1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Confused

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by 2Confused, Apr 23, 2020.

  1. 2Confused

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 23, 2020
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hi all,
    I am very confused about what is going on with me. For context, I'm a demisexual (which I believe means I am generally only attracted to people I have a connection with, if I'm using the term wrong please let me know). For a very long time now I have been suppressing romantic feelings for girls. Nothing overtly sexual, until the other night when I felt a physical attraction to a woman. I'm nervous because up until then I always thought I was heterosexual, but now I don't know what to think. I feel like I could be bisexual, and it terrifies me, as I was raised in a homophobic home. What do I do? How do I discern my sexuality? I am a young adult in college, so I have some independence, but is it just a stage? I don't know what to think. ANY advice helps!
    Have a great day,
    Confused
     
  2. Laurennnn

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 22, 2020
    Messages:
    24
    Likes Received:
    8
    Location:
    Massachusetts, USA
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi CoNfUsEd
    LaUrEn HeRe!
    Okay, so welcome to EC :slight_smile: Glad you're here!
    Well, first of all, good for you for coming to terms with your feelings. It's great that you're recognizing those suppressed feelings - those are really hard to deal with.
    Sexuality, like most things, is a spectrum. Things on spectrums are usually hard to understand. So don't feel bad if you don't understand your sexuality at first!
    Speaking from a bIsExUaL pErSpEcTiVe, it's one of the most difficult sexualities to figure out. It's really hard to understand those feelings - you'll think, oh, that guy was super hot, I'm straight, and then look over at some random girl and think she's really cute. That, and also the backlash you're met with (you're confused, it's just a phase, that just means you're gay right? Like ugh shut up), it's really difficult to figure out if you're bi or not.
    If you've been feeling attraction to guys for most of your life until you suddenly stopped and randomly started liking girls, then you might be gay. OR, you might be bi with a preference to girls. Keeping up with labels is reaaaaaally hard. So, maybe experiment! Go meet some girls, see what you think! You have independence now, you said it yourself. Meet some guys too and you can compare!
    Homophobia is really hard to deal with, but you can just lie by omission all you want as long as you're away at college. They don't need to know your personal business anyways.
    This isn't a race - take all the time you need to figure out your feelings. YOU GOT THIS!!!!!
     
    2Confused likes this.
  3. 2Confused

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 23, 2020
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Lauren,

    Thank you so much! That was really helpful
     
  4. Kayl

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 20, 2017
    Messages:
    39
    Likes Received:
    8
    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Hi! I don't know how much help I can be, but I'll give it a shot.
    I also identify as demisexual, and I am primarily interested in girls even though I've had a serious crush on a guy before.
    I think that's an accurate summary of identifying as bi, or pan for that matter. It's also really hard when you don't have the most supportive environment. My parents are also blatantly homophobic, which meant there was a lot of denial at the beginning. I didn't want to be "unnatural," so I fought it, but slowly my feelings broke through and won the battle. Although I am not (I think) bi, I do want to say that it is uncommon for romantic and sexual orientation to not line up. It's not impossible, and I don't know you, but it is uncommon. If you say that you have been romantically attracted to girls for a while, I would not be surprised if you also feel sexual attraction. If you still feel equally attracted to guys, then yes, it sounds like bi to me. Can I ask, are you romantically interested in guys too? If it seems like you only like guys sexually, it's possible that you're gay and still coming to terms with it. Please don't hate me for suggesting it, I just remember the days when I was trying to convince myself I was still "technically heterosexual" even though I crushed on girls. You know yourself the best.
    There's no easy way to define how you feel, but again as Laurennnn mentioned, sexuality is a spectrum and not a clear cut yes or no. There is such a thing as "a little bit bi" with a leaning for one gender over another. Don't feel pressured to decide on a label yet, or even at all. It seems unfamiliar and intimidating when you start out, and there may be a pressure to identify with a specific group, but some people do find it easier to leave it at "queer." You have all the time in the world, and learning who you are can be a long journey for some. After all, there are still people coming out in their later adult years. Sometimes only time will tell, after experience with both guys and girls you can identify as bi, or prefer one gender. Definitely see what you learn from your college experience, as long as you are safe to express yourself and it won't get back to your parents. Coming out gets kind of ugly when you aren't sure of yourself :confused:, and aren't prepared for a negative reaction. It's not ideal, but try not to let them stop you from being yourself.
    Best of luck!
     
  5. olderwiser

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 24, 2020
    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    26
    Location:
    california
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Welcome to EC. I discovered, not too long ago, that I am indeed bisexual and guess what, it is not so bad. As a matter of fact it is down right freeing! Just because you were raised in a homophobic atmosphere does not mean you have to stay that way. Being in college is a time of learning both of academic lessons and personal lessons. Maybe following those thoughts of other ladies might be just what you need to do. I cannot remember how many times I had thoughts I did not follow up on and now wonder how that might have gone. Remember, Just Do It!
     
  6. BiGemini87

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2019
    Messages:
    337
    Likes Received:
    186
    Location:
    Petawawa, ON
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi, Confused! Given your post, I'd say it's a pretty strong possibility that you are bi or pan (whichever seems most comfortable/accurate to you). I guess the questions you need to ask yourself are: Do you still find guys attractive? If you think back, were there other times where you felt odd around girls that could have been attraction, but you mistook for something else? As a demisexual, it probably will be a little harder to suss out, since you need to have a connection first--which seems pretty natural for a lot of people--but since connecting with people on that level isn't always possible, it might be harder to work out.

    Most importantly, don't force yourself on this. Try to be patient with yourself, and as hard as it is, try not to let past assumptions or the attitudes of others impede your ability to work this out. I know it's hard to accept the possibility of not being hetero, and when you've had experiences that make you feel ashamed to even consider yourself other than, it can be worse--but just know, whatever your orientation, there is nothing shameful about it. It might take you awhile to figure out what it is and afterwards, to stop feeling afraid/uncomfortable regarding it, but you'll get there. :slight_smile: