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Crush on best guy friend or comp het?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by flitterpad, May 19, 2019.

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  1. flitterpad

    flitterpad
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    Hey there, so I know my profile says I identify as bisexual but truthfully I've been questioning whether I'm bi or a lesbian with bad compulsory heterosexuality for... over a year now. About two months ago, I came to the conclusion I was a lesbian and I was quite stressed about it because of the whole "lesbians never have happy endings" thing. The very next day, I started thinking I might have a crush on one of my guy friends who I've grown really close to since I started university in February. I know he has a massive crush on me (he's told me several times about how he's never met anyone like me, and that he'd be lucky to date someone "1/16" as gorgeous as I am), but even after weeks of wondering whether i like him I still can't figure it out.
    Sometimes when we're touching or holding hands I really enjoy it, but other times I feel really uncomfortable about the thought of actually dating him. He's so, SO lovely though. We have such a good time together and he makes me feel happy. I really don't want to hurt him.
    Could anyone just list some signs of being able to tell if you have a genuine crush on someone or if its compulsory heterosexuality/fake?
     
    #1 flitterpad, May 19, 2019
  2. canadawet

    canadawet
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    I think the key here is the part where you mentioned that the thought of actually dating him made you uncomfortable. Wanting to hold his hand, enjoying his company, liking him as a person, etc. are all things that we're supposed to feel around friends and which can become misconstrued for attraction. The bottom line of it all is that attraction is supposed to feel good, unambiguous, and make you excited for a potential future with a real person (as opposed to attraction to fictional men or celebrities.)

    Also, whatever you come to decide, the "lesbians never have happy endings" thing isn't true! You have full control over your life, and now more than any time in history you have the opportunity to be happy as a lesbian. Don't let fear stop you from being your authentic self.
     
    #2 canadawet, May 20, 2019
  3. Chip

    Chip
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    So first, I'd toss the "compulsory heterosexuality" idea, as that's more a social/societal construct than anything actually useful in helping you figure out your sexual attractions.

    Then, one of the most accurate ways to identify where your sexual attraction/arousal lies is to look at where your sexual fantasies are when you masturbate. Do you find yourself imagining being more with girls? or with guys? What comes up there is coming more from the unconscious, and thus less likely to be impacted by internalized homophobia (which would be a more accurate term in thinking about how "compulsive heterosexuality" might be affecting you.)

    Another piece of this is other emotional issues going on for you. For a lot of people, the idea of "letting anyone in" emotionally, on a deep level, is scary, and so we (unconsciously) throw up barriers of sorts to keep us from getting too close to anyone. So it is also possible that there's some genuine attraction for your friend... but there's also some fear of the emotional vulnerability that comes with opening up to that.

    Once you have an idea of where your sexual attraction and arousal lies, then you can look more closely at what's going on with your feelings toward your friend, and you may find that it becomes easier for you to figure out when you think about it in the above terms.

    Please continue to share about this as more comes up, and I'm sure you'll get more good input.
     
    #3 Chip, May 20, 2019
  4. Silver Snow

    Silver Snow
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    Maybe you like him as a friend?

    So here’s the thing. People who can’t figure out if they love someone usually end up realizing later that they actually really don’t. If you wanted a sexual/romantic relationship with someone, it would be a subconscious-driven desire. People come to me for relationship advice all the time which is extremely odd because I’ve never been in a relationship. I just listen and help people sort out their feelings. In my experience watching things unfold, no one has ever truly loved someone, just had to figure it out first because they weren’t sure. Whenever they had so much uncertainty, it ended up not being right. I’m not saying you’re not bi, you might be, I’m just saying oh may only like him as a friend, but only you can be sure.
     
    #4 Silver Snow, May 20, 2019
    Drizzle likes this.
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