1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Confused by her

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by A hove, Aug 8, 2019.

  1. A hove

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 26, 2019
    Messages:
    14
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    San Antonio
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Soooo Hello everyone,
    I’ve been using this website for a while as it has helped me gain retrospect on my entire situation. Although, I would love to hear some opinions, so bare with me if you can.

    I am a 22 year old and I’m a lesbian. I’ve known this since I was about 15 when I found myself attracted to one of my teammates in high school, ending in a secret “relationship.” Took my 4 years to come out to one of my friends that I met at college. Since then I have came out to a lot of my friends in college and am feeling more confident.

    Now to the story, I met a friend, we will call her Morgan. Morgan and I have always had a different friendship, but I always assumed she was straight as she always had a boy she was talking about. After a while, I started to gain feelings for her, after I felt like she was starting to flirt with me and had the same feelings. Even though e have a connection, I was always protecting my heart to not fall into the “straight girl trap” again and fall in love with someone who can’t love me back. But then, we hooked up once when we were both drunk.. and then ignored it. I was black out so I didn’t remember the next morning and she didn’t tell me until 5 months later, I think she was confused herself. Over those 5 months, I felt as if there was something between us, but we never told each other. Then she gets a boyfriend and 4 months in we hook up again!! She tells me she would never do this with anyone else and that I was the only person she would have sex with other than her bf. But we didn’t just have sex... we made love and she was into it, for a second time. Then she tells me that she actually has hooked up with a girl in high school too and has kissed a few girls before. I think I might be the only girl she has ever had strong feelings for and that makes me happy. We confessed on a drink night that our friendship has always been different and we have this connection that we can feel. I’ve started to give up as she is still with her bf and I respect that. The only problem is we are hiding how we feel in front of our friends and her bf. Although, I think that he has started to catch on to the feelings we have for each other. She is the most confusing person when I’m with her because i know how she feels but deep down I think she has been suppressing it this whole time. I don’t blame her. This is the first girl in so long that has truly caught my heart like she has. She was the first friend at my new college that I admitted my orientation to, and we wernt the closest either. There’s undeniable sexual tension between us that makes it awkward to hangout by ourselves, it’s like we don’t know what to do or say. We have never really been able to... I have known her for almost 3 years now and my feelings haven’t changed. Should I give up? Do y’all think she is bisexual and isn’t ready?
     
  2. A hove

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 26, 2019
    Messages:
    14
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    San Antonio
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Also I forgot to mention that we have a really close friend group and have been close since we met each other.
     
  3. silverhalo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2008
    Messages:
    10,197
    Likes Received:
    3,321
    Location:
    England,
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I don't necessarily think you should just give up, I know it's difficult and sometimes awkward but what you really need to do is have a really open and honest conversation with her about how both of you feel, and what both of you would like and then how you are going to move forward from here.
    Of course despite the fact you both have feelings is only one piece in the puzzle, she also has to want to commit to giving it a go and that is really what you need to find out. From what you have written, it sounds like you would definitely want to give it a go if she wanted to so I think you just have to talk to her. If she doesn't want to then my advice would be, not to sleep with her again because first and foremost her boyfriend but then also just because I think that will in time her you.
     
    A hove likes this.
  4. TwoFeech

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2019
    Messages:
    55
    Likes Received:
    25
    Location:
    wisconsin
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    What advice would you give to someone who told this same story to you, about themselves?

    I see silverhalo left a much nicer reply than the one I've been writing, while I was working on this.

    If you want somewhat more ranty input:

    This is my personal interpretation of what you have told us here: It doesn't matter whether Morgan is bisexual or not. Everything about this story is unfair in her favor.

    You drank until you couldn't remember the events of the night (don't do that!) and you and she had sex, and she remembered it and you did not, and she did not inform you that this happened, *for five months*. She withheld key info about your sexual activities for five months. You felt that something was going on, but because you are not sure of her feelings, you didn't say anything. Meanwhile, she knew what had happened, she was sure of your feelings, and had been involved in a sex act with you, and kept it quiet from you. Unless she absolutely thought for certain that you remembered what had happened, this is one of several problems in this story.

    She got a boyfriend, which, even if she's with him for sincere reasons, is very convenient for her when it comes to anything she engages in romantically with you. You feel like have to stay quiet about it, and she has got this excuse that she has to stay quiet about it, because she has a boyfriend. And *then* she has sex with you. When there's a boyfriend involved, so anything between the two of you is something she wants to keep secret and wants you to keep secret. She cheated on her boyfriend, and you helped her cheat. I was going to initially ask whether the boyfriend knew this hook-up was happening or knew that she sees girls, but some of the stuff you said later makes me think he is completely in the dark, and she's got that as yet another way to convince herself and you that anything between you needs to be a secret.

