Hey, So, I’ve been best mates with a boy for around 5 years now (since we were 14). When we were around 15/16 we both used to joke about our sexuality and what percent “gay” we were. We’d hold hands, leave lingering touches, hold/hug each other when we shared beds. I eventually told him I loved him one new year when we were 16 and he told me that he loved me too. I tried to develop things but he was always hesitant and I was also similarly always doubtful and confused by our relationship (eg extremely close friends? Curious? Or more?). Going onto 17/18 I became more open with him and certain about my own sexuality, I never felt the need to come out to him, I knew that he just knew and didn’t care. He started dating a girl he’d liked for awhile and on my 18th birthday when drunk I came out to a different friend. I went to him straight after as I just needed to confide in him; he hugged me and cried, I’d never seen him cry until that day. I’ve cried to him many times when drunk over my struggles with my sexuality and he has a couple of times replied semi-angrilly that “Youre not the only one”. This sometimes gives me the impression that he is not talking generally but rather specifically referring to himself? Our relationship is different now at age 19, due both to maturing/developing and also I believe due to his relationship. We ofcourse no longer hold hands and no longer hug if we share a bed however we have started wrestling. This probably sounds abit strange aha but let me explain. We have an extremely jokey relationship, whenever we are with each other there’s usually lots of jokes and laughing which sometimes leads into jokey physical shoving when we push the line with our jokes. Around 6 months ago this shoving developed into full on wrestling. It’s hard to explain aha but basically when we “finish” wrestling or get tired it often leaves one us resting atop the other, holding each other; and we sometimes just stay that way for a few minutes. Often when messing around our faces also get right next to each other too. (Like our noses are touching and we stare into each other eyes). Baring in mind I’ve loved him for virtually the last 5 years I’m sure you can imagine my urges aha. Again with the jokey atmosphere we often do other things like if one of us is eating, we might offer the other food which leads to one feeding it to the other (like by hand). So yeh, I just find it all very confusing because a lot of the small acts we do I view as kinda flirty, like feeding food to each other, laying atop each other and holding each other for longer than I often feel is necessary, but nothing every serious. I just question whether maybe he still has some feelings towards me or whether I’m just being wishful and nostalgic. I get angry sometimes as I feel like maybe he plays/flirts with me when he’s in the mood cause he knows I’ll always reciprocate but at the same time he is not always reciprocal with me and can be quite blunt/rude in avoiding me/pushing me away. Like I’ll put my hand on his shoulder and squeeze it (which he does to me all the time) and he’ll just look at me with a disapproving look and be like “what are you doing, why are you squeezing my shoulder”. It just frustrates me sometimes. Anyone experienced similar/got tips?
As tempting as it is may be for you to entertain this idea, I think you'd be better off not pursuing a relationship with your friend. I have been in your situation a couple of times before, and I remember in my experiences that it's certainly exciting to notice and ponder the little hints you think your friend is giving you. That being said, it's important to remember that your friend has given a couple of indications that he doesn't identify as gay. Unless 1) you are honest with him about your feelings, or 2) he confides in you about his sexuality/interest in you, I think it would be a little disingenuous to entertain this idea as it goes beyond the boundaries of a typical friendship. Part of friendship is trust that the other person will respect the boundaries of your friendship to preserve that relationship as it is. If you want your friendship to remain as it is, I don't recommend asking him about this or pushing the boundaries. Enjoy the joking that you do right now and let your friendship develop comfortably. If he's not entirely straight, in time he may feel comfortable admitting to himself or others about his sexuality. Tough situation to be in, I know. But typically these are just crushes and will pass in time.
