I apologise in advance for the wall of text. And thank you if you read it all! I've been questioning my gender for a little while now and I have a lot of developing thoughts and questions and things. As a young child I didn't really have any issue with gender. At least not that I was concious of or that I can remember. I knew there were boys and girls and since I had a vagina that meant I was a girl. I suppose I never really saw any reason to question it back then. I wasn't the girlyest girl, but I wasn't especially tomboyish either. I had friends who were girls and friends who were boys. I guess gender just didn't seem like that big of a deal back then. Things started to change more as a teenager going through puberty. I'd always been shy, but as the years went on I just became increasingly socially awkward and uncomfortable and my self-esteem plummeted. I wanted to fit in and be popular, so I tried wearing make up and emulating different clothing styles because I thought people would like me better that way. But I always hated spending time putting make up on, it seemed like a waste of time to me and it seemed no matter what clothes I put on I never felt like I looked right. I remember one specific occasion in particular when I went out shopping, wearing this outfit that looked really good, I looked attractive and pretty and fashionable. But the whole time I was out I felt like I was pretending to be someone else. It felt so fake, just like everything else. Even though I knew it was probably the most 'attractive' I'd ever looked (to this day my granny still occasionally brings up how she thought it really suited me and I should dress like that more often, even though it was years years ago), I never wore it again. I've always kind of had an issue with how I looked. I've always felt a bit strange seeing myself in pictures or in the mirror, like I didn't really know why but I felt like I didn't look right. Like even though I recognised it was me, it felt kind of like I was looking at a stranger and it was something that definitely got progressively worse throughout being a teenager. Generally nowadays I just avoid looking at myself all together, especially full length mirrors. It's like seeing myself like that is just this massive reminder of how what everyone else sees when they look at me is just nothing like how I feel I look in my head. It's just all wrong somehow. I've also often felt weirdly disconnected from myself, sort of as if my mind was just planted into this body and it's not really mine. I never really associated those feelings with gender, but once I started questioning I began to think maybe it could be the reason behind them. In terms of dysphoria around my body I think it kind of varies and generally it's not extreme. When I'm on my own I'm usually not bothered much about my breasts, they're kind of just there, although I do like how I look flat-chested. But when I go out or am around people I'll often feel very concious of them and that people will look at me and see a girl. I'd say hips are probably the worst though. I have quite wide hips and I hate them. I've had a lot of comments/compliments from girls I know, saying that they're envious of my figure and want to have bigger hips like mine and it's always made me so uncomfortable. Like I used to try and be happy or grateful for the compliment, but really it would just make me want to be able to swap for the other girl's narrower hips. It makes me feel hopeless as well, because while I could wear a binder to flatten my breasts or change my hairstyle or do whatever else to change my appearance, there's nothing I can really do about my hips, because it's how the bone is structured. And it frustrates me because it makes me feel I could never pass as a guy. I don't think I really have much dysphoria about my genitals. I mean I could definitely quite happily live without a vagina/uterus. It's not like they do anything useful; just cause me annoyance and discomfort by bleeding for a few days every month. I did try stimulating the vagina by putting things in when I first started masturbating, but it just felt a bit weird and mildly uncomfortable so I didn't bother with it any more and stuck to the clitoris, which is probably the one bit of my genitals that I actually like. (So the only bit of my genitals I have any interest in apparently is the part that would have developed into a penis if I'd had XY chromosomes instead of XX, go figure) I've also sometimes had these odd urges, like if I saw a fleshlight or something like that, I'd really want to use it. Like I wanted to put my penis in it, but obviously I don't have one, so it just seemed kind of strange. I always kind of labelled it and various other thoughts/feelings (like thinking about sex changes and wondering if I'd ever want one, wishing I could at least try having a male body somehow even just temporarily to see if I'd like it better etc.) as just a weird curiosity. It's kind of struck me as something that seems odd for someone to think if they're cisgendered. I've started to think maybe I could be bigender, because I don't think I'm completely not female. Like I still feel some sort of connection to 'femaleness' although I feel like the maleness in me is generally more dominant. I'm not a hundred percent sure though. I've always been kind of afraid of change and the idea of transitioning (having to tell people, go see professionals etc.) is terrifying to me. It's like a part of me wants to stay depressed and sad just because it's what I'm used to. So I don't know if I'm just clinging to the 'femaleness' for that reason. I don't know, maybe I can just go with bigender for now, since it seems like the closest fit at the moment and I can always change my mind later on as I keep questioning. I mean it took going through a few different labels over time with my sexuality, before I actually realised I was asexual. I'd appreciate any thoughts or advice. If you think I could be bigender or something else? Or if anyone has had similar experiences or anything?