hey so ive known this girl for a couple years now and i think she is super cute and she is super sweet with me but she has a bf... i see her every couple of months and i i always get the same feelings after. when i see her ifeel shy, but as the night develops we go back to being like old pals having deep conversations etc. she is super affectionate despite knowing that im not straight but i always feel bad afterwards that i i might never be with someone like that! I find it difficult to find girls that im im attracted to that would like me back so i guess this just makes it more painful ;(
The reason this is so painful to you is not because this isn’t a loving relationship that you have with her, but because it is precisely that. But unfortunately, it’s the kind of love that instead of signaling the beginning of something amazingly beautiful signals the end of something that might have been amazingly beautiful but will never amount to anything more than it already is. You are mourning the loss of the possible. The only worse feeling is loosing her entirely and that, as you are acutely aware I’m sure, might actually happen if you try and pressure her into giving you more. Ugh. Fortunately there is a cure, or I should say a release from these high expectations and you have already touched on it. The reason you are shy when you first see her after being apart is because you are focusing on the possible — what could be. The reason you eventually relax into the “good pals” mood as you call it, is because your focus changes from the possible to simply forming wonderful memories of being with her. You must allow yourself to believe that these good memories are the jewels of your relationship with her and cherish them, not for what they might develop into “if only”, but for what they actually are. Your love for her is stronger than hers is for you but that doesn’t mean that your love is wrong or even diminished. Your love has immense value even to her. Especially to her. Certainly not because it is gay love but because it is the very best part of you! It’s expression is never something you should be shy about. Learn to accept your relationship with her for what it is on her terms while being glad that you feel the way you do for her on your own terms. Wrap your love for her in the memories of spending time with a dear friend. Have faith that you will cherish these memories for as long as you live. Let that be enough for you and you will be amazed at how much it truly is.
thank you so much for your thoughful words!!very helpful indeed i guess i am always second guessing myself because although ive come out to people she was the first one i was attracted to that i came out to (without telling her how i feel about her of course) so im always nervous that it will "show" that i like her more than a friend and, crazyly enough, sometimes i wish she could tell (dont know why really...i guess my main pain point is that i have hope something might happen when it probably wont) I totally agree with you that i should cherish what is there which is a possibility of a very nice friendship and let go of all expectations
