Corrupt A Wish

Granted, but whenever you become a werewolf you chew on your own arms... leading to excruciating pain and deformity when you change back.

I wish I could play the violin, the harp, sitar, bass guitar and double bass.

 

Granted, but only if played all at the same time, which I doubt you or anyone could pull off

I wish I had better comebacks

 

Granted, but whenever you make a clever comeback your voice gets all high pitched so no one takes you seriously.

I wish I could grow a beard.

 

Too late, it already does.
Granted, the beard grows to your feet. And don't worry, I also made it extremely hard to cut, so it won't break.

I wish for infinite root beer

 

Granted. You drown yourself and the rest of the universe in root beer. Yay.
I wish I was more independent.

 

You mean like this?

And above poster, you wake up tomorrow as the last person on Earth.

 

Where's the wish!??
Wellllllll I guess I could take the opportunity to be the little goblin I am and steaaaalll it.

I wish my stuffed cow would follow me everywhere so I have an excuse to be a 17y ol, in public, with a stuffed toy

 

Granted, but it attacks anyone you flirt with. (Also, I still sleep with a stuffed Eeyore... so you're not alone )

I wish I could think of a way to not have my wishes corrupted.

 

Granted, but it creates a paradox which rips a hole in the time-space continuum.

I wish I could master the cello overnight.

 

Granted, but you are so tired that you sleep trough all day and forgot all what you´ve learned.

I wish I could teleport.

 

Granted, but you cannot control where you teleport to...
I wish I could figure out why people STILL support Trump

 

Granted, but once you know the answer you lose your sanity and spend the rest of your life eating nutrients in paste form and rocking in a corner.

I wish I could afford a good harp or double bass.

 

Granted, but your not allowed to buy them.
I wish I could meet Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr

 

Granted, but they drive you out into Amish country and leave you there(that's from a tv show)

I wish I could make a decent meme

 

Granted. You make a decent meme. Sadly, while you were making a decent meme, everyone else was busy making brilliant memes. Your meme consequently goes unobserved and you and it fade into ever deepening obscurity until you're forgotten entirely.

I wish I could cure my insomnia.

 

Granted. You no longer have issues with sleeping. Unfortunately you are now late due to oversleeping every morning.

I wish there was a 100% efficient cure for acne.

 

Granted, but it causes melanoma.
I wish John Lennon and George Harrison were still alive

 

Granted, but they both become serial killers who torture their victims to the rhythms of Beatles songs.

I wish I could speak with a beautiful natural female voice.

 

Granted, but it is so beautiful that every man you talk to instantly falls in love with you.

I wish I could breathe underwater.

 

Granted. You inhale while underwater, filling your lungs with water, causing you to drown (hooray for literal interpretations!)
I wish my audition earlier today went better.