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confused over orientation

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Ctt1985, Apr 29, 2020.

  1. Ctt1985

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    Hi everybody, I’m new to this site and to this way of connecting with people so please bare with me. I’m in my early forties and have had sexual feelings towards guys as long as I can remember but always pushed them to one side. I have had a few relationships with women, one leading to marriage and a daughter, found none of them fulfilling . I’ve always watched porn leading to an almost addicted state which caused problems in the relationships. The porn I watched was straight and although I found the girls attractive I imagined i was the female role in the movie, where as I think most straight guys would put themselves in the mans role. I am currently in an on off relationship with a girl which is ok but again I feel confused and would like to try meeting guys but I’m nervous as regards that I’ve misread my feelings. This has gone on for years in this basic state and has caused serious mental health issues. I’m so confused over my sexuality and I guess my gender as I’m quite feminine. As you can tell I’ve just blurted this out and I hope someone can make sense of this and give me some advice
     
  2. ChescaC

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    Wow, lot of information right here. I'm going to try and break it down the best I can.
    First off, your relationships: from what you stated, it seems as though you've only ever had long term relations with women. Don't worry, this doesn't diminish your bisexuality, I'm just trying to break things down. Ones Sexual Identity isn't at all fixed throughout their life.
    Porn, you stated that you've watched it to the point of addiction, but you also did mention that you would imagine yourself in the position of the women. Now I must ask, are you them, or are you female in that scenario?
    This on/off relationship you're in, how serious is it? Did the two of you agree that seeing other people while not 'on' is okay?
    As for trying to meet blokes, sometimes you've just got to take that plunge and make an attempt. Go Admiral Farragut, if you will.
    If you're not yet seeing a therapist for the mental health stuff, I'd highly recommend it.
    And now onto gender, and this is a huge one. You've stated that you are quite feminine, now is this you're feminine or Feminine?
    That being, do you see yourself more as a man or a woman?
    If the former, I don't think I can really offer up any advice, I was never very good as a male.
    If however, it's the latter; try "Girl Moding" it in public, that is present as female, see how it makes you feel, and yes it may take some time. It took me 6 months of doing it off and on before I had done it one night for karaoke(a question from a little girl to her mother also probably helped me realise that night). At first, it was just for fun. But later, as I Became more and more comfortable, I did it because I felt good, I would feel complete when I became "Frankie Winter"(Which happened to also be my then Drag Persona), and so I let her out more and more. Until finally She became Me.
    When it comes to Gender Identity, the hardest person to convince is also the best person we can convince, and you are never too old to transition. If that is something you think you may want to do. For all I know, your "Girl Moding" could lead you to discovering that you are Genderfluid. No ones journey is identical, and while we may have similar steps in our journeys, each road ends at its own unique door.
     
  3. Ctt1985

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    Thanks for the response and apologies for the post being a bit unorganised but it all kind of flooded out. As regards counselling I have had a counsellor previously but he wasn’t very good and I knew what I wanted to tell him but was to afraid to go down that route . he seemed to be more interested in my childhood.
    I’m not sure about my mannerisms, I see guys who are as camp as me and are straight so this isn’t really anything to go on, but just know I don’t fit in with my masculine friends.
    My current relationship unfortunately isn’t open and she is under the impression that I love her which sometimes I feel I do. I will go for a while and things are fine but all the feelings about guys come back and cause me issues so I hide away from her but after a while I manage to get a grip on my feelings ( usually after a lot of masturbation) and then go back to her. This is a pattern I’ve been stuck in for a while . I think when lockdown is over I’m gonna have to bite the bullet and go and meet someone. Have been chatting on a few sites but always change my mind after a while of chatting with someone.
     
  4. Lgbtqpride

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    You are gay.You had sexual feelings towards guys and you had repress it. You found relationship with woman to be unfulfilling.You imagine yourself as the woman when watching porn, alot of gay man do that.You should meet guys and had sex with guys.
     
  5. Meleager

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    Hi. If you don't mind me asking, what do you mean by "bite the bullet and meet someone"? It might be important to socialise informally first, just making friends who know about your situation. If there is some kind of pressure or expectation of a relationship/sex, it's perhaps not surprising you'd think twice and give up on it. And lockdown is making a lot of people unusually impatient. Are you actually just saying that you'll be able to control your feelings and go back to your girlfriend after you've been with a man, the same as with masturbation? Or do you think a relationship is a way to start figuring out your gender? Maybe, if porn (sex) has caused you problems in the past, thinking about what kind of relationship would make you happy should come first, even if it's slower. It sounds as though you're saying you feel fine when you're 'spent', so you're exhausting your sex drive to balance your life. Which probably won't help you lead a life that supports your desires rather than contradicting them. Best not to do something that would confuse you more and result in you leading several different lives at once, if you know what I mean.
    Sorry if I've misunderstood you or offended you with all these questions!