Mmmh so, I've only very recently come to terms with the fact that I am most likely trans. I'm constantly looking for validation in all the places that I can find it. It seemed like there's two sides of my brain at constant conflict with each other. The side that desperately wants to be cis and the side that knows I could only be happy living as a man. I'm thinking this over constantly and it's really taxing, each side provides evidence for its point and I don't know what to make of it. Sometimes I don't feel trans enough because of stupid shit, all the while knowing that I hate the thought of being and living as a woman intensely. I've kinda made a list of reasons I think I may or may not be trans and I would like some input. At this point any amount of doubt, cynicism, or reassurance would be welcome, as it would help me reach the correct conclusion faster. And I'm sorry if some stuff on this list makes assumptions or is offensive, it is my experience alone and not meant to invalidate or discriminate on the basis of gender or gender expression. Sorry for how long this is... Reasons I believe I am not trans: When I was little I liked unicorns. I like both men and women. My body dysphoria isn't as intense as it could be. Female pronouns only disturb me a little. I didn't start questioning until I was 16. I was kinda ok with female clothing on some occasions. My father wanted a son, so maybe I unconsciously acted like a boy to receive his approval. (< THIS IS THE BIG ONE. MY MAIN REASON FOR DOUBT) I haven't been extremely depressed in the past. (Maybe a little... Always felt dissatisfied) I'm to sure how much I'd be willing to transition. I have mostly female (but Tom boyish) friends now. I like art more than cars and sports. I don't want to be "hyper-masculine" (although I would prefer it to being hyper feminine...) I am afraid of surgery. I have difficulty understanding my own emotions which creates a lot of self doubt and confusion about whether or not I am experiencing dysphoria or something else. I'm a pretty cheerful and expressive person. This is appearently feminine. When I first came out to my brother and sister I felt only fear and crippling anxiety afterwards because the fact that I was trans was no longer a problem I only entertained in my head. There were some moments where I was kinda ok with being a girl... I liked littlest pet shop... I didn't know binding was a thing or an option until only a few months ago. I didn't know what being trans was about until only a year or two ago. I vehemently denied being trans when first asked about it a year ago. I'm afraid of committing myself and regretting it later because I might be wrong... I'm kinda sometimes ok talking about my body, as long as the conversation is on my own terms. Maybe I hate being a woman for reasons other than being trans? I've been so focused on my career I haven't thought much of gender, except in the situations when it comes up, and when I'm not occupied. I enjoy being alive/I don't want to kill myself. I have art and I live for that. I am afraid to confront others about my gender identity, and subsequently force them to call me the right pronouns. I am not prepared for the mental anguish that comes with physical and social transition. I am meek... Reasons I believe I am trans: The thought of being seen as female makes me intensely uncomfortable. I've always hated having boobs. A lot. I haven't been able to go swimming in years because I can't stand people looking at my exposed body. I can't stand going to the doctor out of fear of them looking at my exposed body and asking questions about sex. (When I was young I would hit doctors and run away from them for this reason) I hate shaving and want a beard. Off handed remarks and even compliments about my femininity make me feel like I'm being stabbed. I always perferred dinosaurs, fishing and wrestling to barbies and play-house. I hated girls toys so intensely I would break them. I refused to wear dresses about 70% of the time when I was young. I couldn't understand why girls didn't like to rough house. I once starved myself for a month because I didn't want boobs or an ass. I get extremely depressed and self loathing when on my period. To the point I will be unable to work and might even try to sabotage relationships with people out of a lack of self worth and plain self hatred. It was distressful to type out the word period. I empathize with male characters better. I've always thought of women as "strange and other". (In a non-offensive way, I just didn't think typically femininely) I played with both genders but mostly guys when I was younger. Recieving typically female gifts makes me incredibly dysphoric. The few times I have been called he I felt fantastic. When I'm alone in a clothing store I sneak into the men's section and try on the clothes. I can't get excited about shopping for clothes unless its for exclusivly men's clothing. The shorter my hair the more comfortable I am. I don't think I will ever be comfortable in a relationship if my partner sees me as female. I tried to join the Boy Scouts. I hated the Girl Scouts. The thought of PIV makes me sick to the stomach with dysphoria despite the fact that I am attracted to men... (Mostly women though, I primarily like women) I was sex repulsed for a very long time. The thought that people expect me to be "the girl" in a sexual situation