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Constantly coming out

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by UmaMae, Feb 11, 2018.

  1. UmaMae

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    Hey folks,

    the thought that i like women occured first to me almost one and half a year ago (omg, time goes by..)
    now Im pretty safe about my sexuality and accepted that my bisexuality is fluid, changing every few months, some times I'm more attracted to men, then again more attracted to women. Naturally I'm active in this forum when I have my womens-phase, cause the other time my queerness hides a little bit in the heteronormative society.

    My question now is... as I'm out to most of my friends and family, I'm not out at my new working place. Actually being bi is always a little bit tricky when it comes to coming outs.
    Cause I have a (really hard) crush on a man at the moment I'm pretty much "hetero-passing", but feeling nevertheless the queerness coming through and longing for women sexually.

    But - surprise, everyone is just assuming that I'm straight, cause I'm also kinda femme.

    Most of the times im pretty casual about my sexuality and even when I'm with people I dont know I'm just like "Oh yeah, shes cute" or "oh, I really like red hair on women, thats totally my type". But never making a big of a deal out of it. Last time I was with friends and one of them didn't know, and his reaction was quite funny, as he responded with a laugh "haha, your type of women"
    And I was like "yeah, I mean I like women and red hair is incredibly beautiful. Do you have a type?"
    And I saw it clicking in his eyes, but I did it so casual that he didnt even had a chance to react in a bad way :grin:
    Just acting as if it was the most normal thing in the world, and he accepted that immediatly.
    Or... it wasnt even acting. It just felt naturally to do it this way. So is this coming out?

    I dont feel the "need" anymore to come out. Or to label it "coming out" when I'm talking to people. Its just... meh, I say what I want and you can think what you want, doesnt really bother me.

    So the process was... at the beginning totally freaking out about this and now its just ok.

    Im not saying that I'm totally self-confident about it all the time... but.. I have the feeling, that there was a process, from trying to define myself, trying to express myself to just "being myself"

    So... in my case, it really got better :grin:
    What are your experiences? When you are bi, how do you cope with it when people constantly misinterpret your sexuality? Does it bother you? How did your "coming out" behavior change over time? Did it?
    I would love to hear your stories :slight_smile:
     
    #1 UmaMae, Feb 11, 2018
    Last edited: Feb 11, 2018
  2. Walksfar

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    I'm bi and femme with children, so people almost always interpret me as straight. I was ok with that for a long time, but it has been bothering me lately---waitresses giving a single check to a male friend, guys hitting on my sweetheart when I am standing right beside her, male clerks asking if I have a boyfriend. Usually I just shrug it off as cultural programming, but recently it has become really upsetting over the past few months. As a result, I've contemplated changing my look so my queerness can be more visible---but that whole paradigm frustrates the heck out of me.

    Up until recently, I have handled coming out the way you describe: casual comments. Most my close friends already know. I came out to my mom very casually over the holidays when I attached a female name to my current sweetheart. I recently wrote a blog about coming out as a 30 year old woman, but that was mostly for me as I'm sure most of my internet social circle already knows. I am really not sure how to handle work though. I'm not a fan of things that feel like big productions, so casual comments feels like a good balance between speaking my truth and not drawing too much attention to myself.
     
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  3. I'm gay

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    Unfortunately, for us in the LGBT community, coming out becomes a life-long endeavor. There are always new people in your life, new job, new friend group, new hobby group, etc. Sure, you don't have to tell new people in your life. It's easy to say "Well, I did the coming out thing, so I don't feel the need to keep doing it." The problem with this thinking is that "straight" is the default position for most people. You will have to decide for yourself how important it is to you that the people in your life know who you are. That doesn't mean that each person needs the "I have something to tell you..." speech. For me, being fully out to others simply means that I will no longer censor my thoughts and speech for the benefit of other people. Therefore, it can happen naturally in conversation, such as telling someone about a trip with a boyfriend/girlfriend last week, or when you took your girlfriend to the movies yesterday and saw ____ movie.

    If you find that you are avoiding pronouns in conversations with people, or specifically not saying something because it would reveal your orientation, then it puts you back into the closet all over again. Is that what you want? That's what you need to decide.
     
  4. Toromova

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    Straight being the default position to most people is pretty normal since the majority of people identify as straight. It’s not unusual for a group of straight people to only know straight people so they do not relate to gay people all that well. It’s not good or bad, it’s just the way things are.

    As for coming out at work, is there a need to? I am by no means advising you to hide your sexuality, especially if you’ve already come out to those who matter. I’m saying, work is work. If casual discussion around the water cooler leads to talk about whoever your significant other might be, it could easily be said there. But, why does your personal life have to be anyone’s business or something they need to know about? I guess my point is, it’s a difference in “need to know” versus “what they can know”. It has no effect on how well you perform your duties at the job.
     
  5. OGS

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    I see a lot on here the sentiment that coming out is a life long process and I have to say it doesn't feel that way to me. It's something I did a long time ago and it's over. I think once you really do let go entirely of the notion that it's your information to regulate and you're simply willing to be yourself fully in all situations and let the chips fall where they may there really isn't anything else to it. I guess in a way I'm lucky that I'm a rather expressive person--I tend to share, this, that, pretty much everything about myself. Plus, I'm actually married to another man. So it comes up in pretty much even the most casual of conversation. People are generally surprised, I suppose, but they take it in stride--partly I think because I take in stride.
     
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  6. PatrickUK

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    I've thought about this a lot and I think I'd agree with OGS' comments about it. Coming out is something I did 20 odd years ago. At that time it was a huge and overwhelming issue that I had worked up to, like forever. It was all about the big tell and reveal... 'hello world, this is the secret I have buried for almost a decade and now you are getting the truth'... but it's not like that now. Yes, I do meet new people who might not immediately realise I am gay, but they find out pretty quick when I talk about my husband and speak about "we" rather than "me". It's not that I'm a walking advert for the glitter factory, but I don't conceal my sexuality in any way, from anyone. That ship sailed long ago and the daunting feelings associated with coming out went with it. I just speak the truth about my life in the same way as a straight guy talks about his and I wouldn't want it any other way.
     
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  7. I'm gay

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    Patrick and OGS, the fact that you reveal your sexuality as a normal part of living your life does make it a life-long endeavor though. That's what I meant. Sure, it's not the COMING OUT kind of thing anymore, but my point was that people who did the "coming out" thing, but then afterwards go back to old ways of secrecy (avoiding pronouns in conversations, avoiding topics that could be revealing, afraid to say something that would be revealing). In that sense, we continue to "come out" over and over again to new people and new situations.

    If all we're talking about is the difference in labeling, then don't call it "coming out" anymore. In my mind, it's really all about your comfort level in revealing yourself to others. If you're avoiding it out of fear, I think it's something to pay attention to.
     
  8. OGS

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    I guess I understand what you are saying and all I can really say is that that isn't what it feels like for me. I get that the default assumption is straight--but the fact of the matter is that the default assumption is that people don't enjoy opera, don't watch the West Wing obsessively, don't come from Utah, until it comes up that I do. Being gay is more central to my life than any of those things so it tends to come up with pretty much everyone. But I genuinely don't give it a second thought. The whole mechanism of deciding whether or not to reveal it, even the notion that it is something to reveal has been gone for decades.
     
  9. I'm gay

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    I think for those of us still fairly new to coming out, it will take a while before we no longer give it a second thought.

    I thought I was the only one who still watches West Wing on Netflix. Like daily. :lol:
     
  10. anonmember

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    I'm autistic and bisexual and I'm NOT out as bisexual to most of my friends (almost everybody knows about my autism, but not about my sexuality). I'm only out to my parents, my therapists, my social workers, and one long-distance friend (who used to live near me) who lives an hour and a half away and is also bisexual. He swore me to secrecy and he has known for several months and it seems like he hasn't told anyone else yet so I trust him to keep my secret. I have a bunch of other LGBT friends and I haven't even told them. That's how much I am closeted about it. Come out on your own time. There's no rush. My parents accepted it really well. My brother is gay and my parents didn't care about that so I knew they wouldn't care when I told them I was bi.
     
    #10 anonmember, Feb 15, 2018 at 1:22 AM
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2018 at 1:27 AM
  11. anonmember

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    I forgot to mention I’m also out to a few trusted adults, including my grandparents on my mom’s side, and my grandma on my dad’s side.