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considering non-monogamy

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Kmermaid00, Feb 17, 2020.

  1. Kmermaid00

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    So I already knew once I was divorced from a man that I wanted to be non-monogamous and be with who I want and when I want. For a few months I was non-monogamous. I'm currently in a monogamous relationship since December. I told him from the beginning I would also like to look for a woman at the same time but he said he doesn't want to share. So I've tried to be with only him and am currently monagamous. I'm having fun with him and the sex is great. I want to ask him if I can start seeing women as well but I am predicting he will say no. I also don't want to fuck up what I have with him. I am not sure I have any particular questions I just wanted to write out what's in my mind. I have cheated before and I don't want to do that. I want open communication.
     
    #1 Kmermaid00, Feb 17, 2020
    Last edited: Feb 17, 2020
  2. Kmermaid00

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    I forgot to mention in seeking a woman it would not be a threesome type thing.
     
  3. Oliverrrrr

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    Not that I think it matter either way, but what kind of thing are you thinking of?

    Someone that you'll love and spent a good amount of time with?
    Someone you'll see regularly and have sex with but more in a friends with benefits kind of way?
    Or similar but just every now and then?
    Or just some sex on the side with no other involvement?

    I think it's worth being fully aware of what your desires and needs are, both for our own understanding as well as to communicate with him.
    It might be that t's a red line for him, It might be that the line is a bit blurry, but if it isnt what he wants then ultimately it's not fair on him and he's likely to end up unhappy.

    3 way/multi way relationships are certainly possible, but they usually take a lot more work, and there's times when one person's needs are not being met and they just have to deal with it alone.

    Would you be happy for him to see other people? Would your feelings change depending on their gender?

    If he were having a weekend with a supposed other person but you were experiencing some family shit and some crap had happened to you at work and you felt you just needed him....would you be ok with him walking out the door with a weekend bag under his arm?
     
  4. Kmermaid00

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    Those are certainly good questions that I will have to think about. I am not quiet sure what I want other than sex with a woman. Probably just occasionally hanging out before or after sex. That's kinda what I do with him now. We have been on a few dates but we mostly just stay at my house to have sex and then play board games. Neither one of us want to be serious. I am new single as I was officially divorced in August. I've only been with him a few months. It probably would bother me if he was with someone else. We don't really share details outside of talking about our kids, our day in minimal details, sex, memes, and what we watched online that day. Our relationship is mostly sex. You definitely gave me some good things to think about. I will have to consider all those things before I talk to him. If he tells me he doesn't want me to then I won't.
     
    #4 Kmermaid00, Feb 17, 2020
    Last edited: Feb 17, 2020
  5. DecentOne

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    Hi Kmermaid00,

    I’m monogamous and married. That has taught me a bit about being honest with the person I love. I think the most scary thing for my wife is to imagine that I might stop loving her, or might leave her. One of the most important and loving things I can do when I discuss my orientation with her it to remember that fear, and reassure her.

    If you do decide to raise the possibility that you might seek sex with a woman, start by being honest about how you feel about your guy. If you love him, remind him of that. If you are not doing this to leave him or play games with him (or whatever you think he fears) reassure him. Then get to the part where you are asking him to listen to what you have to ask. And then tell him he has time to think about it. After all, you are taking a while to prepare for the approach to him, you don’t need an instant answer in return.
     
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  6. Oliverrrrr

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    If you've only seen each other for a few months?

    I'd say go and have a few experiences - and if you can deal with it i probably wouldnt even tell him.
    You might find that actually it was fun but you'd be happy to stick with him, or you might find that ALL THE LIGHTS COME ON!!! :grin:

    I'd not want to start another long term relationship without at least exploring a bit - and if you feel that some part of you is crying out for it then it'd not be fair on yourself not to give yourself that opportunity, no matter what his feelings are.
     
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  7. olderwiser

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    Taking thoughts and feelings, stuffing them out of the way is, in my humble opinion, not a good idea. Been there, done that, did not work out at all. What you should ask yourself, "Is this the relationship I want to have no matter what?", if the answer is "no" or "I don't know", then it is time to move on. Do not deny yourself your feelings, it never works out ever. Hope this makes sense... Wish you the best.
     
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  8. LostInDaydreams

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    It sounds like you’ve both been honest from the beginning, so I don’t think you can expect him to change his mind now. Therefore, I suppose it depends on what your priorities are.

    From your post, it seems that you really wanted an open relationship. Given that he doesn’t and said so at the start, why did you continue with the relationship initially? Would it not be better to find somebody who wants the same things as you?
     
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  9. Kmermaid00

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    I continued the relationship because the sex is good.
     
  10. LostInDaydreams

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    But the relationship is not completely what you want, so I guess you could talk to him again but if it’s not something he really wants, then you probably need to think about whether you’re compatible in the long term.
     
    #10 LostInDaydreams, Feb 27, 2020
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2020
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  11. BiGemini87

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    Pretty much what @LostInDaydreams said. I understand wanting to stick it out because you feel you have good chemistry with him, but you also have very different expectations where your relationship goals are concerned. If you want to be in an open relationship and he doesn't, it would be better to cut the cord now than to wait until you've become more attached to one another. Or worse, for you to give in to the urge to cheat on him. Because above all, honesty is important, and if you are honestly unhappy with the way things currently are, you make it known to him and he still doesn't budge (which, to be fair, is okay; I understand not wanting to share), then you need to sit down together and decide what's best for both of you.
     
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  12. Kmermaid00

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    We had a conversation yesterday. He clarified that we aren't in a relationship other than physical. He is ok with me seeing women but not men. Which I am okay with. I was nervous bringing it up and really surprised he said it's ok. I even sent him a text after he went home because I was afraid I had fucked up things and he assured me we are fine and will continue to be as long as I have open communication. I am happy about that.
     
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  13. BiGemini87

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    That's really good to hear. I'm glad things went better than expected and that the two of you are on the same page.
     
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