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Crazy sexual question

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Nic2552, May 22, 2019.

  1. Nic2552

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    I am still learning about the lgbt+ community, the more I read ....learn about you guys story the more I learn about myself as a person, I don’t want to sound dumb , I even learn I’m a femme a year ago... haha,.but I hear this a lot, “ top , bottom...explain please and how does that relate to lesbians, gays... etc .. who is what? ... I know it refers to sex but why is that important in sex?
     
  2. Destin

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    Top = the dominant one, and the one that penetrates.

    Bottom = the submissive one, and the one that gets penetrated.

    Versatile = willing to be either a top or a bottom depending on the situation.
     
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  3. kibou97

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    To add onto what Destin said, you can be submissive as a top or dominant as a bottom but the way he explained it is more common.
     
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  4. Nic2552

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    Understood....Why do people make it important in sex relationships?



    QUOTE="Destin, post: 6667286, member: 92630"]Top = the dominant one, and the one that penetrates.

    Bottom = the submissive one, and the one that gets penetrated.

    Versatile = willing to be either a top or a bottom depending on the situation.[/QUOTE]
     
    #4 Nic2552, May 22, 2019
    Last edited: May 22, 2019
  5. Destin

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    If both of the people in the relationship are tops, then neither will agree to get penetrated, which makes anal sex impossible for guys.

    If both are bottoms, then neither will agree to penetrate, which also makes anal sex impossible other than with a dildo.

    All it really matters for is anal sex for the most part. Although people very often attach their personality to it also, like most tops act masculine and most bottoms act feminine according to stereotypes. A top would often feel feminine and uncomfortable if he bottomed so he'll refuse to do it.

    The easiest relationship is two versatile people since they can switch roles whenever they feel like it and still be happy.
     
    #5 Destin, May 22, 2019
    Last edited: May 22, 2019
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  6. Nic2552

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    Now that’s when it comes to males or lesbians as well? I know Straight couples
     
    #6 Nic2552, May 22, 2019
    Last edited: May 22, 2019
  7. silverhalo

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    I am by no means an expert but I'm not sure it is as important in lesbian relationships. I don't think you should worry about it. I mean it's good to gain more knowledge and stuff but I don't think it plays such a big part.
     
  8. smurf

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    Okay, so there is different take on this.

    The whole top= dominant and bottom = submissive is super reductive for me. Its us taking heteronormative norms about sex and trying to fit them into gay relationships. it might work for some, but its not a rule that applies to everyone.

    These terms have been used for generations now and they have changed meaning. So one thing to start with is that there are no rules about all of this. These are simply terms that are somewhat useful, but use them as guidelines and not as hard rules.

    If you ever have a relationship with someone ask them. "How do you like to have sex? What turns you on?". Don't just assume that your definition of bottom and your definition of bottom are the exact same thing.

    For instance, being a bottom to a lot of people means simply that they enjoy being penetrated but it doesn't mean they are submissive or feminine. Same thing applies to topping.

    Seeing bottoming as submissive comes from the sexist notion that women are always submissive to a men's penis.

    It depends on who you ask.

    Lesbian women usually don't use those terms. Some do like penetration, but they usually don't see it as a submissive or dominant role.

    This is also all subjective by the way.

    Some people might like being submissive with some people and dominant with other people. Some switch encounter to encounter and some even switch in the middle of a session.

    It's not that important in relationships, but in hook ups people want to know fast what you want to do. Do you want to take or give that night? If you don't care you can say vers.

    Its honestly just useful for hook ups.
     
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  9. Destin

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    I've heard lesbians call themselves top and bottom before, but it's much more rare. Straight people generally aren't even aware those words exist so you almost never hear them refer to themselves that way, but in their case, missionary position would be the guy being the top and cowgirl would be the girl being the top.
     
  10. Nickw

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    I agree with @smurf. These definitions are most useful for hooking up. Being married to a woman, most guys that hit me up on the app are assuming I would be a dominate top for them. I hate these definitions and never engage those guys. I'm not one to go there on a first, or second or fifth date anyway. But, I find the conversation a violation of privacy. I know there are some guys who just need to know this before they spend time with a guy. But, I have found plenty of guys like the more organic approach to discovering what the other person is into. Maybe it never works with that guy but you can build a friendship anyway and that is really valuable.

    The best lovemaking for me is when there is nothing defined ahead of time. Maybe I become more assertive some of the time. Maybe he does a few minutes later. Maybe we switch "positions". Maybe we have incredible sex without intercourse.

    I encourage you to find someone you care for and are attracted to and figure out the rest together a little bit at a time.
     
  11. OGS

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    I find the whole top/bottom thing as currently constructed very odd and frankly more than a little off-putting. I mean we had the terms back when I was single but it was more about actions than people. It wasn't what you do it was what you did, this go around, and you'd probably do something different next time around. I always sort of assumed everyone was versatile and in my experience everyone was. But then again it really seems like it's kind of all about the act now and, back in the day, even one night stands were more about the people than the act. My favorite "position" during a one night stand was probably laying around on each other talking after... or between. Nowadays it all seems to be tab A fits into slot B. It's kind of funny because back in the day I thought we were all obsessed with sex, but we had nothing on our equivalents today! G*d, I sound old. All you kids, get off my lawn! LOL
     
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  12. Quantumreality

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    SO true! And an excellent example of the presumptive nature that still exists in our modern society. Our modern society is so totally uniformed (and I'm primarily speaking about the US because that is the society that I belong to - although I've previously lived outside the US for multiple years). But I think that this ties back to the bottom being the 'girl' and the 'guy' being the top Straight-world stereotype. As we all know - especially those of us who are Bi, opposite-sex conventions don't apply to same-sex relationships on a one-for-one level.

