This is going to be a bit of a vent, so sorry in advance! I don’t know how else to describe the way I’m feeling other than loneliness. I’ve never been in a relationship, due to a number of factors: 1. I attract many more men than women (that I’ve noticed at least). And I could only see myself happy with a woman. 2. It takes a weirdly specific set of things for me to get feelings for a person. I’ve only had two serious crushes. More than fleeting attraction, like the kind that gave me butterflies to the point of feeling sick. 3. The people I had these feelings for were both women who didn’t reciprocate. The first was the straight girl I fell in love with at 15… naturally that was hopeless. The second was an older woman I had only spoken to online, who claimed to be aroace. I know 22 isn’t that old to never have experienced anything and there are others out there like me. I just daydream constantly and I realise it’s likely at the point of being unhealthy. I’ve been this way for a long time but university life has made it worse. Sex and relationships are all around me. Even seeing relationships (especially between two women) in shows or films makes me jealous and eventually I turn into a mopey mess. I feel having a partner would give me motivation and make my sadness smaller, knowing I had someone special by my side who I could go home to and cuddle no matter how awful my day had been. Of course I wouldn’t expect them to solve it all, but life would be more bearable. On the flip-side, I suffer intrusive thoughts. Things like: “you don’t deserve it” or “they’d realise what you’re actually like and end up wanting to leave” or “you should be grateful you don’t know what you’re missing.” And I have zero basis on which to prove any of these wrong. I’m pretty sure in my current state I wouldn’t be ready for a relationship anyway. I’ve been trying new things this year and focusing more on other sources of happiness. But I worry there’s still such a long way to go. And it makes me wonder: would I ever be suitable for a healthy relationship? What if my emotions make me a red flag? I don’t want to be alone my whole life (though I’d rather be alone then settle for someone I don’t truly love). And I want to let love find me naturally instead of searching for it, but it’s a switch I can’t seem to turn off. Does anyone have any advice on dealing with this? It really impacts my overall happiness. I have considered therapy but it’s not something I want to go through again: I did it at 17 and not only was it a complete waste of time, but the sessions made me feel awkward and all I wanted was for them to end. I’d also be far too embarrassed to admit these problems to a real person in front of me.
Hey Bambibat, I'm in a similar boat. Almost 23. No experience with dating either. Previous bad situation with a supposed mental health professional. I also experience intrusive thoughts. Slightly different to the ones you describe, but similar inner demons nonetheless. Granted, I'm not a professional. All I can offer is my perspective and what personally helps me. I tend to find that with my intrusive thoughts, the more I try to ignore them, the more they keeping coming back. Sometimes, I almost feel a sense of pressure to have an answer for them. As if I'm in a battle with myself and I need an answer to fight back with so I'm ready when the thoughts return. However, I have found this to be an unhealthy approach as it seems to further encourage the thoughts to become consuming. It becomes an activity. So, instead, I find that telling myself "I don't owe you anything" to be almost empowering. To remind myself that it's OK to not have all the answers. Intrusive thoughts are often based on echoes of the past; our insecurities and fears. Frankly, it's tempting to go in - ready to fight all your inner demons at once, but they tend to swarm if you go in and start attacking them all at the same time. Then you're left feeling overwhelmed and mentally drained. I think that it's important to take a step back and not be too harsh on yourself. To remind yourself that hey, I'm in a bad headspace right now and I don't have all the answers to the questions that are bothering me at the moment but that doesn't make me a failure. As much of a cliché it may sound, healing takes time. Your inner demon may be hammering you for an answer, but hey, you don't need to reply just yet. They can take a seat and have a cup of tea. You have time to figure out where the echo is coming from and how to approach it. For what it's worth, I think that relationships are less about worthiness and more a matter of circumstance and putting in the work. I know that it's a difficult thing to unlearn though and I get that. Hopefully you'll find some solace in this post, I wish I could be of more help. Welcome to EC by the way, I hope you enjoy your time here / find it useful.
Thank you, I think you’re totally right. I do tend to delve in and try to fight things (i.e. the intrusive thoughts) off automatically but in the end it only tires me out and I get pretty much nowhere. And then the cycle repeats itself like some addiction that I don’t even enjoy. I really relate to that feeling of ‘needing’ to have an answer to everything that crops up right away, and wanting to know where exactly the echo is even coming from — but I know it isn’t always going to be possible. So I’ll remind myself to give things time and not let it all get to me. And I’m sorry to hear you struggle with intrusive thoughts as well! It’s never fun. I’ll be trying that mantra on myself to see how it goes. I appreciate your response, and the welcome : )
bambibat.....Intrusive thoughts are a major symptom of OCD...which I have. I'm not saying that you have OCD as intrusive thoughts can show up for many different reasons. But I want to share a little of my experience with them. The first thing I learned from a really great therapist was that what you fight the hardest against returns the most. This is especially true of intrusive thoughts. It's like you give them a toe-hold into your brain when you actively fight against them. He worked with me to find ways of distracting myself from the IT (intrusive thoughts). Instead of telling myself not to think of the IT it was a matter of perhaps thinking of a song that I happen to like. You know how a song can kind of get "stuck" in you head and won't go away...well that turned out (for me) to be a really good "weapon" against IT. Another thing that helped me was when there was something that I was working on that I could think about and sort of "plan" it in my head...I would think about and plan the details of it instead of the IT. I think you can see the pattern here. Instead of trying to not think of the IT, I would deflect them away by thinking about something else that I was interested in or that could keep my attention. Of course, my therapist also worked with me on other ways of working with the OCD which would not apply to you unless what you are experiencing really is OCD. Plus he worked with me to find the right meds and the right dosages that also made a terrific difference in controlling the OCD. You said that therapy made you feel awkward and it didn't work for you. I'm so sorry that happened. I have to say that finding a LGBTQIA+ Qualified therapist was one of the very best decisions that I have made in my life. I'd like you to seriously consider it again. The first thing to do is to be sure that any therapist that may consider lists working with the LGBTQIA+ Community as part of their practice. If there happens to be any kind of a LGBTQIA+ support group in your area you could see if they have a list of therapists that others have met and given a positive report. I realize that having had a bad experience makes it rough to try again, but if you can find a therapist who understands the needs of our community...who might even be a member of our community (my therapist is gay) then you could benefit a whole bunch from working with a therapist who understands and helps you find the answers you need in a way that is comfortable and reassuring to you. You're right 22 isn't too old to not have had a lot of experience. I didn't get married until I was 27. My future wife and I didn't have our first kiss until the night I asked her to marry me. I realize that this could be confusing since my info box lists me as gay, but like so many in my generation I followed along with what I thought I had to do and didn't accept my sexuality until many years later. You said would having a partner "make my sadness smaller"? Perhaps. However, you never know for sure how a relationship is going to work out. There are times when having a relationship turns out to be worse than being single. The hope is always that two people can come together and create something that is more than than the two of them...it's what we all hope for. So often in the gay community it so difficult due to the dating pool being so much smaller to begin with. Then we have those people who seem to think that because a person is Bi that they should be able to easily find someone. Which shows that they really do not understand what it means to be Bi and to be a part of the LGBTQIA+ community, where you can get turned down before even being given a chance to shown who you are just because of the label that you carry. Well...I think that this "novel" has become long-winded enough. I hope that something I've written will help you out a little bit. I'm glad that you found us here on Empty Closets and please keep us updated on how you are doing! Remember...you are a part of our LGBTQIA+ Family and we do acre! .....David
T Thank you very much for the warm welcome and the advice! I’ll try out some methods when those thoughts crop up again. True, relationships aren’t always pleasant from what I’ve heard. The grass is always greener on the other side like they say, I suppose. And yes, there is a lack of awareness about the bisexual experience/struggles I feel. One other thing I find myself afraid of is someone being put-off of me when they find out I’m bisexual. I’ve known of several lesbians who are against dating bi women. And similarly, straight women who are against dating bi men. Of course, I believe anyone should be free to exclude anyone from their dating pool for whatever reason they want. But a lot of the unwillingness around dating bi people seems to come from harmful stereotypes (i.e. that we’re greedy attention-seekers, or are more likely to cheat, or that we can’t ever relate to the true struggles of gay people). As a bi woman these things can get to me. I admit that once every now and then, I feel like the fact I’m bisexual makes me unworthy. But I know it’s my intrusive thoughts acting up and likely internalised biphobia. I’m trying to work on it and am more self accepting than I once was at least. Anyway, sorry for beginning to rant again. Your words have been helpful! I’m also happy to hear that you had good experiences with a therapist. Perhaps I might think about it a little more : )
bambibat.....Well, one thing is for sure and that is that you are not unworthy! I hope that you do give serious thought to a therapist...I know that the right one will make a huge difference for you! .....David
