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Crush on a straight friend

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by dge23, Aug 5, 2016.

  1. dge23

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    Hi. I'm a 16-year-old boy, and I have had sexual feelings for my friend for about two years. We have been friends for about three years now. Back then, we were best friends. We spent the summer of 2013 basically together, seeing each other almost daily, swimming etc. I'm pretty sure I hadn't these feelings for him back then. Actually, it's possible I really hadn't much sexual feelings at all, since I have delayed puberty. Then things changed somewhat. He found other friends and naturally hung out with them, also. Many of those friends are my friends too. But still, I started feelings envious. While we still trusted each other, we didn't hang out as often. I felt like he didn't invite me enough to hang out, and we had many fights about it. We still continued to be close friends, though.

    About a year ago, little less, I think I got depressed. I didn't hang out with my friends practically at all. I felt a strong hate towards the friend I mentioned. I now see it must have been the jealousy; he got along well with his other friends and I felt betrayed. Things stayed like this, we rarely talking, until about a month ago. I asked him if he thought we're still friends. He told me that he does, but that we're not probably very good ones since we don't talk a lot. I agreed, and we had a long chat. I somewhat admitted my jealousy and he told me that he indeed had spent more time with his other friends, ignoring me, without even realizing it. Like I said, it's been about a month and I feel like the "connection" between us is still there. However, I find myself constantly doubting my friend's intentions. I keep overanalyzing why he didn't invite me when he did his other friend etc. I hate feeling like that, but I can't really help it.

    Now, a few days ago, I fully "realized" these feelings for him. I had known all along about how I feel, but it felt so "wrong" so I dismissed the feelings until now. I find myself constantly thinking about him, even fantasizing about him. At the moment, I really hate the idea of being gay. The weird thing is that I don't really have sexual feelings towards other men/boys; it's just him. I'm pretty confused about all this. Now, I did tell my friend I might be gay a few days ago. He took it well, nothing unusual. However, I'm unsure about if I should tell him about my feelings and crush (if that's what I should call it). Logically, there's no point: he's straight and couldn't return my feelings. But however, I keep playing "what if"'s in my head. Again, logically it's not possible, as he's straight and I'm pretty ugly anyways, so it wouldn't be possible. Knowing him pretty well, I think he wouldn't freak out. But then again, things could be weird, even though I would probably find the closure needed to get over the crush. It's really eating me up inside, though -- I've had no appetite lately and it's hard to sleep. But of course, I want to think about my friend's feelings, too. He has supported me during depression, has forgiven me for my stupid actions etc., so I think I would burden him even more. I just keep thinking about the "better times" and feeling nostalgic, so I wouldn't want to make things worse.

    Oh, and sorry for yet another "fallen for my straight friend"-thread. I have read quite a lot of those, and some advise to tell the friend, some to don't. So I thought I'd ask about my situation, as every situation is obviously different.
     
  2. memedank

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    I'm sorry for not being able to help more, since I am in a somewhat similar situation, but when you say that you only like your friend it sounds a little bit like being demisexual, which is where you need a strong emotional connection with someone before you can have sexual feelings for them. I hope that helps at least a little bit :slight_smile:
     
  3. Connorcode

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    Every situation is different! Yours too.

    Firstly, I think your friend is simply taking what friends are available at any given time, and doesn't want to chase old relationships up. He seems happy to rekindle your friendship though!

    As you say, 3 years ago is a while and, naturally, both of you live more complex lives now (that is, complicated by puberty and exams and all sorts of changes). If you want to be his friend, you'll have to get to know him again and see what's changed.

    They say absence makes the heart grow fonder and, from my point of view, the 3 years apart during which you dealt with depression has intensified these feelings for you're friend.

    So here's what I advise: get to know him better, be his friend again and (I think) don't tell him he's your crush, but by all means come out to him. Find more friends to enjoy too!

    Tell me if I can help anymore or clarify :slight_smile:
     
    #3 Connorcode, Aug 5, 2016
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  4. dge23

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    Thank you both for your input! Maybe I won't tell him about him being my crush, at least for now. But I did come out to him — he took it well and I could sense that he was glad I could trust him on this one. However, I feel like I'm hiding something from him by not telling. It doesn't make much senseinterval I picture myself in his shoes, I probably wouldn't want to know. It is just expectionally hard, since I always find myself thinking about him, worrying why he hasn't contacted me and so on. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I had practically no friends until I was 12—13, and now I'm worrying that my friends will leave me. But this particular friend has assured me that he won't leave me, and while I fully believe that, it's my subconsciousness. Sometimes I feel like I wouldn't deserve friends.

