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Crossroads at age 26.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Confused25, Jul 7, 2020.

  1. Confused25

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    Hi, posted here looking for advice but tbh its never really works i leave here ending up more confused, i need some clarity. The issue around my sexuality has plagued my whole life, its like a block mentally as in the things i should be doing like enjoying stuff and pursuing goals these stuff have taking a back seat and i am stuck on a loop of depression, anxiety and just total negativity. The doubt, denial, fear whatever it may be is holding me back. Also i am afraid to be vulnerable as i feel i am holding back and wish i could tell her that i think i am gay and it wont go away. But i can never tell her this. Please if anybody can offer advice. This is heartbreaking i read posters like @SiennaFire and @HereWeGo and it makes me worried as i dont want to be in that position in the future. I hate this its so shit. Please if anyone can talk to me and try sift through my issues maybe even step by step.
     
  2. OnTheHighway

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    What is holding many people back from being able to embrace their truth is often times "Shame". Embedded shame based on your exposure to a heteronormative script the projects messages based on a heterosexual culture between a man and a woman. The shame grows inside of us as we are constantly bombarded with the messages that a man should only be with a woman and vice versa. This script is a construct developed through socialization and is not based on scientific or natural fact but methodologies for people to control one another.

    The messages are everywhere. On television, in movies, in books, reflected in our upbringing by our parents, communicated by our "friends" or acquaintances, taught in schools, expressed in religious doctrine. With all the messaging focusing on how we are supposed to live our lives as expressed by others, it is no wonder that it becomes difficult to live our lives based on our own truths. Bullying, family descent, written law and religious dogma are all enacted to ensure people stay obedient to the heteronormative script.

    In order to fully embrace whom we are, we need to break the shackles of shame and realize the heteronormative script does not apply and is a socialized/learned construct. Finding closure and learning to manage the shame is critical to living authentically. As part of finding closure and managing the shame it's important to work on building self respect, self worth, self esteem and love whom we are. To build confidence, we do need to make ourselves vulnerable, open up to others and take risks. I know this all sounds overwhelming and a bit scary, but the objective is to live your life authentically, so isn't the risk worth it?

    Here are some posts that you might be interested in reading that will give you some further insight into shame, internalized homophobia, vulnerability and closure (but there are many more you can search for):

    https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php?threads/continuing-to-deal-with-underlying-shame.474505/

    https://forum.emptyclosets.com/inde...-internalized-homophobia.453766/#post-6452940

    https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php?threads/lgbt-shame.428808/
     
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  3. Confused25

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    Hi @OnTheHighway i appreciate you taking the time to respond to my post. I understand what you are saying but do i just try and be the most authentic version of myself. I assumed i was until this... it has thrown my world upside down and find it impossible to accept. I just dont know what my next move is
     
  4. OnTheHighway

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    Self actualization is a process, it is a journey, it does not come automatically but with requires proactive conviction. I replied because something you said caught me:

    I strongly believe our ability to pursue our goals and aspirations is directly tied to overcoming our personal challenges and thereafter living our truth. I believe this because I personally experienced the satisfaction of achieving several life goals as a result of my own journey towards self actualization, and today I am in the midst of pursuing yet another life objective. I had always wanted to learn another language. I also had a passion to achieve accreditation in a specific technical skill. I had to go back to school to accomplish both. Both goals I struggled to accomplish over the course of my life despite numerous prior efforts. Today, after having gone back to school for each, later in life, I was able to focus and achieved those goals. And in the past few months I embarked on my next life objective when I established a new business venture. While the new venture is early days, and I am doing it in the midst of the current pandemic crisis the world is confronted with, I am confident I will accomplish this goal just the same as the other life goals.

    To pursue your goals, you need to be able to focus on them with minimal distraction. If you are not fully living your truth you may have an abundance of distractions which may impede your ability to achieve your goals. By building self respect, confidence, esteem and worth, you can build the strength and fortitude to accomplish your goals. Shame may be currently impeding your personal development, overcoming it has a profound positive impact on other parts of your life above and beyond fully embracing your sexuality.

    At the same time, life is a continuing journey. I am not sure we ever truly relieve all of the shame, but we spend the time diligiently rising above it living our truth. Living your life as authentically as possible is an admirable objective. If you truly want to do so, I believe its important you have established the right emotional, intellectual and sexual foundation from which to do it. The work is hard. Making ourselves vulnerable, finding closure, building personal confidence requires taking risks, takes time and exposes ourselves to our true selves. Looking in the mirror and seeing ourselves for whom we truly are is not easy for many; shame makes it hard and complicated.

    You want to live your truth, you want to achieve your goals? You have reflected that in your post and I am confident it reflects how you really feel. Embark on the journey to get you where you need to go. Do the hard work. As you progress you will see the positive impact it has on your life. But only you can decide if you are truly willing to embark on the journey.
     
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  5. Contented

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    OTW what frank, lucid and wonderful perspective on living life to the fullest. Bravo, well said.
     
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  6. Confused25

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    I dont know what to say my heart hurts, i told my girlfriend of 3 years but i think i am gay but yet not desiring men. This is the hardest thing i done i feel better for saying it to her but also cant contemplate it all right now i have robbed her of a future with me, and she is relying on me to just be grand but i just want to make sure that i am not lying to myself and her. She doesnt understand this. Im in limbo now i dont know what to do i told her i need to find out because its eating me alive and yet shes looking for answers. Please anybody
     
  7. Confused25

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    She thinks that i have never loved her and that if i did i would of let her go years ago. I need time to myself and yet most of us going through this return to status quo but it doesnt fix anything. I want to tell her that its ok and that i want to be with her. She thinks if your not sure then that says it all
     
  8. OnTheHighway

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    Take a pause in your relationship? Explain you need to sort things out. How can you worry about someone else if you have not gotten yourself figured out? Your girlfriend is probably much stronger than you think and she should be able to get on with life, especially if you already insinuated you may be gay.
     
