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Conservative parents and how to deal with them not accepting you.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by taire, Jul 7, 2018.

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  1. taire

    taire
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    Hi. I'm 17 and I'm transgender. I am a boy in a girl's body. It's very hard for me to actually write that down or say it out loud due to my internalized fears, but at this point I just seek for advice and a safe space to talk. You see, I have been ashamed of my body ever since I was maybe 13, maybe 14. I came out to myself when I was 15 and I have been binding ever since. However, I'm having troubles with being myself, even though I KNOW who I am. And that is because of my mom. Just a couple hours ago she caught me trying to put my binder on. Long story short, I could not come out to her and ended up trying to convince her that I'm only binding because it's more comfortable for me that way.
    The thing is, she wouldn't have accepted neither me being not very girly NOR me being trans. Have in mind that I love my mom a lot and that we are very close. My brother is an alcoholic, so any discussion about me not following the 'get married - give birth to kids - work - die' scenario ends up becoming a fight, aka 'YOU WILL END UP LIKE YOUR BROTHER'.
    But this thread isn't about alcoholism, haha. Anyway, I know and always knew that mom is conservative, transphobic and homophobic. I am well aware that I can't change her mind. I know she won't ever accept me and if anything, she'll just ignore me and my feelings.
    But there's one thing i would like to ask . How do I accept it? How do I overcome the pain that comes with the realization that I will never be who my mom wants me to be, that I can't make her happy, that I can never be myself with her. How to I deal with not being as close to my mom as I used to be? She has done many bad things, her parenting methods were questionable in some ways, but I still love her to death, I am very scared of the day when she'll leave this world and moreover, I'm terrified of the thought that she won't be satisfied when she dies. She'll die not really knowing and accepting her child, she'll die feeling unhappy about what she leaves after her. And I'll be one of the reasons why. What do I do? How do I deal with this? How can I be myself and make peace with myself if there will always be this thought in my head that will make me feel like crap?
     
    #1 taire, Jul 7, 2018
  2. nemoMous

    nemoMous
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    Hello,
    i can see you are in Russia where it got too hard because of Putin.
    Is there not any possiblility in you country for exance study in another country and
    financial support from organisation if the school&study fee if parents don´t have enough income?
    I think that is one of the few way to have a distance from home for you to bee free and
    get a peaceful eviorement where you can grow mentaly.

    If you country have understanding for mental health, talk to you school counseler/psycology
    or look up for counseler/psycology youth connected to help organisation.
    Don´t give up, it´s only over when you stop looking for help.
     
    #2 nemoMous, Jul 11, 2018
  3. taire

    taire
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    Well, I just graduated school and I plan to study abroad. I'm thinking Germany, because when it comes to school/study fees it seems most accessible. I think my problem is more about how i can make myself stop caring about what my parents think.
     
    #3 taire, Jul 12, 2018
  4. wrndnwun

    wrndnwun
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    Hi, I totally can relate to how you feel. I'm the oldest in my very religious family and for the longest time I felt like I had to live up to and be a certain person that I wasn't. I always felt the need to be the example and to make my parents proud, and not being religious and especially being gay, I felt like I was a huge let down and like I had failed my family. It took me years of running myself into the ground, trying to be someone I wasn't and facing constant depression and internalized resentment towards my family before I finally had enough and had to make the choice of continuing to never truly be happy or to try and live my life the way I wanted to. And let me tell you it wasn't easy at all. It may be hard for your mom to accept, she may not ever truly accept you before she dies. But even if she can never truly accept you, that's not your fault at all, and you owe it to yourself to be who you are and to be happy. You are her son, and if she can't love you for who you are, she has her own things she needs to work though, and that's on her not you. Because that is how you can be the best person you can be, and you deserve that more than anything else. Find people who support you, and rely on them when it's hard, show your mom that you are still a good person and even if you aren't following the path she wants you to, you can still live a fulfilling meaningful life and find success, and who knows, maybe some years down the road she'll realize that and you two will be able to have a good relationship again. It's not up to you to make your mom happy or proud, it's up to you to make yourself happy and proud, and by doing that you will be in a position to strengthen your relationship with her better than you ever have before because you won't have to hide from her. You can't control other people, you can only control yourself, and you should never feel bad for being who you are.

    I hope that helps, I think I got a bit intense there but it's something I really believe in haha :slight_smile:
     
    #4 wrndnwun, Jul 18, 2018
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