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Could my son be gay?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Kellycali, Mar 25, 2019.

  1. Kellycali

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    So today I went into my 15 year old sons room to put laundry away. Usually I have him come get the pile or I just dump it off on his bed. Today I decided to put it away myself. Maybe this was some sort of sign, I dont know. Anywho, I opened one of his drawers and saw a notebook inside that had one of his school subjects labeled on it. I thought for a moment that he forgot to take it today. I know it's wrong of me, but I looked in the notebook. What I saw was a picture that he drew of himself in a sexual position. The page next to it he was describing in great detail a scenario of him doing very graphic things to another male (sexually). Right off the bat I knew he had been watching male porn. I mean this was like porn on paper. It was jaw dropping. My son has always been different from other boys....in a good way!! He loves art, fashion, and keeping to himself. Has never been into sports and toys as a kid. Instead he used his imagination and made things with his hands. He is very unique and I love him so much for it. Recently he has been growing out his nails and a couple times I saw that he polished a few of them. Idk maybe I'm old and I'm not familiar with what the trends are. I'm a 80's kid. I have asked him not long ago if he was interested in female "things", to which he replied no. I explained that there isn't anything wrong with it and that no matter what I have his back a 100%. I'm truly ok if he is gay or whatever. He is my son and always will be and my love for him will never change. I guess I'm just like a deer in the headlights. I would never tell him what I saw today. I don't ever want him to feel embarrassed or ashamed. I just don't know what to do now. Do I just go on and pretend I didn't see what I saw today? I don't know what he does on his phone in his room, if you know what I mean. Is he communicating with people that he doesn't know? Would it be wrong to check his phone? The idea of him possibly being gay has been in the back of my mind for a looooong time, but I have to admit this has me a little frazzled. I want him to be safe and know the dangers of predators. What is the best way to go about this? Thanks
     
  2. DecentOne

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    Thanks for caring about your child so much that you’d look into this! Welcome to Empty Closets.

    I’m a parent too. The messages you are giving your child are good... acceptance and even celebration of diversity is very affirming. At 15 it can be hard to open up to a parent about something as private as sexuality. Have you watched Love Simon or other LGBTQ movies together or picked up an obvious book like “This Book Is Gay” to read for yourself and he sees you are reading it?

    It takes a village to raise a child. How is his pediatrician, is that person a safe person on this subject? Is there a LGBTQ youth group in the area? Do you have access to PFLAG (a group for parents and friends of LGBTQ family members) for yourself?
     
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  3. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

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    Hi, and welcome! Sounds like you're an awesome parent, one that a lot of kids here would love to have as their own parent. :slight_smile:

    I think it's pretty likely your son is gay, based on what you are describing. That said, I would never admit to him (ok, maybe when he's 30 or something) that you saw his notebook, nor would I offer up any other hints or indications that you know.

    Now, I do think there is a concern about who he may be talking to on his phone, or whether he's camming with other guys. Realistically, a lot of kids do this, and the stigma of nude pics has significantly decreased in the past 5 years or so. But a lot of gay teens end up getting hit on, and/or encouraged to cam with older guys, and that can be potentially dangerous.

    I'm not sure what the best solution is here. If you have the sort of relationship where you have very open communication with him, you could wait a couple of weeks (so he doesn't connect that you put his laundry away, and might have seen his notebook), and then maybe find some way to talk in general about online safety. One issue many kids don't consider is there are legal issues in sending nude pics of himself to another person; it is technically considered "producing child porn" and some kids have actually been charged and required to register as a sex offender. Clearly a bit excessive, but a case where the laws haven't caught up to where society is.

    I know the temptation will be there to find some way to let him know you know, but I'd suggest treading very carefully with that. If you basically force his hand before he's ready, it will feel like a violation to him. But if you either have already cultivated, or start to cultivate, an open connection with him (hard to do at this age if the seeds haven't already been planted), you may over time be able to continue to be supportive while also giving him space to come out when he's ready.

    I think going to a PFLAG meeting could be useful, but I'd keep it on the down low; the last thing he needs is to know that you know or suspect and are going to PFLAG meetings, as, if he isn't out yet, that will feel like a violation to him as well. And I'd be cautious about revealing anything other than things that are obvious that anyone could notice in the PFLAG meeting, just in case info somehow gets back to him.

    Meantime, it sounds like you've already got the right idea with just about everything else, so keep it up, and feel free to continue posting here... it's a pretty awesome community with a lot of folks in the same situation you are, as well as many others who can be super helpful.
     
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  4. Kellycali

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    Thank you for the advice (and to possible future posts). I spoke to my husband (his father) to feel him out on the possibility of our son being gay and he is ok about it. My husband grew up with a close minded family, so I was kind of nervous about it. He wants the same thing i do, for our son to be happy and comfortable with himself....AND to be safe. I am going to let some time go by before I explore this further and continue to let my son know that we are here for him. Thanks again.