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Confusion

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Ozias, Apr 17, 2019.

  1. Ozias

    Ozias Guest

    Summary: Basically I don't know if I'm a trans man or not. Confusion regarding my identity, expression and whether or not I have dysphoria or am overanalyzing what could be dysmorphia. Also I'm not sure if I'm just copying the people around me or faking my emotions. Basically... Send help because what am I?

    So I'm having a bit of trouble with my gender identity and expression.

    For the past few months, I have finally decided to question my gender and things have gotten more than confusing for me. Before I start, I want to make it clear that I understand that there are differences between gender identity and gender expression as well as body dysphoria and body dysmorphia.

    My name is Ozias and I was born a female. As expected, I was raised as one and treated as one. I never really felt fully female though if that makes sense (and yes I know it sounds cheesy but I can't really explain it any other way). I remember when I was younger I felt disgusted when I was told by my dad that I was a girly girl after he found me wearing one of his giant 49ers shirts. I'm a very feminine person and I know that. I love fashion and I'm interested in makeup (though I've never used it) and I like the idea of wearing a skirt (I always wear jeans just cuz they're comfy) but is that just me being a girl?

    I don't know.

    I hate being called a girl, a sister, a daughter, etcetera but I like feminine things. And I guess I like masculine things too. When I was younger I was always jealous of my brother. While I got a room that was pink and flowery he got one that was, well, more stereotypically masculine.

    Ever since I was little I've wanted to have guy friends and shop in the boy's section with my brother and I wanted to be good at sports like the boys in my schools and all that fun stuff. I just assumed it was attraction rather than me wanting to be a boy but now that I'm in my teens and I'm going through puberty, stuff sucks. For most of middle school, I wore hoodies and jeans. And that might've just been because I was a depressed kid who thought baggier clothes or men's clothes were more comfortable but I don't know.

    I had no idea the LGBT community existed until last year when I was dropped in a school that basically catered to LGBT youth. The moment I heard of panromantic and demisexual I just knew. Like oh heY THAT'S ME! But with gender, I didn't look at the possibilities at all. I avoided it like the plague yet I gravitated towards the kids in my school that were transgender or the kids who were nonbinary.

    I feel envious of my brother when he calls me and I hear his voice deepening whereas mine is high and I want a flat chest and I do admittedly want a dick but I feel like I'm faking it all. What if I'm just overanalyzing myself, my experiences and my personality? I'm scared that I'm just faking whatever the heck I'm feeling and I don't want to say that I'm trans or that I'm a boy because I don't want to hurt anyone. I do hate my stomach and I hate my thighs for being fat but that's just dysmorphia not dysphoria. I don't want to make a mistake and say I have dysphoria when I might not...

    I've tried the exercises where they ask you if you could change your sex to your preferred/opposite sex without being able to go back and only looking like whatever your DNA makes you look like and at first I was hesitant to say that I would do it so I compromised with myself by saying I wished I had two bodies.

    But now when I see that question I know I would change to being a cis male without a second thought.

    I do like he/him pronouns hence why I'm experimenting on here and I am planning to legally change my name to Ozias one day for reasons not regarding my gender but things are just so confusing right now. I guess that's why I'm here.

    I'm sorry if this entire thing was jumping around between my ideas and thoughts of expression v.s. identity and dysphoria v.s. dysmorphia but I've tried writing this three times and at this point, this is the closest thing to coherent that I'm going to get.
     
  2. Ozias

    Ozias Guest

    Also if anyone has any suggestions or can relate please tell me things have gotten really weird lately. Thanks
     
  3. quebec

    Moderator Full Member

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    Ozias.....Hello and a very big welcome to empty closets! There are a lot of great people here and now there is one more!! :old_smile: The confusion you're experiencing is not unusual at all...there are a lot of people who don't feel like they fit into societies neat little male or female boxes. :old_frown: There is a sub-forum here on EC that could be really helpful to you... its title is "Gender Identity and Expression". Why don't you post there as there are quite a few EC'ers on that forum who have gone through or are going through things very much like what you are experiencing? We are so glad that you have found us here on empty closets! Please keep us updated on how you are doing...remember you are a part of our LGBTQ Family and we do care!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag: