I'm currently back from a semester at college early with my transphobic family. I haven't told them that I identify as nonbinary, but it's very hard to keep it a secret, and my family sometimes asks about my gender. I'm considering going back to identifying as a woman full-time just to make my life easier, since I can't go anywhere during the pandemic, but... most of the friends I've made in college know I'm transgender, and I'd either have to stop being friends with them or ask them to start referring to me differently. I'm not sure whether it's better to keep my friends and risk living in a hostile living environment, or to improve my living situation and have to cut off contact with most of my friends.
Why do you have to stop being friends with them or have them refer to you differently? Do you see your friends regularly while living at home? If you're living in a transphobic environment, you don't have to tell anyone anything or risk doing anything if it will effect your safety. Has your family said or done anything where you feel unsafe? If you feel like it's in your best interest to stay in the closet while at home, there's no shame in doing so if you feel it's necessary. A lot of people do end up in a sort of limbo where they're out to some people, but not to others, and that's okay. I wouldn't ask your friends to refer to you differently if you feel that's your truth and you're not seeing them regularly at the moment. I'd keep the friends you made there for support, while your back home at this time. I assume you have each others contact information, whether that be social media or phone numbers. If you're worried about being outed to your family, you could always explain your situation to your friends and communicate with them privately.
I should clarify that when my family asks me questions about gender, it's meant to be a hostile act. I'm not even out to my family and they use slurs against me based on speculations about who I am. If I don't start taking actions to prove that I'm not someone they should be aggressive towards, the option of staying in the closet will disappear, because it won't matter who I say that I am-- all that will matter is who they perceive me to be. But training myself to be a completely different person will make me uncomfortable engaging with the trans community anymore, and I'm sure that it wouldn't benefit any of my trans friends to associate with someone who's trying to learn to re-conform to societal expectations of gender. The situation I have to deal with is unfair, but right now, it's only unfair to me. It shouldn't have to be unfair to other people, too. Being nonbinary may be my truth, but it's a truth that I may have to change in order to survive. I just want to make sure that I don't hurt other people through that decision.
Don’t hide your truth. Don’t hide who you really are. Don’t do things that are toxic for yourself just to appease toxic people. Please trust me on this I was at a point just over two years ago where I wanted to die because I was ashamed of what I was feeling. Not just wanting to die, I made an effort to die. It failed but I am glad it did because it gave me the chance to be myself and it gave me the chance to become me become who I was meant to be, not someone who is a lie. If identifying is non-binary is your truth hold onto the truth use that truth to get you through the day. Even when it seems like Family won’t understand, they do. My mother knew exactly what I was talking about when I told her that I couldn’t be who I was raised to be. My work they knew exactly what my meeting was about before it happened. They were loads of people who knew me before I knew me, and when I told them they were happy for me for finally seeing the truth of me. Point being don’t hide yourself because you think others will approve of a lie
While I like what @ChescaC has to say, I might also suggest an alternative being stay closeted with your family and continue to present yourself as a woman, but perhaps play it as a butch or tomboy. When you return to college you can continue to meet your friends as they know you. If you can perhaps keep in touch with your friends via social media and let them know your situation with your family so they don't accidentally out you (I do that myself). And in a few years (or less) you will graduate from college and be out on your own. Then, if you tell your family and they disapprove, you won't have to worry about them kicking you out. In the meantime, keep imagining how wonderful things will be when you are able to live as the person truly you are. Now, if you do decide to go back to being a cis-woman, just tell your friends what you are going through and what you would wish them to call you. If they truly are your friends they will go along with your wishes and continue to support you. That's what friends are for.
