I've had a weird year. Finally came to terms with the fact that I am much more attracted to women than I am men. This, after marrying a man, having a child, and leaving my husband a few months ago. We had other issues, he was not kind to me, and has some mental health issues, but one of the other issues (which he guessed about) was that I finally admitted to myself that I have a huge crush on a close friend of mine (a woman) and have had for years. We've been friends for about five years, our kids are friends. I don't know how she feels about me (she's single), but we have some weird interactions sometimes, like weird vibes/chemistry (unless I'm imagining things!). I've never heard of her dating girls- she was married before (to a guy!), but she did tell me that she would absolutely date a woman if she met the right person. So...not off the table at least. I'm not so much confused anymore, I'm pretty sure this is who I am, after thinking back to my childhood/teen years...I told my mom when I was 11 that I might like girls. She said ok but the look in her eyes said otherwise so I dropped it. Then, in my teen years I had a few crushes on girls, I thought they were really, really great (one boyfriend even knew how much I liked a friend of mine) but I never even considered an actual relationship with a girl, I've just had all these fantasies about being with a woman....my whole life! I started to realize that maybe it wasn't entirely heterosexual to always have fantasies about women I knew (and I definitely have a specific type of woman I'm attracted to!) I've told a few friends of mine (not my crush), they're ok with it. Sort of told my mom, but not really. Going through a difficult separation with my husband (he said "it's ok if you're a lesbian, I still want to be with you"), so not looking for a relationship in the least. But I feel more confident about saying that I'm attracted to women, and can see myself opening up to my family and friends about this- because it's just me. But what a journey...wish I'd had the courage to acknowledge this 25 years ago (I'm 41)....and not waste so much time on guys I wasn't really interested in! Thank you for reading...just wanted to share my story...enjoy reading this forum!
Loved your story thank you for sharing. I'm (32) and have similar thoughts of why I didn't allow myself to deal with me earlier, before my kids and wonder husband enter the picture. Now it feels very complicated and frustrating.
Are your kids okay? Or just one kid? I am married, came out to my husband as bi, he said if i told him i was a lesbian, hed leave me. I cheated on him with a wonderful woman but ended it after he found out. I chose to stay in my marriage and seeks therapist and God, after advice. BUT i am severelt struggling. I hate living this lie of a life and not being myself and with a woman, but i cant stomach the thought of a divorce and my breaking my kids hearts. Theyre 6 and 3. Others in similar boat but chose divorce?
I think they are okay this far. I have three kids, they are 7, 4, and almost 2. I haven't label myself I feel very confused still even though I know I have had a major crush on a woman in my life since I was 17. She knows now how I feel and the relationship has become rocky to say the least. I try doing the religious road for all this year and I feel it was partially pointless since I hoped that would make this part of me go away and here I am again. Divorce scares me because I know I would cause a lot of pain to my children and husband. Besides my family nor his will never forgive me if I was the one to ask for it. And I agree, life sucks. My professional life is fulfilling so there are plenty of good days but the bad ones are awful. Today was one of those, and I'm not very sure how I made it out OK.
I'm so sorry you guys are struggling! This is not easy at all.....my marriage had become really rocky over the past few years, which made leaving easier (but not easy!), and I just felt like this "other thing" - being attracted to women propelled through the whole crisis. My ex is really taking it hard though, he finally confronted me one day, in tears, and said "I know why you don't want to work on our marriage, why did you never tell me you were a lesbian, or bi?" And why didn't I tell him...because I didn't know, or more likely never wanted to know! I thought I could always push these thoughts aside forever, and live a regular hetero life with marriage/kids etc. I grew up in a community where to be gay was a sin (though my family wasn't religious many of my friends are and I had lots of intense discussions with them about homosexuality throughout our teen years!). I think my parents sort of know...since I used to have the same discussions with them about how homosexuality wasn't a sin from the time I was 12- and my mom knew I had a huge crush on a girl when I was 17 (a girl I later found out was bi- I was devastated when I found that out, because looking back I think she had been interested in me, and I felt like I'd lost my chance to be with a girl forever!) But it's not easy...it was easier for me to leave because my husband and I had so many issues (he has mental health issues, I told him to get help for years, which he ignored, until I left), and he emotionally/financially abused me (which he completely acknowledges that he did). But now he wonders why I won't work on things with him...he called me last week, ranting and raving and saying "Your dirty little secret", which made me MAD because why should this be a "dirty little secret"? It's not 1950! I was ok living in my marriage until I met my crush...then I realized that I just couldn't carry on like this anymore, that I had to acknowledge all these feelings I'd pushed aside for years. I still don't even know if she has feelings for me or not (we're good friends, but so far nothing's happened), and I figured that even if nothing ever happens with her, in particular (though I would die of happiness if it did!), on balance, my life will be better off by not being with my husband, and maybe even one day being completely out in the world. I can see it happening, and I feel like I've always known this would happen- it was always in the back of my mind that one day I would leave and be with a woman (whoever she may be!) Good luck to all....nice to read your replies!
Wow. So happy and proud you had the courage to be happy and to be your true self. If i didnt have kids, id have left my hubby years ago. I just cant stomach the thought of making my kids so sad. I do have a crush and she happens to have a crush on me. I cant do anything about it because i am married. I hate living this way and just feel like i cant anymore.
I am so sorry to hear you are having a hard time...have you thought about how it would look for your kids if you left? Would it really be so terrible? I can't answer for you, maybe it would be unbearable! I'm about to go to mediation with my ex regarding parenting time of our daughter, so things may get rocky for me as well, and maybe I will regret leaving because of the chaos. I'm not so sure though. It just came to a point that I realized I couldn't continue to live the life I'd been living. I also couldn't stay with my husband while harbouring these feelings for my crush. How could I go to bed every night with him beside me, while I dreamed about her? He deserves better too (despite the way he treated me). It was almost like I didn't even have to think too hard about it, I just did it. My husband called me cold and heartless many times (I've heard that from guys my whole life, because I pretty much broke up with every guy I ever dated). But it was like waking up, meeting her, and seeing her, and realizing life could be much, much more. Even though I don't even know if she likes me in that way (I have funny suspicions though!), I just couldn't keep living the lie that I was completely straight and didn't have these feelings. I thought I could control my feelings, and I did for my whole life, until one day I couldn't. Denial is a pretty comfortable place to live Maybe it's not the right time for you to leave. Only you can decide that. But you only get one life. (That sounds selfish I know!)