  9. Confused25

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    Hi @OnTheHighway this is quite difficult its like this thing in my mind that wont go away. I have no desire to be with a man but the doubt of am i gay is still there
     
  10. OnTheHighway

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    What makes your think your gay?
     
  11. Ram90

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    When you are confused about what are you and where you stand, you obviously can't be in a position to offer someone else answers. So, I totally understand when you say that you don't know what to tell yourself and your girlfriend. OnTheHighway made some excellent points. I just want to add to it by saying that you should probably explore (maybe you can) the possibility of telling your girlfriend that you need a break and that probably time spent apart would do both of you some good? I think you should concentrate on yourself for now. That's my two cents anyway. Sorry, if it isn't of much help.
     
  12. Confused25

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    I know you are probably right with the time apart. So confusing to tell her that i dont desire men but yet still think im gay. The thoughts are quite hard to deal with. Now i am googling can you be gay without desiring men. God.
     
  13. OnTheHighway

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    I have seen other members with similar challenges as you. Thinking they are gay without desiring men. I often wondered if the shame was so strong that it repressed their actual desire for men even though they felt in their heart they were gay. That said, I have also seen others that have had compulsive issues which made them think they were gay without having been intimate or physical with another guy. Some of the moderators, administrators and staff members on EC have often suggested to people to reflect on what they think about when they are masturbating (without watching porn) as a guide to help the determine their sexuality. Others have suggested to go out and meet a guy to be physical with to see if you like it.

    What I do know for sure is if you do not find resolution one way or another, the prospects increase that you take a path in life similar to many later in lifers here on EC. Increasing the odds where you push your sexuality down, built an emotional wall, and live according to the heteronormative script only to later find that your true self can no longer be contained. And when you can no longer contain your true self, it comes up in a rage of fury and can do incredible harm to yourself and those you love.

    I am a proponent of getting to the core root as to why we feel the way we do, what drives our emotions, and working through them. Then using a repaired self foundation as a path towards self actualization. But there is no one checklist to follow, no one path a person can take as each persons journey will be unique to them. That said, one way or another, you need to find closure to what your experiencing.
     
  14. Contented

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    OTW’s comments are so true. I am a prime example of for years trying to live as heteronormal life as possible only to reach a point I could no longer take it. The realization that I had been gay all along hit me like a tidal wave. The urge to free myself to embrace my gayness became overwhelming.It would unfair to both you and your current girlfriend to continue in a relationship without a complete self examination of your sexual preference. I urge you to take your time and honestly evaluate your feelings before complicating your life even more. The longer it takes to make a break the more damage you leave in its aftermath.
     
    #14 Contented, Jul 8, 2020
    Last edited: Jul 8, 2020
  15. SiennaFire

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    Hey Confused25,

    Why do you think that you are gay?

    Best,
    SF
     
  16. Confused25

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    Im just so focused on this issue SF.
    I worry that i just picked girls to be attracted to when i was younger and just stuck with it. Im doing so much introspection about stuff that i cant change but just analyse constantly like i slept with 8 girls before the gf currently but never had a relationship, i pursued girls and still question if i was having sex with girls just for the sake of it. I am so confused with my mental state. I have a nice thought about my girlfriend then later the same day or whatever i have horrible thought like i cant get out of my head. Literally bent over last night got an intrusive thought and started talking out loud telling my brain to fuck off. This is crippling me. I have also broke down to gf telling her i keep thinking im gay and yet when she is crying and devasted my mind is saying you need to go out and explore and figure stuff out. And yet i dont want to and am not that bothered going to try it with a guy. Its very hard this. Also if i accept every thought there is a fear that the attractions to men are going to get stronger . My mind says the attractions to the both the new one to men is exactly the same as with girls. Because when i am out i do get thoughts looking at men being like id fuck him it is the exact same as my attractions with girls. Its so depressing im sorry i know im so all over the place. On a side note, everything in relationship is fine as far as sex and stuff is maybe just day to day can get boring but love sex and everything else cuddling and kissing her face and stuff
     
  17. OnTheHighway

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    Have you spend any time with a therapist? If not, have you considered it?
     
  18. Confused25

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    Hi i went to a therapist who thought i was struggling with thoughts. Also went to an LGBT therapist who thinks that i am possibly homosexual leaning bi. But he said you need to try be with a man even though i dont want to.
     
  19. SiennaFire

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    When I was younger (and before I was out to myself), I tended to notice guys much more than women. Based on what you wrote here, it sounds like you are attracted to both men and women. Is that correct? Have you tried Chip's fantasy/masturbation experiment?
     
    #19 SiennaFire, Jul 11, 2020
    Last edited: Jul 11, 2020
  20. Confused25

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    its not lust looking at men. I have i have tried it and with men its more forceful, watching porn aswell i look at gayporn and its like that could be me. I kind of have to keep forcing myself to get aroused like for a while like but then it is strong arousal. I just think i am in denial. Look up pictures of naked men look for a good couple of minutes to see if i can get arousal then just close the tab .