    And, frankly, pretty much all uninformed/uneducated straight people automatically ASSUME that if a guy is gay or Bi, he is automatically, in our terminology, a ;bottom'. Whereas, in reality not all male-on-male sexual encounters are based on anal sex at all.

    There is a line from the original British version of "Queer as Folks" where one of the main characters says "it's not really sex unless both of you cum." That strikes a chord in me.

    I mean, WHAT IS Gay Sex? What does it mean to be a Gay "Virgin"? Why does it matter? AND to whom does it matter? Equally important is the question of why it is anyone elses' business.

    Just my jumbled thoughts....
     
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  13. Destin

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    The way you describe the gay community of the past always sounds so friendly and chill, I regret being born too late to experience it.

    These days there's barely any real human interaction that I can see on apps or other hookup sources. The majority of app profiles in my area say things like:
    "pump and dump only"
    "masc for masc, no fems"
    "no cuddling or other faggotry"
    "no talking, show up, fuck and leave"
    "anonymous only, no picture swap or names"
    "your ass is the only part of you that matters"

    Then on the flip side, there's the people who immediately try to act like it's a porn movie and start calling you baby, dirty talking and manhandling you within 5 seconds of meeting you in person, clearly not caring at all about you and only needing a faceless body to fulfill their porn fantasies.

    I'm pretty sure at this rate as soon as they create lifelike sex robots gay people will stop talking to each other entirely.
     
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  14. Quantumreality

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    I think I understand your point of view, @OGS.But, as a Bi guy, I've never bottomed and the only things that I have allowed in my anus (being brutally honest here) are Doctors' fingers (anal exams) and, once, and endoscope during an endoscopy procedure to check for cancer in my colon. (A negative result, thank God.)

    However, people are people and some of us (Bi or Gay, it doesn't matter) just don't get the sexual thrill from being topped that Botttoms and Vers guys do. Please don't negate, denigrate or erase us. Just accept that we mean what we say and we are comfortable being who we are.

    No shade, but, hopefully, better understanding. Bi guys aren't going away, but I also don't think that we, as a community, are becoming less influential over time. Quite the opposite, in fact.

    Just my 2cents.
     
  15. Nickw

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    I agree completely. I was chatting with a man on a legit gay site. Not a hookup site. We were hitting it off and he suggested we go camping. I agreed. Next thing I know he wants to chat a bit about sex. So, we did a little and he asks me about my position. I responded saying I was just finding my way and didn't want to define myself.

    Next thing I know he texted me with a photo of his "ahem" and said "I'm a
    Top you're verse...this could work"

    I couldn't meet him and quit chatting. I just couldn't get the idea out of my head how demeaning this was. Not because of being a bottom. I enjoy all m2m sex. But, because it reduced me to a sex object that was only interested in his manhood.

    I am sort of woman's rights guy. Super sensitive to misogynistic a**h*les. This felt sort of that way.

    I'm older than @OGS so maybe that's part of it.
     
  16. Quantumreality

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    @Destin, I'm pretty certain that you have a very jaded view of the Gay Community right now. No personal shade on you, but you seem to be in a pretty dark place right now.

    One of my good friends is the oldest and gayest guy I know (in his mid- to late- 60s). He's doing just fine and while he remains quite vain and very cute, I love him too much as a close friend to go to a physical level. He is completely handsy and often inappropriate each time we get together to hang out. But I have come to understand him and he has come to understand me. I only tolerate 'so much' unwanted attention -especially physically - from him..

    My friend, let's call him "G" is a total bottom and his outward demeanor is quite femme, although his clothing and his real attitude tell a completely different story. If you cross him, you won't be getting a 'sissy' fight. You will find yourself in a serious street fight (not that he actually wants to fight any more than the rest of us.)

    I guess that what I am trying to portray is that the basic Gay Community that I know/am familiar with is certainly NOT as black/white or extreme as you seem to portray.

    Just my 2cents.
     
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  17. Nickw

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    Destin. This just sounds like an awful experience. I have experienced some of that but I wouldn't categorize it as the norm.

    As I recall, you are in a loving relationship so good stuff can happen!
     
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  18. Quantumreality

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    @Nickw I TOTALLY get that! What is the point, especially at our ages, if there isn't an emotional/real connection?

    Sex becomes a non-retribuional "One. Done. Thank You, Maam." meaningless exercise. Or, as one of my (cute) military Drill Instructors described it, sex is a military exercise conducted 'by the numbers.' "One. Two Three. Ready, Switcht!" (He wias in the process of a divorce at the time.)
     
    #18 Quantumreality, May 23, 2019
    Last edited: May 23, 2019
  19. Quantumreality

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    AND, @Nickw, unless you are actually into BDSM (degrading) - no judgment on that, just trying to clarify my comments/point of view.
     
  20. Nickw

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    No...not into that! Unless you consider getting down in the desert after a multi pitch rock climb masochistic.