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Continuing friendship after confessing a crush and getting rejected :(

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by lookingup9, May 11, 2019.

  1. lookingup9

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    Hey everyone, so this moment has been a long time coming but I'm finally having to face it. I've been in love with this girl for the past year. It's been a huge source of stress and emotion for me.

    Over the course of the past year this girl and I have developed a friendship and the whole time I had a crush on her. There were times I thought she might like me too and I wanted to confess my feelings so many times, I even posted about it on here. Every time I wanted to tell her I liked her, I would chicken out, tell myself the risk of ruining the friendship wasn't worth it, and decide I needed to get over her. We became closer and closer friends and the feelings were always there. In my mind, she was everything I could want in a partner and I can't imagine someone better for me than her. I kept hoping she would realize what an awesome couple we would be, or that I could just fall for someone else. I tried to do the whole ###### thing, but I just kept going back to her.

    This week, thinking about going home from college for the summer, I just got so angry with myself for letting 6 months of her being single go by and I didn't say a thing. I came to the conclusion I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't tell her about it. This is super corny, but I'm awkward when I try to tell people things sometimes, so I wrote it in a letter and gave it to her with this book I got her. This was the evening before we left to go home for the summer (two nights ago), and she told me she'd read it in the morning after we hung out one last time later that night. I think she had an idea what was going on at that point. We both got drunk and I got emotional as the night went on, kinda wondering if I would regret my choice.

    The next morning (yesterday), she sent a text and said she doesn't have romantic feelings for me. She was as nice as possible about it said she's glad I told her, she's proud of my courage, wants to stay friends because she likes me as a person and cares about me, but understands if I need space. This was basically the reply I expected, so I was surprised about how emotional it made me. I kept thinking about it all day and just randomly crying. I wasn't sure why I was so sad! I'm definitely glad I did it and I'm relieved because I needed that closure. But just seeing her say that she has no interest in me romantically and she knows I'll "meet someone else wonderful" made me feel sad and undesirable. I'm glad I don't have to see her for a while but I'm afraid of what's going to become of our friendship.

    I'm gonna trust her when she says she wants to still be friends with me, so I feel like it's up to me to prove I'm mature and respectful enough to handle this rejection. Has anyone been able to make friendships work when a crush was confessed and it wasn't reciprocated? Whether you were the one being rejected or the one doing the rejecting, were you able to make it work? My heart is just sad right now haha.
     
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  2. alwaysforever

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    The fact that she was actually willing to talk about it is a good sign as far as a friendship goes. The easier it is to actually open up and communicate with someone about problems and work through them, the greater a chance at preserving things after rejection provided you are respectful and can work through it. Even then, sometimes feelings can grow too intense, and a clean break is the only answer. Give it some time, and hopefully things will work out. Sorry that she wasn't interested. Rejection is really painful when you have strong feelings.
     
  3. BothWaysSecret

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    A dear friend of mine confessed that they had feelings for me back in high school. I did not reciprocate, but we remained friends. Sure, it was a little weird (at least on my end) for awhile, but today we are still very close and I consider them one of my best friends.

    I think that their honesty about their feelings made it easier for us to open up to each other later on, so we were able to come out to each other easier, and allowed us to talk about private matters easier.

    When they came to me asking if I knew about any good LGBT support systems, I recommended this site. They joined, but are rarely ever on.

    So yes, things can work out after a confession of feelings. It may take some time, or it may never work at all, but from my experience, it worked out.
     
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  4. Rin311

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    I think it is possible to stay friends after this, but as was written previously, it takes time and a lot of good, honest communication. Prepare for it to be awkward for a while. Hang in there. Talk and listen and it should be alright.

    As for feeling sad... I think that while you knew logically that it’s very probable that you’d get a negative answer, you were hoping very much for her to reciprocate... that didn’t happen, so it’s expected and normal to feel sad. This is about your heart after all, rather than your logical mind. Don’t try to erase the feeling or try to keep from feeling it. It is what it is. Take care.
     
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  5. lookingup9

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    Thank you everyone! I appreciate the responses. It's true I shouldn't have expected not to be sad at all, because this has been a yearlong emotional investment for me and it's a very valued friendship so the thought of losing that had me very stressed out.

    I was texting her a little more last night and this morning and basically, I let her know what I said in this thread - that I needed to hear this from her to move on with my feelings. I told her I hope it was clear I had no intentions of trying to change her mind and whatever makes her happy is what I want to happen. So then, she told me she promises this didn't make her uncomfortable, she knows I'm not the kind of person who would try to pressure her into anything she wasn't interested in, and that she's glad we can be honest with each other.

    After this conversation I already feel better. I think it's a good thing that it's summer and we're gonna have a couple months break from seeing each other in person, even though I will miss her. Because it's gonna take a little time for me to completely get over this. But I feel hopeful that by the time I see her again things will be normal.
     
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  6. Daliahsun

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    I am actually in a similar situation right now. I confessed my feelings, got rejected, and we are still very close. I’m struggling though, with the attraction on my end. It hasn’t lessened, and that’s hard.
     
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  7. Daliahsun

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    I have a client who wants to hear this song all the time and now I can’t get it out of my head!
     
  8. Daliahsun

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    Ummm I think I might have posted on the wrong thread... is the little red riding hood one showing up in the friend love thread?
     
  9. BothWaysSecret

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    Yes, it is
     
  10. beenthrdonetht

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    Yes, but something with Sam the Sham & the Pharaohs is cool enough to be a thread-bomber.

    To the OP: Congratulations, what you did is really hard to do. And yet is so often the best thing. I would have cried too -- the (expected) reasonable response is still such a positive affirmation of platonic love.
     
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  11. lookingup9

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    Thank you! I have been still struggling a little in the last few days. Even though like I said, her response was extremely nice and respectful and I believe she meant it when she said we'll stay friends, I just feel like I won't be positive things will be ok between us until I see her again...which isn't for 3 months. I'm pretty sure she's not even gonna be thinking about me much (she just left for a few-weeks long trip to another country), which makes me feel pathetic for even still thinking about it this much haha. But you're right, it was the right choice for sure. The not knowing was eating me alive for the longest time.

    I wanna talk to her just to be reassured everything's ok, but I don't know if she wants to talk to me right now. and I do know she's preoccupied. I guess I'm just gonna have to be patient and trust her.

    Lol no worries about posting in the wrong thread and dang I'm sorry you're going through this too! Rejection really does suck. Fortunately, the distance from her I'm having right now is helping lessen the attraction. But sadly I'm still thinking about her a lot and worrying about our friendship. Wish I could just get this off my mind.
     
  12. Harp Grey

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    I'm really impressed by your courage! I think confessing feelings for someone is one of the hardest things you can do.

    I confessed my feelings for a close friend and he didn't return them. He wasn't as understanding as your friend however, he couldn't accept that I needed some space from him. I could have used his help, I wasn't strong enough to take a break from our relationship myself, it would have been easier if he had said "I understand if you need some space". He still wanted to hang out and I couldn't say no and it was a really hard time for me, especially when he got a girlfriend. I came over him eventually, but we're not as close anymore. We're still friends, we're hanging out from time to time, but not in the same way as before. Now when I'm not in love with him I understand he is not that great person I thought he was, he can be quite insensitive actually... and I have other friends and nowadays even a boyfriend so I don't care so much.

    Your friend seems very understanding, I hope you can remain friends!
    Take care of yourself, you are so worthy of love, she was just not the right person for you.
     
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  13. justbehappy

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    ^^^^ couldn't agree more with this.
    Also, had my fair share of rejections over years both has the rejected and the one doing the rejection... Im friends with all of those people to this day (seriously, it's not like I could just stop liking them overnight) and the key it's always been time and communication... Take some time off. You're hurt, it's understandable, but also, don't completely ghost her or start being an overall dick to this girl just because she doesn't feel the same... But yeah, most off all, just take some time off, trust me it will get better eventually.
     
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  14. lookingup9

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    Thank you! I'm sorry that happened, that sounds really rough. Yeah she was very understanding, partly because she's just a kind person but also because she's had this happen a couple times before lol she's a catch. I'm glad we're on break, because if I was on campus right now having to see her around, I know I would have a hard time getting over it. I'm glad you were able to eventually move on and that you have a boyfriend now though! That gives me reassurance.

    Thanks! Yeah I'm having a hard time deciding what to say to her next. I don't know what to say, like should I just pretend it never happened? I'm afraid if I don't text her for weeks she'll think I'm ignoring her/don't want to be friends but I'm afraid if I text her too much she'll know I'm still thinking about her a lot ad not totally over this yet. I'm hoping she messages me at some point but since she's abroad I know she's busy. Im overthinking everything and giving myself anxiety but what else is new haha.
     
  15. Luria77

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    So brave! I can't imagine doing what you did, writing a letter, confession how you felt. I have a huge crush on a friend of mine, we've been getting closer this year, she helped me through leaving my husband, but I feel like I would be mortified if I ever told her how I feel. So, good for you! Amazing!
     
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  16. justbehappy

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    Hmm yeah I get it... I will say that not everyone is the same... In my case I've had crushes that were easy enough to "get over" you know?! I mean, it still sucked, but the time I took to get over them was relatively small. However, I did full on love someone a few years back who did not reciprocate my feelings and to say I took that hard, would be an understatement.

    I did stop talking to her for months afterwards... I sure as hell wasn't ready to even look at her, much less talk and she understood, so she gave me my space.
    While we didn't talk, as often (we would talk everyday for hours on end) I did try to find some balance between what I needed and what she deserved.

    I needed space to get over her, so I cut down on time we spent together and on how much we talked. But I also tried to respect the fact that she wasn't at fault / nor responsible for my feelings, so I would try and speak to her at least once in a while (maybe once a week, or once every 2 weeks) through text. The important thing is to always keep in mind: this is another human being you're dealing with. With her own feelings. Who deserves just as much respect as the one you should be giving yourself.

    Try and find a balance. Usually that starts by talking to her and being honest with one another. Everything is gonna be OK.
     
  17. lookingup9

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    Thank you for your kind words! She is bi which is the only reason I could do it, I can’t imagine I would do this with a straight female friend.

    Thank you! :slight_smile: everything you said was so true. I’ve had crushes that I’ve gotten over on their own, but I’ve only ever loved one other person as much as I love this girl. But I have also been in the opposite position where people have liked me and I didn’t feel the same, and of course she can’t force herself to have feelings for me if they’re not there.

    Even though lately the sad part of me is wanting to be frustrated with her, I really know I shouldn’t think that way. How unfair that would be. I think she genuinely values my friendship, as much as I opened up to her and she helped me through hard times, I know she trusted and confided in me as well.
    I have learned a lot from this experience that is for sure.