    It just also seems so hard to accept that things have changed. I'm somehow idealizing the time we were best friends in my head, and everything reminds me of that time. The places we visited, the things we talked about etc. While we're still good friends (or at least going to be, considering the interval), I feel sad every time something reminds me about "old times".

    And about my sexuality, it's so hard to accept the fact that I might not be straight. I mean, it feels like I already have so much troube going on in my life: I have diabetes and some minor medical issues, probably depression, some tension at home regarding my family etc. I also don't have the most typical teenage boy interests, as I like math, for example. It just feels like there would be enough trouble for me even without this. It feels so hard to "fit in". It might be best not to label myself at least yet, but somehow I feel the need for it. Memedank, I looked into that: it doesn't completely sound like me, though. Thanks still and I wish you luck in your situation.
     
  5. Connorcode

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    Well done for coming out to him! :slight_smile:

    I know where you're coming from about how everything was before. It sucks that everything changes and friendships can weaken - but we can harness that change and make our lives better again and I'm so glad to see that you're committing to doing that.

    Ultimately, it's your choice what to do so good luck again. If you ever need to talk, I'm here: just post on my wall.
     
  6. mvp 447

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    Nothing good will come from a crush on a fully straight guy, really.
     
  7. kingK

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    You and I are sorta in the same boat. Except too add onto my situation he displays super confusing behavior. Don't worry though it happens to everyone pretty much everyone. We're all gonna fall for the wrong person at some point. Unfortunately for gay people that happens to be a straight person a lot of the time.

    If you know in your heart the feeling can't be reciprocated, then it might be necessary to try and move on. And trust me I know it's easier said than done. I've had the biggest crush on my (straight? is he even straight?) friend for the longest time now and it's so hard to get over these feelings. The reality is though is that it's unhealthy to focus on one person who can't feel the same about you. I can relate to that so much.

    If at some point you decide to tell him, just make sure to plan out what you say. My confession was a total mess. He sounds like a great guy though. 3 years is a long time. It seems like you two have endured so much together. I'm don't know him but I'm sure it'll work out. Stay smiling!

    And if you ever need to someone to talk to feel free to message me and we can complain about boys together. Lol
     
  8. dge23

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    Thanks again. I've been thinking about this a lot lately, again. I've tried to weigh the pros and cons, but I'm still pretty unsure. Right now I feel like I'm in the "hate"-phase again. I keep thinking about past actions and doubting his intentions even more. He has kind of a "group" with his other friends -- it's been like that for maybe two years. I remember he started to spend more time with the group and they rarely invited me. I was always the one who asked if I could join them. Sometimes it was ok, but sometimes it wasn't as someone from the group rejected it. Fed up with always asking them and "begging" them if I could join, I stopped it altogether. The few times I spent with the group, I felt quite disconnected. There are a few girls in the group and I somehow sensed they didn't like me as I'm pretty ugly and I think they think I'm some sort of a "weirdo".

    Now, a month ago when my friend and I had the "chat", I told him about this. He told me that at some point, he realized he didn't invite me to hang out enough and tried to change it. But as I couldn't really fit in with the group, it didn't work well. I understood it then, but now I'm just wondering how can one just "forget" to invite someone who was his best friend not long time ago. The more I think about it, the more I keep thinking that he just chose the group over me. He has told me he cares about me a few times, but after realizing this I feel like I can't believe that. It's probably no use to dwell in the past, but I can't keep this out of my mind. I'm by no means a violent person, but right now I feel like I just could punch him. I couldn't really do it, though -- I just feel quite betrayed.

    I hadn't hung out with anyone for a year until last month. Now I'm trying to get "back on track", so I must try to hang out with the group again. I'm just afraid that it won't work. My friend told me he would still hang out with me, but I think he would just choose the group over me again and it wouldn't work. I've seen my friend with another friend a few times recently, without the group. It just hurt me when they made plans with each other over me. I asked them if I could join them and it was ok, but I just kept thinking about the worst. Subconsciously I thought that my friend didn't even really want to be friends with me, let alone hang out with me. That he just didn't want to make me feel bad by saying I wasn't welcome. I guess it's natural that he at first "forgets" my presence when making plans, considering I hadn't seen him outside school for a year, but I always assume the worst.

    I think all this must have something to do with my crush. Maybe I want him all to myself without realizing he has other friends, too. The jealousy seems to be a big problem. Me telling him about the crush could "clear the air" and make him understand me better, but on the other hand, I'm not sure if it would be wise to reveal this at least yet since it's been only a month since we "reunited". Not telling him is the safe choice, but I do realize that keeping this in could just keep the tension rising and kind of causing the distance between us to grow. But if I would tell him, I would plan it well, like kingK suggested -- I'm good at planning, lol. I could talk to him about other things I mentioned in this message, but we've already discussed most of these things -- and I don't want to constantly doubt his intentions. I do want to believe him, but there's this "what if" in my head always.