makes my skin crawl. My family and friends suspected I was trans before I did. Every now and then just out of the blue, even at a younger age, I would break down and cry at the fact that I was not a man. I tried to convince myself that reincarnation was a thing that way I could be a man in another life and would only have to suffer for a life time. I have been intensely envious of other trans men I've met, for how sure and confident they are. I have severe dermatillomania, which I hear is sometimes a symptom of gender dysphoria, and basically means I try to tear my skin off, uncontrollably. I have to file my nails down to nubs or tape them over or I will hurt myself... I cry uncontrollably sometimes at normal comments about female medical/puberty related stuff. I have had nightmares about being pregnant in which I kill myself. If I was ever pregnant irl I would probably kill myself. When I was 13 I decided I eventually wanted a hysterectomy. I'm not sure if I still feel this way, maybe if I wasn't so afraid of surgery. When I was 14 I had a thought that I wanted breast cancer just to get rid of my boobs. I obviously don't want cancer, I just don't want boobs. Even when I was young I would occasionally stubble across some story or comic about being ftm and cry uncontrollably and for reasons I could not understand. My sister says that she feels comfortable and empowered as a women, and that she desires to have as feminine as possible a body. I do not feel this way. When I was younger I constantly wondered why I hated my body and the thought of showing it to others so much. I always wear thick baggy clothing to hide my body. No matter the weather. I wish I was born a guy. If I woke up a guy tomorrow I would jump and cry for joy. Picturing myself as female in the future makes me depressed. In attempts to ignore the distress my gender caused me when I was younger I would tell myself that the only thing about me that mattered was what I created and how I acted and helped others. For this reason I was able to put off questioning for a while. I grew up in a very gender neutral household, I acted a lot like a boy and was treated like one and not forced into a female role, so I didn't really feel much discomfort then... The thought of being trans scares the shit out of me, I don't know where to go from here... Any input or other stories about how you guys might have figured out you were trans would be appreciated.
I can relate to most of these, and I've also begun questioning whether I'm trans or genderfluid. I have no helpful advice, but I want you to know you'll get through this. Hopefully I will, too. Good luck.
Your fears are normal and totally valid! Your concerns echo with a lot of trans people, which is understandable. With your fears and doubts, I hope this helps in some way. A lot of the things you're worried about don't intersect with your gender identity or have anything to do with you being trans; nor do they make you less than. A lot of your concerns, though common, are often rooted in stereotypes; that boys can only like trucks and rough housing and girls can only like dolls and playing dressup--which is pretty silly and outdated anymore to me. So this would go for; 1) Your hobbies and interests 2) How female pronouns or your dysphoria don't bother you much 3) How you didn't know until your teens (which is very common and a lot of people don't click with the "I always knew" narrative) 4) Who you're attracted to 5) Not being depressed as a kid 6) Having personality traits that people think are "feminine" 7) Being afraid of surgery (most people are!) 8) Who your friends are 9) Not being hyper masculine And so on and so forth. They don't have any effect on you being trans. There are trans women who hated being forced in a rigid box of masculinity growing up, some love it, and some don't care--and this applies to trans men and non-binary people too. This is all coming from someone who has "feminine" personality traits; being shy, highly sensitive, and fairly soft spoken. There are plenty of cis men who would say you described them perfectly, so you're not alone at all. Hell, look at me. I'm this pansexual goofball still sleep with a bed full of stuffed animals and I can't sleep comfortably without one of my bears, I'm turned off by hypermasculinity, and I get very passionate and emotional about cartoons and cat videos. I'm still a guy, and nobody can tell me I'm not. Another thing is that many people don't know about trans issues or that there is a word for what they're feeling. There are so many trans people who are in their 60s who didn't know there was this huge community of people like them. So don't feel bad or be hard on yourself for not knowing about things like binding or anything like that. I know it's not like being gay where it's just everywhere, and with us, it's just starting to become heavily talked about. Also, vehemently denying your identity, to me, is a common thing within the LGBTQ community. I remember my cousins telling me at one point as a kid that I was trans in the way they could describe it which was "a boy trapped in a girl's body" and I was very offended by it and lashed out at them--even though it was something I was well aware of. So being in a state of denial of sorts isn't unheard of. As far as mental health things go, it's a misconception that trans people hate themselves or are struggle with things like depression and anxiety. While it's true a lot of us do, myself included, there's a ton of trans people who will tell you the never had feelings of self-hate and have been the type to love on themselves. While it's important that we acknowledge how truly morbid and heartbreaking our statistics are, they don't paint us as a whole perfectly. I feel like I've been rambling, but to bring this to a close, I'll say this. While at the end of the day, only you can say for yourself if you're trans--here's something that I'd ask to steer you in the right direction. And it's just this one thing; which is how do you see yourself? How do you view yourself as a person? All your fears and doubts aside, in this moment, how do you see yourself? A lot of others on here have said it simply as if you identify as a boy, then you are one. If you identify as a girl or non-binary, then that's who you are. You don't need to pursue HRT or surgery to be something you already are--if that's what makes you comfortable. Figuring out who you are can be a huge pain in the ass, and if you still find yourself struggling, give yourself time to do soul searching. Transitioning shouldn't be a race, especially if you feel it's right for you. Take your time to figure things out if your path is hazy and uncertain. Before I close this out, I want to give one last piece of advice. Whatever you do, follow your heart. Don't conform to bullshit standards society has put into place about how to be a man, woman, or person. As long as you aren't hurting other people and living as authentically as possible; then go do what you can to ensure it will bring you happiness. Life is too short to live in fear or put yourself in a box because you don't think you can have those characteristics to be a man, woman, or person. I find that so many people in the transmasculine community have this problem where they think if they don't like slamming back beers, watching sports, or hitting the gym that they aren't a "real guy", which is total bullshit and it's a shame that people reinforce that kind of nonsense. Be yourself. Live authentically.
@daydreamer1 Thank you for saying all that really. I know what you say is true, I've know all that for a while, but it still hasn't stopped me from doubting myself. It's good to know someone else has similar experiences. And in terms of my mental health I know not all trans people are depressed but on occasions often in the past I know I have felt depressed for short periods of time, but never very long. Regardless I know what it feels like and it's shit. And lately I've been extremely depressed. Half because of stress and questioning, half because of dysphoria, my mental health has taken a great big fucking nose dive, and I can hardly get out of bed in the morning. All I want to do is sleep, but I cant fall asleep. I feel tired all the time and it's becoming harder and harder to foucs on the things I love. Whenever someone calls my name I am overcome with fear that they've "found out" or something and they're gonna call me out and kick me out of my home or their life. I have to force myself to shower. I always eat too much or too little. I feel like I have no one to talk to and I feel so, so alone. Unloveable. part of me just wants to curl up and die. I keep dissasociating, like I'm talking and moving and interacting but thinking and feeling something else entirely in my head. Like I'm on auto-pilot. It's not fun. I don't want to be depressed, I don't want to blame my encroaching depression on being trans, and I'm afraid it's only going to get worse. I am afraid of mental illness, I've seen what it does to people and I don't want to end up like that. It's difficult figuring out for sure which route will ensure me the most happiness and mental stability. Is the painful transition worth it? The temporary stress and fear. Or is it just easier to stick with the dysphoria... I don't know which route will cause me more or less pain, but the "just deal with the dysphoria" route doesn't seem viable anymore... ---------- Post added 17th Jan 2017 at 01:28 AM ---------- Another thing, about the mental health. I feel like there's been a lot of pressure on me to be the "strong" one. All my friends have had it worse then me. Anxiety, OCD, depression, abusive households, agoraphobia. I've been the one that they vent to. I've never told them about my own state of health, I felt like I didn't have the right to. That complaining would make me petty, weak, unworthy. I complained about the small things, but never the really heavy stuff, I didn't want to burden them with my problems and I knew that they relied on me to be there. I am still uncomfortable telling even my best friends my problems, especially the ones who have it worse and don't say anything. I often ignore my feelings of dysphoria and depression and dismiss them because I don't have "the right" to them. I always seem to use books, and TV, and video games, and art as a form of escapism, since thinking about my life and emotions has never, ever, been a pleasant experience for me. There are times when I am really truly happy, but it seems like these moments are few and far between and that the time between them is filled with sadness and just plain numb. Mostly numb.
It sounds like you really need some help with the emotional issues first. :c Transition does not fix core shame. Hang in there...