    Huge red flag. I have a hard time expressing articulately why "You're special, I never x with anyone but you" is a creepy way to keep someone on a string, but it is. I feel like I should be able to validate this with actual language instead of just "ew, no". (I let it sit and came back to it later and I think why it's creepy is it's a shortcut to someone's heart. She can say it, she doesn't have to follow through, it thrills you and keeps you on a string. It also, in her specific case, makes it "less bad" that she's cheating on her boyfriend--by having a hook-up one time, and flirting with you the rest of the time--as long as "she wouldn't do it with anyone else", it's an exception to her "rule" and she gets away with it morally, in her mind only. This is me trying to put words to why this is a red flag; she might not think those things at all, but it really makes me twitch.)

    You say that you and Morgan hiding how you feel is a problem, so you must have some kind of difficulty with it. Do you want/need her to be open with her feelings for you? Her pattern so far shows a distinct desire to be anything but open. You want to be open, she does not, right? And she can always say, and you go along with the idea, that her having a boyfriend prevents her from being honest. This is backward logic.

    Don't fall into the fallacy that close friend groups need to do everything together. If you want to reduce the flirting and uncomfortable energy, make time to do things individually with others in the group, away from Morgan, and put yourself into fun social situations with new people so you can create new connecting and separate groups.

    Whether you give up or not--meaning, whether you start to lessen contact or not--depends on what you're getting out of this relationship, and what you want to get out of it. It sounds from your post as though you get the fantasy of imagining she might one day break up with her boyfriend and be with you, and you get the sexual tension and flirting energy that you have every time you're alone with her. Maybe you're into this stuff and want it to continue. Maybe you posted here with this story because you're exploring what you want out of this, what you get out of this. You have control over the energy and what you do with it.

    Your subject header says a lot by itself. A good friendship or romantic relationship that makes you confused needs some serious examination by one or both parties.

    It's okay and good to feel happy about something like that. The question to ask yourself is, are you satisfied with her having those feelings and never taking it beyond the situation you're in now?

    Morgan might be having too much fun being in a crush situation with you to realize that she's unconsciously manipulating you, but whether you let her keep doing this is up to you.
     
    Delphine and A hove like this.
  5. A hove

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 26, 2019
    Messages:
    14
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    San Antonio
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I really appreciate the time that y’all put in to reply to this message. Honestly, you’re right. Even if she does have these feelings for me, it might not be as serious to her, as it is to me. Considering her bf in all of this, I do feel bad that I let that happen, I let my emotions decide for me. I really like this girl and it hurts, but I guess the best way is to let it go. Sometimes I feel like I’m over it and then I’m in a situation when I’m with her again and I can’t help but want her. Distance. I need to distance myself is what I am concluding from these replies. Yes, I would love to have a happy ending with her, but everything has been a secret and it’s not fair to me.
     
  6. A hove

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 26, 2019
    Messages:
    14
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    San Antonio
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I think that from out of all of this she hasn’t wanted to be honest with me and I can’t figure out why.
     
  7. A hove

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 26, 2019
    Messages:
    14
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    San Antonio
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I think I posted this because I need some clarity on how I need to handle the situation. I don’t think she plans on being honest. I think the time she spends with me pleases her, and then she goes home to the safety of her boyfriend. For me on the other hand, I have been working so hard with myself to be able to have an open relationship with someone and this is not what I deserve. I will always feel some sort of what when I am with her and distance would definitely help me in that area. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this and I get it now. She never wanted to be open with me, you are right. I don’t think she wants to necessarily be bisexual but she trust me and I’m close to her and that makes her feel better. At the end of the day, she chose someone else and she doesn’t mind stringing me a long without ever asking how I feel. I guess at this point if she thought it was worth it we would be together, because she knows deep down how I feel about her and knows that I would date her. Sad day, but someone is out there is ready for me and I can’t wait to meet her.
     
    Delphine likes this.
  8. A hove

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 26, 2019
    Messages:
    14
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    San Antonio
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    And quite frankly, right now it feels like she has both of us, whenever she wants.
     
  9. TwoFeech

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2019
    Messages:
    55
    Likes Received:
    25
    Location:
    wisconsin
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Amen. You nailed it right down the line. Good for you on being self-aware and exploring this before the boyfriend inevitably finds out or you and Morgan succumb to temptation and the drama happens. You can get out pre-drama. Kinda better for you if you can keep your relationships from looking like a college AU fan fiction. :wink:

    It's hard to distance yourself. :frowning2: But just being civil and polite, and nothing more, not engaging in gossip or the kind of stuff you would do with close friends, and being cautious not to be alone with her, and avoiding drinking nights with that group of friends ... all of that will open up that space in your life for other close friends and more.
     
  10. silverhalo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2008
    Messages:
    10,197
    Likes Received:
    3,321
    Location:
    England,
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    You are right hiding in secret is not fair and it pretty much never ends up in happiness for anyone and given she has a boyfriend, distancing yourself is certainly a tempting option. I wonder though have you ever expressed the fact you aren't happy with the way things are right now? Does she know for sure that you want it to be more than it is? If so then great stepping away and distance is definitely the right thing. Sometimes in these situations I think we assume that things that are obvious to us, like how much you like her, are also obvious to the person on the receiving end of the feelings and more often than not, that's not the case.