    Sorry about the long message :grin: You may not be able to help much, but it helps me a little just to vent.
     
    #8 dge23, Aug 7, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2016
  9. kingK

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    Sounds to me like those people are no good for you. They may not be bad people necessarily but if you feel excluded or as if you do not belong then no need to associate yourself with them. It probably has nothing to do with you but not everyone clicks. Everyone is different. You'll find people who are like you and you'll find people who you feel comfortable around. Don't force yourself in somewhere where you feel that isn't the case. You're in highschool correct? There's plenty of time in life to find those people. That's something I had to realize as well. I've gained and lost a lot of friends and I'd always put the weight on myself. Truth of the matter is that people who want to stay in your life will and those who don't will not. It's all part of growing up.

    This obviously doesn't mean distance yourself from your friend. That's different. He said he cares about you and I'm hoping he will dig from within the goodness of his heart to realize how much he matters to you. I can't answer what's going through his mind when it concerns you but based on what you've said it seems like he does genuinenly want to be your friend. Don't let your mind jump to conclusions.

    Don't let the jealously consume you. That's inevitable when your crush surrounds himself with other people besides you. For now, just continue to make the effort. Don't over do it though. If he seems to be distancing himself from you don't let it overtake you. You're much stronger than that.

    His intentions with you are a bit fuzzy and unclear but hopefully they are good intentions. Hopefully, he'll do the right thing and give you the attention and time together that you truly deserve. If not, he's a dick. And hey that might sting for a while but if he ends up showing he doesn't care you'll be satisfied in the end by knowing that someone like him can't treat you negatively any longer. Think of the bigger picture

    Let's both hope for him choosing to do the right thing though. I wish you the absolute best! Remember to stay smiling!
     
    #9 kingK, Aug 7, 2016
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  10. Goldensun

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    Hi dge23,

    It's tough being the age you are with all the things family and friends and school and society demand of someone your age. And on top of that, you've got the whole uncertainty of who you are sexually. It's at times like this that you need at least one good friend who you can trust and be open and honest with. But you've got a crush on that person. So many gay/bisexual guys have been through this and it hurts so much.
    But you're doing the right thing: looking for advice and support, and you've come out to him (and that's a very brave thing to do, so well done), but your feelings for him are still eating away at you. And I've been through enough crushes on straight friends to really appreciate how hard it is to move on from it - the sleepless nights and not eating, or binge eating, the guilt and the love and the fantasies, the thoughts turning over and over in my head. It might help if you can distract yourself in some way - with sport or something just to give yourself a break from the cycle. And try not to isolate yourself, it only makes everything worse. I don't know how you can go out and find new friends, it's not easy, but cutting yourself off from the world only makes it worse. Be kind to yourself and also take care of yourself - that's the most important thing to remember.
     
  11. dge23

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    Thanks for the answers, again. Perhaps I was a "bit" :slight_smile:D) angered when I wrote the last message. However, the basic principles are true. I don't know the girls in the group very well, so it just could be my mind jumping to conclusions. I'll see how it goes. I just started high school a few days ago – well, not sure what I should call it, but I think the closest translation is high school. Finding friends has always been difficult for me as I'm very awkward socially, thus people probably view me as pretty stupid when they first meet me. And like I said, my interests are pretty atypical. I don't have much in common with my friends in terms of hobbies etc., but somehow it has still worked. Right now I'm often thinking about my situation, what my friends have said (particularly the one I have the crush on) etc. I've realized it doesn't help no matter how much I analyze the words, so I'm trying to stop and just see how it goes. Hopefully high school will provide me as some distraction. But I've learned my lesson regarding isolating myself – it doesn't help and luckily I was forgiven about it by my friends. I'll keep you updated if I have time and won't forget.
     
  12. dge23

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    Hi again. I don't have time for a long post, so I'll keep this short. Well, I've been in high school for a little over a month for now. It has been relatively easy, but it has provided me as some kind of distraction. Still, I find myself thinking about my friend quite often. We're good friends again (as confirmed by him, too). However, I'm considering telling him about my crush. Logically it may not be the best thing to do, but I think that someone else knowing about it would help with me thinking about it all the time. I can say pretty surely that he wouldn't "freak out", but I'm not sure if things would be the same after it. I couldn't cope with losing him, but I don't know if holding this in and the jealousy etc. related to it will do our friendship any good. On the other hand, it would be a pretty selfish thing to do -- it's probably inevitable that he would feel uncomfortable. Right now I just feel miserable when I hear that he has hung out with someone else. It's childish. I just start thinking why I wasn't invited: maybe I'm a bad friend, maybe he doesn't like me as a friend etc. It can take me a pretty long time to get out of the negative thinking.
     
