Could I be a lesbian?

To me you sound like a bisexual. I can really relate to the "turn on, turn off thing." I really thought I was strange until now because I don't think I've ever seen anyone mention this! But I can do that to an extent as well. I not am faking though if that makes sense. It just seems like I can guide and amplify my attractions when and where I want to to an extent. I am not sure how else to explain it, but you're definitely not alone. I can do this with men and women however, though for many years I thought I was straight and only thought I could do this, or have feelings like that for men.

 

Also, your attractions don't have to be fifty/fifty to be bi. Nor do you have to date guys and girls. You can be bi and only date women if you want to, there's no rule that says if you're attracted to men you have to date them. You can like girls more. Also you don't have to use a label if you don't want to. Or you could identify as "fluid". I identify as bi for convenience's sake, but honesty, fluid is a word that totally applies to me too.

 

Well, there are a lot of stereotypes associated with being bi that don't apply to all bi people and so some people might feel uncomfortable using the word. Sometimes people feel like bi is a word that makes them feel overly sexualized, or that they have to be fifty/fifty even when they aren't, or that bisexuals all like threesomes. None of these things are true to all bisexuals, but people say stupid things and this can make people feel insecure. I struggled with the fifty/fifty thing. I wasn't sure how my attractions divided up, sexually, and romantically and was afraid I wasn't bi enough because I didn't feel a "perfect" split down the middle and worried I was not as legit. But then I realized gradually that that's just a lie ignorant people perpetuate to make bi people feel insecure. Your sexuality is your own and you decide how you feel and to what extent. It's not their choice to make.

 

I understand the fear that you're making it up, but it's super common actually. I really wanted to be bi the same way you want to be gay. A lot of people might be confused by this, but I understand, and it's more common than you think. I have read about other people who said the same thing on here and other places online. I did read something somewhere though that I always find myself quoting when this question comes up because I really think it's quite profound. The quote is, "Why would a straight person want to be bi so much unless they actually ALREADY WERE?" I found this when I was questioning my bisexuality and it was really helpful. The logic behind it makes a lot of sense. And then there is that whole nonsense people make about "choosing" to be gay or bi. And the truth is that opinion of people has never bothered me because what I think a lot of people forget when they make the argument that it is "wrong" because it is a choice, or that it's "unnatural" is that it doesn't matter. So what if it's a choice? It's MY choice, and as long as it doesn't hurt anyone then what's the big deal. If you want to date women and only women then do that. You should do what makes you happy.

 

I agree with what's been said above - you're definitely not straight. The fear of faking it is a very common one, actually, and a lot of us go through it at one point or anything (me? I still haven't managed to get past that after what seems like a lifetime of questioning...). For me it helps to see this thought as being connected to homophobic people others will say, such as 'it's just a phase' or 'you're just choosing to be gay'. It's a lot easier to counter thoughts if you focus on the external version of them than the internal one like you're worrying about right now.

Now, not being straight still leaves you two options though, and that is something that unfortunately might take a while to figure out. I wouldn't personally be as quick to conclude you must be bi based on what you're writing here as Love4Ever is, since most of what you're describing here could either indicate bisexuality or gay but suffering from compulsory heterosexuality (which a lot of us do. not just gay women either, don't get me wrong). Being able to turn crushes on/off, for example, is something that is commonly described by people as part of comp het, and the difference between that and bisexuality that for bisexuals those attractions are genuine, whereas for gay women they're things that we make ourselves feel but that don't naturally come from inside us. That's incredibly difficult to differentiate, and it's a process that takes a lot of time and life experience before you can properly separate between what is real, and what is not. It may be helpful to look into compulsory heterosexuality to raise your personal awareness of which things are real and which are commonly experienced by people who deal with comp het. That awareness won't give you conclusive answers, but as life progresses, it will help you to notice things a little more.

Either way... figuring our your sexuality is a long process, and to be honest, it's already quite something that you're this far when you're only 16 years old. You have time! You don't need to figure this out right now at this moment! Let your feelings take you by the hand a little. See a girl you like? Act on it. Ask her out. See how it makes you feel. The answers will come, but it is easy to start overanalysing the past and that will get in the way of actually feelings things anymore. Like, I understand that you start worrying about not having had girl crushes as a kid, but... I didn't have crushes until I was 22. It's not that abnormal to not be able to find answers in your past, particularly pre-puberty past! It's perfectly ok for now to just say, hey, i like girls, and i'll figure out if i like boys later.

You definitely don't have to date boys if you don't want to.

You also don't have to pick a label for life. For some people, attractions change. Other people just learn more about themselves and adjust their labels accordingly. A LOT of gay women at some point identified as bi, and vice versa. I like to think of labels as words for how you're feeling RIGHT NOW - because you cannot predict the future. No lesbian has met all the men in the world, and if all of them would worry about 'well maybe i'll fall for one of the guys i haven't met yet?' no one would be calling themselves a lesbian anymore. And even more so, labels are not boxes to fit in neatly: they exist to communicate yourself to the outside. There are women who could theoretically be attracted to men, but who choose to define themselves exclusively by their attraction to women because they don't ever want to date a man anyway, who call themselves lesbians. There are also women who are 99.9% into women and 0.1% into men, and who call themselves bi because they want to keep the possibility open. That's ok! A label is for how YOU define yourself to the outside world, not how some label police believes you must call yourself.

 

Hear hear. Now, nature vs. nurture, seed vs. soil debate goes on, but philosophically, well what you said!

 

Hi Birdie,

Well besides agreeing with above advice, this part of your post stood out to me:

That seems to be a pretty telling fact.

 

You sound a lot like me, it’s almost scary. I have also begun coming to terms with my sexuality, and my hunch through all of it has been that I am a lesbian. I have always had that thought in the back of mind. I feel myself drawn to that label, even though I feel a little held back by my past with men. I realize now, and you may have a similar realization one day, that soo much of what I felt for men was not sincere (the whole turn on/off feeling, among others). I think what’s telling for you, and for me too, is that the term bisexual doesn’t quite sit right with us. Maybe our reasons for that are different, and it is important to make sure that your opposition to calling yourself bi isn’t born of internalized biphobia. @Love4Ever brings up some good points about bisexuality not being a 50/50 thing. But don’t feel like you have to call yourself bi because you thought you used to like boys. Nearly every gay woman at some point has tried to like boys at some point. Don’t underestimate how deep denial and heteronormativity can run. Also, keep in mind that sexuality is a spectrum. There are so few people who are 100% gay or straight, but that doesn’t mean that anyone who isn’t on the furthest ends of the spectrum is bi. There’s more gray area between gay and bi than you may realize. One woman may describe her attractions as 90/10 and identify as a lesbian, but another woman may describe her attractions the same way and identify as bi. Neither of them are wrong or “technically” bi or gay and in denial. So if you find yourself wanting to be a lesbian, there may be a very real reason for that.
Having said all that, you are still quite young! You don’t have to pick a label now, or ever. For now, just try to live your truth as much as you can in the moment. You’ve acknowledged that you’re not straight, and that is not an easy thing to do. Figuring out what that means for you is something that will take time. It’s a process!

 

I agree. I must commend you for this. I wish I had really explored my feelings sooner. I know now, that all things happen in good time, but it would have been great to have known sooner.