowning2:
     
    #7 foreveralo, Jan 25, 2018
  8. foreveralo

    foreveralo
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 7, 2017
    Messages:
    18
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    It just occurred to me that clearly him and I are not on the same level of liking. Had he liked me in the same way, he would have never mentioned all the expectation thing. I guess I am just beating about the bush and need to move on.
     
    #8 foreveralo, Jan 25, 2018
  9. Humbly Me

    Humbly Me
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 31, 2017
    Messages:
    2,072
    Likes Received:
    311
    Location:
    California
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    It may be so, but since you really care about him it might be worth discussing in person what he specifically means if for no other reason that your closure.
     
    #9 Humbly Me, Jan 25, 2018
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 25, 2018
  10. PatrickUK

    PatrickUK
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2014
    Messages:
    6,943
    Likes Received:
    2,362
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Based on what you wrote and his response, I would suggest there is a gap between how you feel and how he feels. Yes, he did say he likes you a lot, but that doesn't necessarily mean what you have perhaps taken it to mean. I would guess he likes you a lot as a friend and probably feels very close to you - as a friend, but he's telling you to avoid expectations of more because he doesn't want more and cannot give you more. I think he's trying to tell you as nicely as he possibly can.

    He can still be a great friend and I hope that brings you some happiness.
     
    #10 PatrickUK, Jan 25, 2018
  11. foreveralo

    foreveralo
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 7, 2017
    Messages:
    18
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Thank you ALL. I think you all highlighted the small details that I was willfully ignoring. Yes, chances are he is a great friend and likes me on a different level. But we all know how long it takes to get over feelings like these. I am still willing to cling onto hope.
    Maybe I will ignore him and get him to speak himself. I just wish now, I hadn't met him. I love him like crazy.
    Life and its ironies.
     
    #11 foreveralo, Jan 25, 2018
  12. Humbly Me

    Humbly Me
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 31, 2017
    Messages:
    2,072
    Likes Received:
    311
    Location:
    California
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Ignoring him without stating your reason will only force apart your friendship and damage your relationship if it could exist. Your priority should be on getting him to explain and then deciding what the best course of action is for you.
     
    #12 Humbly Me, Jan 25, 2018
  13. KnucklesNation

    KnucklesNation
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 14, 2015
    Messages:
    301
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    North Carolina
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Aww, I'm sorry. I wish it could have worked out.
     
    #13 KnucklesNation, Jan 25, 2018
  14. PatrickUK

    PatrickUK
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2014
    Messages:
    6,943
    Likes Received:
    2,362
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I don't think ignoring him is the way to go. Rather than getting him to speak, it could alienate him against you and push him away completely. How would you feel if that happened? Even though it hurts that you cannot have a deeper relationship with him, I feel sure that it would hurt just as much, if not more, to lose him altogether.

    It does sound like he loves you (as a friend) and I personally think there is huge value in that sort of love, because it endures and never fails you. Most of us will have boyfriends, girlfriends, partners and lovers who will let us down, fail or betray us at some point, but a good friend never will. Just think about that before making a rash decision or wishing you had never met. Sometimes we exhaust ourselves in the pursuit of love, and become very miserable when it doesn't work out well. If we put the same effort into cultivating great friendships, we might be a lot happier.
     
    #14 PatrickUK, Jan 26, 2018
    Jax12 likes this.
  15. foreveralo

    foreveralo
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 7, 2017
    Messages:
    18
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Okay so I guess I need to highlight some other things. I mentioned that we had a slight disagreement where we didn't speak for a day afterwards. That was the first time I tested him. I highlighted something that he did, which I perceived to be an intentional gesture to hurt my feelings. Instead of explaining, he freaked out and said some crude stuff as to how he didn't like anyone telling him what to do and what not. I was left shocked. He said some totally irrelevant stuff and didn't even apologize. However, he did come over and started random conversations a day after. By that time I was so mentally exhausted that I let it go and turned normal. During our talk he told me that I should not have expected that he was all nice and gentle. I explained that he had always been such a chill guy that I never thought he would say all that stuff. And he replied that I had assumed things about him and that assumptions lead to expectations. I was blown away by how he brought the 'expectations' into the conversation. I have never demanded money, nor sex, nor physical contact, nor forced dates, neither asked him to hangout if he didn't feel like. THEN WHAT THE HELL? And I decided to let it all go. I still feel for him but I have no clue what he is doing.
    I have suffered heartbreaks in past and I can live through this one too.
    I just don't to invite him to a conversation and place my heart beneath his feet and let him walk all over it. I don't want to ask him what he wants when I know he'd bring the stupid expectations again.
    I do know he is very fond of me and can't live a day without me and I'll see how it goes when I tell him to have no expectations from me because I have stopped caring about him.
     
    #15 foreveralo, Jan 26, 2018
  16. Humbly Me

    Humbly Me
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 31, 2017
    Messages:
    2,072
    Likes Received:
    311
    Location:
    California
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Please phrase this more politely when saying it to him.
     
    #16 Humbly Me, Jan 27, 2018
  17. Anthemic

    Anthemic
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 17, 2012
    Messages:
    1,890
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Alabama
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I think he is conflicted. Is he openly gay?
     
    #17 Anthemic, Jan 27, 2018
  18. foreveralo

    foreveralo
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 7, 2017
    Messages:
    18
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    He is not openly gay and neither am I. We have just revealed our feelings to each other. And we are both okay not being out to everyone, as long as we know we are there for each other.

    Today we met again, and he seemed to be in a pleasant mood. We hung out and shared some laughter. He ended up apologizing without explaining why he had been bringing the 'expectation' subject in every conversation. He did tell me though that he had been stressed out lately because of work. I didn't argue or fight or forced him to explain more than he wanted to. Tonight I found him stealing glances at me even though he is welcome to stare me in the eyes. He was being too cute unintentionally, and he is cute beyond praise. Even I can't look at him for extended minutes because he is so attractive. When I do look at him, I forget what I am talking about.
    He said he should not have said things and he had only said all of that because he has always felt encouraged to speak his mind in my presence. (I would have kissed him at that moment, if I could!)

    We hugged briefly as we parted and I let my heart open for him once more. I think our relation will be like this for a long time, and I can live with it. I hope he was just stressed out because of work and not because of me. I love him and I have no words to explain how much. I love him and even as I type, my heart thumps against my chest. I wish I could show him to all of you and y'll would understand how much I am terrified of losing him.
     
    #18 foreveralo, Jan 27, 2018
  19. Glitters

    Glitters
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 11, 2017
    Messages:
    122
    Likes Received:
    31
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Hmm, contrary to most responses, to me it sounds like he has low self-esteem and is telling you not to have expectations of him because he's worried of letting you down. I think he's convinced himself that he's not able to be good in this relationship with you. The lashing out could also be what he's talking about. He might fear that you think too highly of him when in reality he breaks very easily.

    It sounds like you've rushed into this relationship too quickly, although I don't know your exact circumstances, so I can't say that for sure. Try to slow down and work things out, don't ignore him. Resolve your issues instead of letting them fester.
     
    #19 Glitters, Jan 27, 2018
(You must log in or sign up to post here.)