  13. WhiteShadows

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    Well done for coming to terms with your feelings. I understand how confusing it is!

    Well, it's up to you if you want to tell him your feelings or not.

    Personally, from my experience it's always best to tell them. Even if you know that the person is straight, it gives you a 100% clear answer. You can even just explain why you're telling him, like ¨I thinki I already know you can't return these feelings, but I wanted to tell you to get it off my chest, I still want your friendship¨ etc.
     
  14. dge23

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    Hi, and thanks for the answer, WhiteShadows :slight_smile:

    I told him yesterday. I was constantly bothered by the subject, so I thought I would finally tell him. Luckily it went well. He told me that he understands but that he's straight, which I know. It was a bit uncomfortable for him, like I expected, but he wasn't overwhelmed by it. I haven't seen him in person yet after that since we have exam week and in different groups, but I could imagine it maybe being slightly uncomfortable at first but hopefully not for too long. I told him over chat as I thought it would be less "intense" for him that way instead of telling him in person. Also I skipped the "details" to lessen the intensity, I won't go to them unless he asks about it. I'm glad I got it off my mind as I've been wondering about it for a few years, but I do feel a little ashamed about having told him. I'm still coping with the jealousy, though -- but it has lessened a bit since I've observed that he doesn't always ask that one friend of him to hang out: he just doesn't always invite everyone (which makes sense when thought about rationally). In conclusion, I'm so happy he didn't "freak out", but rather still wants to be friends with me.
     
  15. WhiteShadows

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    Well done for telling him!

    I bet it feels better now. It's great he took it well, he must be a good friend.
     
  16. dge23

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    It sure went well for a while... I had a chat with him lately and at one point he told me he rather hangs out with his other friends as he has more in common with them, and rather hangs out with me in group settings. I don't know why I take this so seriously, however. He also said it doesn't make me a less good friend, but that doesn't make sense to me. If he rather hangs out with his other friends, they must be better friends for him. Honestly though, I'd rather let the friendship go as it's causing trouble for us both, disappointment for me and apparently we're not as close friends as I thought. However, I couldn't stand losing him, so I have no idea what to do.
     
  17. WhiteShadows

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    Just give him some time, he might just need to process the whole thing. But if he continues to avoid you, then he isn't really a friend worth having any more.
     
  18. dge23

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    Thanks, WhiteShadows. A bit of a status update again. I've been a complete mess lately. Like I said, in the message he told me that he has more in common with his other friends and enjoys more hanging out with them, and that he wants to hang out with me but rather in group settings. I've been literally constantly thinking about that since he said that and as stupid as it is, I've even cried about it almost daily. It's just so sad that no-one probably really enjoys my company. Apparently he thinks I'm making too big of a deal about it as he says that I'm an as good friend to him as his other friends. But it just seems to be so that I'm in a dead-end: the current situation is causing me a great deal of emotional stress and swinging emotions, from being happy to doubting his every intention. On the other hand, I don't think I'd survive losing him. At some point I would get over him surely, but it would take an unreasonable amount of time. Also it's impossible not to see him as we go to the same school. I just saw he tagged his friend in Facebook to a "tag your best friend..." - titled video. I know we're not best friends and never will be, but the thought of him having "replaced" me makes me think it was all worthless. On the other hand, I don't really understand group dynamics. If I interpret it correctly, me and his two other friends are probably his closest friends (not sure of me, though). These two are the ones he "rather" hangs out with. However, according to him he doesn't tend to tell "secrets" or more personal things to them and rather shares them with me. Thus I'm not sure if he has a "best friend" — maybe he has different friends for different "uses". I know this all sounds very abnormal. I wouldn't be surprised if I had a mental disorder. I'm also aware that my behavior will surely eventually drive my friends away, but I find it really hard to feel neutral around him.
     
  19. WhiteShadows

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    It wasn't all worthless. There is always value in a friendship, even if in the future you drift away from each other.

    I'm sorry you're going through pain. It might be best to just get some space, and let him control how often you see each other. I know that's really hard when you're constantly thinking about him (I'm in a similar situation with a guy right now...).

    But in the meantime try and get yourself out there and hang out with other friends or meet new friends. I should listen to my own advice too...

    Good luck, I hope you feel better soon.