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Crush on my Best Friend

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by TomSawyer, Oct 16, 2017.

  1. TomSawyer

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Colorado
    Hi, I’m Sawyer, and I’m genderqueer.
    I prefer they/them pronouns.

    I’m someone who has a really hard time trusting people, it takes a long time for me to grow comfortable enough with a person to open up to them, and relationships are virtually impossible. I only have a couple people in my life I feel I can trust and I’ve known them for a long time.

    Part of this is because of my PTSD. Because I was mistreated by someone I trusted in the past, I have a harder time trusting people now. But recently I’ve met an exception.

    Her name is Maya and she’s flat out amazing. I met her within the first week of school. I sat down at the table she was at in my math class, and said “your name is Graham, right?” She said “no, my name is Maya. I’m a trans girl, but I’m not really out yet.”

    We started chatting, and I invited her to hang out with me and my friends at lunch. I don’t actually consider them my friends, but “the people who seem to like me and aren’t dicks that hang out with me who I wouldn’t classify as friends because I really don’t know any of them well and trusting people is hard” was too many words.

    So she sat with us, and again the next day, and again the next day. She’s amazing, and beautiful, and hilarious, and such a nerdy sweetheart. She has depression, and so do I, and it adds to her amazingness in an odd way because she gets it, and it’s easy to talk to her about my mental health.

    After she came out to her parents and it didn’t go well, I started giving her some of my old feminine clothing so she could change into clothes she felt more comfortable in at school. I’ve supported her through a lot, and she’s supported me.

    For the first time since I developed PTSD, I felt completely comfortable around someone pretty much immediately. It’s only been a few months since we met but we already consider each other our best friends.

    Lately, I’ve realized I have a bit of a crush on Maya, but I’m scared. What if I hurt her? What if she hurts me? What if our friendship is hurt? What if she rejects me? What if she doesn’t? What if we date, but break up really quickly? Every time I open up to another person, it seems to kick me in the butt. I’m so scared, but I really care about Maya, and would like to date her.

    Today, I gave her a hug, and I swear, for what felt like a solid minute I considered kissing her on the head. I didn’t.

    I know high school relationships don’t matter in the grand scheme of things, so I shouldn’t be afraid, but I’m afraid that I’m right, that it really won’t matter. I love Maya and I want her in my life for as long as possible. I don’t want a two week fake relationship. I want a real one, that lasts.

    I don’t know what to do. Please advise? Thanks <3