Hi. I am a 24-year-old Indian girl from Mumbai and I've never been in a relationship until recently. I met my now girlfriend in New York 10 months back while I was studying there and we had an instant connection. However, prior to this, I thought I was straight. Call it the heteronormative conditioning but being anything but straight is never an option for any Indian kids. I never considered being gay as an option (for myself) until I crossed paths with this beautiful girl (now my girlfriend). My parents, of course, had their eyes set on getting me married by the next year and here I am in a long distance same-sex relationship. I am confused if I am lesbian just this once or that's who I am? (I have a beautiful relationship with her and she's amazing.) I question because I came out to my joint family (parents + uncle's family) as Bi- Sexual (mostly because I thought I am obviously attracted to boys..like how everyone is) and they are convinced in their own right that I am straight and are trying every trick to "correct" / "cure" me. Must Mention: I have always been a very strong LGBTQ Ally and conform to a lot of things that I was experiencing as compulsory heterosexuality and not genuine attraction to men... Could you help!
Hello there. Welcome to Empty Closets! I'm a 28 year old from Southern India. Now that the introduction is out of the way )), let me try and give my two cents (or paise! ) here. I totally agree with what you said about heteronormative conditioning. We are exposed to it everyday and grow up under it, so it is perfectly normal to be confused about things, especially sexuality. Since you have a girlfriend now, I would assume that you tried dating and perhaps met through that? Apologies if I was being presumptive. In that case there is a possibility you are either a Lesbian or a Bi-Sexual. I'm not ruling anything else out either, but since I don't have a lot of information apart from whatever you wrote in your post, that is what I'm inferring. To address coming out to family as a bi-sexual, I personally know a lot of people in the community in my city who've done the same. Some of them came out to their parents while others came out to friends, and more importantly, themselves as Bi-Sexual. In their case however, it was the easy way out, (Their opinion. Not mine) as it is easier to try and convince parents by showing Bi-Sexuality as a compromise, versus being Gay or Lesbian. The only I say this, is so that you go ahead to discover whether you feel your a bi-sexual or a lesbian. Maybe talk to your girlfriend and try to find out, notice things like how you feel around boys vs girls and things like that. With her support and help, I'm sure you can discover it. Be patient. As for parents wanting to get you married, how long do you have? I'm asking this, since you say you met your girlfriend 10 months ago while studying in NY. I'm assuming you're still there, and that you have atleast another year in hand before you either get a job in USA and stay there (OR) return to India?
Haha! I actually was not actively trying to date. We just happened to meet each other at dance lessons and before we knew it we were kind of going for each other. I have been attracted to boys before. But only till the point where it's harmless flirting. Anything more and I'm out! My girlfriend and I have been talking about it, honestly, the more I think I lean towards lesbianism. And I know a label isn't necessary but with the kind of parents that we have as Indian kids, they expect us to have it all figured out. I'm back in India and therefore decided to come out to my parents. Now, they've taken me to an aura therapist, they constantly ask me to change myself because "dil nahi maan ta" and have been throwing a lot of emotional trauma at me. They think my girlfriend has brainwashed and trapped me. (WTH!!!) Honestly, I came out as Bi sexual for two reasons. 1) Because I thought its safer. 2) Because of the heteronormative conditioning i guess. i thought all girls are attracted to boys obviously .. but then I also happen to like girls!
I can understand that. Dance lessons seems like the perfect place to meet! Maybe I'll start heading to a few zumba centers myself. Ah. The aura therapist. I can understand that too. I've seen my fair share of astrologists, Priests, Babas (Holy Men) and psychologists/psychiatrists. My own uncle (a reputed Scholar, Astrologist and researcher in his own right) tried to brainwash me too. Ha ha. Parents need time to accept the "change" because of their own heteronormative and homophobic upbringing. It gets even worse when they're orthodox and narrow-minded in addition to the former. As for the "brainwashing" and "trapping" yupp. I've got that too from my parents, they kept blaming my friends till I pointed out that they've always had a problem with the company I've had for years.
