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Creating a new vision for my life

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by baristajedi, Jan 26, 2019.

  1. baristajedi

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    hi there friends :slight_smile:

    I updated last time that I’m in a really good place in my life. That I have found a sense of fulfilment and rightness in my path that I’ve never felt before. That has opened up a bit if space to think more about personal growth and where my life is going from here... well I should qualify that by saying, I don’t have *quite* as much mentsl space as I want because lately things have been a little busy, just life stuff that is very specific and will calm down soon.

    But, overall I have this really incredible balance of parenting, me time, time for dating, time with friends, time running my queer group and meeting up with other group things I organise, and work time which is wonderful for me because I love love my job (and I work in the queer community, so there’s a huge level of satisfaction and growth in my job as well)...

    Anyway, I’ve been dating this woman... I mentioned her here before. She’s pretty incredible and we’re both really aware and supportive of each other’s individual needs to grow and heal and focus in ourselves...we’re not exclusive, though neither of us is really dating anyone else; we have just decided the freedom is crucial for us. I had some conversations with her recently that had me thinking a lot about some things...

    I was telling her I’m at a place in my life where, I realise that I am coming to terms with the fact that the vision I have always had for my life in terms of love will never really be a reality. Let me preface this by saying, this isn’t a sad post, I’m quite happy. I’m actually thinking that I want to let this go, and rewrite my vision for the future.

    Basically, the vision I had, was one where I meet a partner much earlier in life, we grow and learn together, we grow old together, we’re in love always (my grandparents were very much like this), and sweet and romantic even if we’ve been through lots of strain and difficulties together.

    I always envisioned this life... and for years I felt empty in relationships because something was always deeply missing. Now I’ve reconciled that becausebive come out, I left my husband, and I am now living truly to myself.

    And then I met my ex girlfriend, as I think part of why I rushed in so fast with her was that I was still imagining that vision, still reaching for it, and thinking we could have at least something close to it together.


    But now that we’ve broken up, I realise I don’t want to have a life partner in my life for a long long time.

    And so where does it leave that vision? Something about giving that vision up is sad. But there also another sense of something like.... liberation?

    When I was talking to my girl (let’s iust call her that since we have really no label for each other!) I realised you know I have the balance if every single need if mine being met, as a parent, as an individual, as a sexual person, my mental needs, my physical needs, I’m feeling really good in every area of my life. For the first time I feel full and whole.... I certainly did not feel this way with my ex girlfriend for instance, but I feel this way now, and it makes me think, it’s like maybe I need to throw away all the “rules” and rewrite everything, not based on something that’s supposed to be beautiful and happy, but finding something through my own loved experience that feels right and natural for me.

    I think it also really drives home the message that I have a long way to go in terms of identifying all my needs for the long term, because part of my happiness right now comes from not having a set plan for the future, but instead discovering and learning and growing. But there something really freeing in this total shedding of all the expectations of what I thought my life was supposed to be. I’m a divorced gay single mum, pretty much making up all of the stability we have on my own... and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life...


    I feel like I’m not going anywhere with this post, and I’m sorry I’m just rambling a bit.

    Can anyone relate to any of what I’m sharing?
     
    #1 baristajedi, Jan 26, 2019
    Last edited: Jan 26, 2019
  2. OnTheHighway

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    Baristajedi, clearly you are continuing to figure out whom you are. My guess is your thoughts will continue to ebb and flow and you will try new experiences and see what your comfortable with. Living your truth is just one part of the journey, now that you have that figured out the rest of your identity now takes center stage.

    During this period one thing I have figured out is never to make any definitive decisions and always keep an open mind. Being self aware is about being honest with ourselves, recognizing the need to continuous identify and manage our embedded shame and putting external messages in their proper place so as not to impede our individual personal progress.
     
    #2 OnTheHighway, Jan 27, 2019
    Last edited: Jan 27, 2019
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  3. looking for me

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    #3 looking for me, Jan 31, 2019
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  4. looking for me

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    I can relate, we've talked about this before, tossing the rules and creating a rule book for ourselves. As you know Im Polyam, and I'm in a polyamorous relationship. I'm happy for you love, take that pen and write the rules that you need in your ever evolving rule book. Hugs.[/QUOTE]
     
  5. Dionysios

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    Life is not so much a clearly defined road. It's more of a meandering highway. There are times none of know where we are going in life. But you know where you've been. As we go along we may stumble but the we can then pick ourselves up and go down another path. Just stay flexible and be prepared to adapt. You have many wonderful times to enjoy ahead of you. You just may have not reached them quite yet. Be patient my friend. *smile*
     
  6. baristajedi

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    H
    I didn’t mean to let this thread lapse so much, life has been so ridiculously busy. Busy but very good :slight_smile:.

    Onthehighway, what you’re saying rings really true to me, that I’m continuing to figure out who I am, and that I’m now living my truth and the rest of my identity is the focus now. But I should also say that in terms of all aspects of who I am, I feel really informed by my journey in terms of of being true to my sexuality and gender. I’ve gotten to that stage where I am totally open and comfortable with those parts of my identity, and maybe have just the smaller tweaks or bumps that might come up in that area, and now I’m ready to learn other things and shape my life in other ways. But so much of this journey has imploded my life from the inside out, and that will help me in how I approach learning more about me in other areas.

    For example this notion of scrapping the rules and letting myself move forward in ways that feel totally true to me, much of that lesson comes from kicking off the chains of the closet and heteronormative bullshit. I’m starting to realise now that life is so much more than the narrow expectations we’re told we can choose from, the narrow paths that are set in front of us.

    I can’t believe how happy I am, how much *happier* I am in this life that looks maybe from the outside to be lonely, difficult etc, versus the one that is supposed to be the ideal. I feel so much happier being a divorced single gay mum than I ever could be in the closeted married life I had. And I mean, I just can’t believe how fulfilling life can be in all the areas that I need fulfilment. I can have *everything* I need living exactly the way I am now.

    My future desires and fulfilment though are really unknown to me. I have only sketchy ideas about what I want my future to look like, what I want in terms of relationships. Some part of me wonders ...do I really need a life partner? I don’t honestly know what my life path looks like. But I feel so good on the journey. And this is where I am at the moment, trying to work out, like you said, who I am, what my needs are, what my path looks like.

    I think what you said in the second paragraph is so important, I have become determined to not make any definitive decisions, as you’ve said, and to think about the course ahead as something that needs a lot of consideration before settling on anything defined. I learned from my last relationship that making big life decisions now is just not wise.
     
    #6 baristajedi, Feb 3, 2019
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2019
    looking for me and OnTheHighway like this.
  7. baristajedi

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    Back soon to this thread!
     
  8. lucybee

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    Thank you very much for your post! It really spoke to me. I'm at a different point in my journey - very recently separated, no kids, have come out to some people. But I have, over the past few years, had to make a similar adjustment to my "life vision". I always spent a good portion of my time searching out fulfilling romantic relationships (with men, not even noticing I was getting more emotional fulfillment from women..), with the end goal of being happily together for a long time, having children, growing old. A life partner. I always fit fairly easy into that happily-ever-after life story, and my life was certainly going in that direction.
    But I guess sometimes the most comfortable life path is not the most authentic life path. I was in a lot of emotional pain due to my feelings for women, and I felt stuck, resentful, and like I'd never be fulfilled in all the ways I was yearning for. So, I initiated the separation.

    Anyway I'm rambling, but my point is that now I am in the midst of allowing myself to adjust to this new vision of having no vision. It is so liberating. I feel like I'm shedding layers upon layers of heteronormative expectations and social conditioning. It's a process. it's a journey. But I'm already so much more at peace with myself, and so much happier, even though I'm incredibly lonely and still healing from the breakup. I just know I'm on a better path. And I'm also questioning whether my journey will include what we'd call a "life partner".. maybe I'll be able to find fulfillment in making connections with people in my own time and space. At least right now, I'm really happy to be independent.