    Let's take the not talking about the fact you had sex for 5 months, maybe Twofeech is right and she was keeping it from you, but I have to say that wasn't my first thought when I read your post. My first thought was that she was probably unaware that you didn't remember it and so in her mind it was just something that neither of you were talking about, perhaps because she was worried it would be awkward or because she didn't know what to say.

    Maybe her feelings aren't what yours are, and maybe she doesn't want to come out and if that's the case then that's fine, move on. I just don't want you to end up always wondering what if.
     
    DirectionNorth likes this.
  11. A hove

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 26, 2019
    Messages:
    14
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    San Antonio
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    You make some very valid points in that reply and I really appreciate it. Actually, I have no fully expressed to her how I feel and how all of this has made me feel. I kind of push it to the side when I’m with her because she is my “friend,” whatever that means nowadays, and I don’t want it to be weird around our other friends. Makes it hard to tell someone you have a problem with a situation that no one can know about. The boyfriend has been giving me these bad vibes lately though. Probably because she is all over me when we are all drinking together and she doesn’t do that with anyone else when I’m not around. Honestly, I still think it would be awkward talking about our feelings with each other so I’m sure she thought it would be. We’re supposed to be close friends, she’s my sister’s big in our sorority, and that’s how it’s “always been.” Although, it has always been different between us and it never felt like any of my other friendships I have, I think we were just kinda put in that position from the start. I think that guys are always after her and being with a guy is easier in the long run. But I think with me, she gets to explore that with someone she actually has feelings for, trust, and can be kept a secret. Who would expect that one of her close friends cheated on her boyfriend with her? Answers please.
     
  12. A hove

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 26, 2019
    Messages:
    14
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    San Antonio
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Adding on to that, I don’t want to be completely honest with her for several reasons.
    First, she has a boyfriend and I don’t want to interfere, even though I guess I already have.
    I don’t want to put it all out there and make it that much more real for us, being that we are in a close friend group. Things can’t be weird between us for absolutely no reason at all, from what they know anyways.
    Second, I can’t expect her to just break up with her boyfriend and run to me. That would never work, especially when no one has any idea, it would be like a bomb went off in our lives. Not everyone knows I’m lesbian and no one knows she is possible bisexual. I feel like I am a big reach for her and this is the closest she will get, even though I thought that previously...
     
  13. silverhalo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2008
    Messages:
    10,197
    Likes Received:
    3,321
    Location:
    England,
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    There is a chance that talking about it honestly would be awkward at least to begin with because there is so many feelings and things involved. You say you don't want to be honest because you don't want it to be awkward around your other friends but if she is usually all over you and then all of a sudden you distance yourself from her your friends are going to notice that too I'm sure and then it is potentially going to look like more. Nobody would probably guess that you guys were together behind her boyfriends back but talking to her about it doesn't mean that has to become public knowledge and you have to air your dirty laundry in public.
    Telling her how you feel is not specifically asking her to break up with her boyfriend and run to you, it's giving her all of the information so that she can make an informed decision. Nobody but her knows how she feels about her boyfriend but the fact she has cheated on him leads me to believe that she is perhaps not completely into him.

    I think one of the main factors in this situation is fear and that is completely understandable. You are still dealing with coming out and that's scary, you are fearful of losing her and of causing awkwardness in the friendship group. This is fear is causing your subconscious to want to close the door on it, in ways like I can't tell her, she has a boyfriend, or it would never work anyway. Perhaps this is true, it might not work but the same can be said of any relationship when you first set out.

    I guess the biggest question in my mind is can things continue as they are?
     
  14. A hove

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 26, 2019
    Messages:
    14
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    San Antonio
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Yeah, I feel like all of the normal worries of any other relationship is sort of the same, but this feels a lot worse, it’s been almost 3 years since I’ve known her and we’ve never been completely honest with each other...
    I don’t know if things can continue the way that they are. It’s getting harder for me to be around her and just act like a friend. It’s very hard to do... I hate this situation that I’m in and it makes me feel like the best thing to do is just distance myself and let all of it go. Being a friend to someone you have strong feelings for can be very tough, especially when you can’t act like anything has changed.
     
  15. A hove

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 26, 2019
    Messages:
    14
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    San Antonio
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Fear has definitely played a huge role in the way this has gone so far. I didn’t want to make it into something it wasn’t in the beginning. Meaning that she has never actually told me she was bisexual and I think it took her feelings for me to maybe start to realize it? I didn’t want to cross any boundaries and look where it got me this time... I was fearful that this was all in my head, up until we had sex for the second time and now it’s too late.
     
  16. silverhalo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2008
    Messages:
    10,197
    Likes Received:
    3,321
    Location:
    England,
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I don't think you have handled it badly, I mean apart from having sex with her whilst she has the boyfriend but we all make decisions which with our heart that given the time again we might change. I was getting the feeling that things could only continue as they are for so long and then they were going to come to a head one way or another at some point. You are the one in the situation and you know her best so if you think distance is the best course of action then go for it.

    Perhaps whilst you do that you can use the time to just work on getting yourself into a position where you feel able to come out to more people :slight_smile:
     
    #16 silverhalo, Aug 10, 2019
    Last edited: Aug 10, 2019