Hi, sorry for being long. Im so confused & just want to know what & who I am (gender and sexuality). Its been 12 years and still don’t know. I feel sad/depression alot. Only time im not really sad is when Im doing sport, uni or with GF. I have learnt to smile even when I sad in front of people. I don’t want to be gay or bi, or multuple gender. For long time I supressed this all, saying its not me and it was just a phase, but I don’t know anymore, its killing me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I have a GF I love and see future with. I just want to know what and who I am. Where do I start. I have always dated girls, never boys. I crossdressing as child and stopped when I was 12 saying it wasn’t me, just a phase. When I hit 12 I did the normal boy thing and was transfixed with girls (not a though or sign of any gay or bi feelings). When I was 17 I suddenly started having/exhibiting gay/bi feelings and stuff. By expressing attraction to femminity in guys. Sexuality I'm attracted to femininity, physical and personality. I love girlness. I love soft, gental, girly and geeky/nerdy, sweet. Big, loud, boyish is big turn off. Masc is big turn off. Even tho I exhibit masc traits at the moment and with sport and stuff I do. I see people in the street (men & women) and I can see their attractive, but not be sexuality attracted to them. But I can see femininity (men & women) and see that im attracted (see their attractive and sexually) to that, femininity. Sorry don’t know how to put it. But when I talk to them they have like a masc personality and not feel or be attracted to them even if their super fem. But on the other hand I can meet somebody I noticed and not attracted to and talk to them and find out there so sweet and nice and love of girly fem stuff and suddenly be super attracted to them. Just muscles do look good but not if attached to femside. I arranged a couple dates with guys (who super fem personality and geeky, but gym type body) before I met my GF, to see if im gay or bi, but they started being extreme sexual degrading stuff towards me, to the point I cried before the first date so I cancelled. Rape stuff and threatening after I cancelled. I don’t think I could see myself with guy, I want children and stuff. Now im with GF I don’t know if I ever will know and will constant wonder and feel sad. Gender Im masc overall. Even tho I don’t like masc much, but exhibit it with stuff I like doing. I seem to flip between masc and fem. I noticed when dating women I total super masc and when single my fem comes out (secret - I have to hide it from family and be masc all the time around them). I feel like a man and woman. Now, at the moment being with my GF I feel like a guy, and masc. I act masc. I suppress all my girly stuff. But lately ive been feel fem side again and womanly. When I was a child I cross-dressed allot. It felt so good. Love the feel of the clothes on me and how they made feel and look. I felt so fem, beautiful and womanly. Love the way my ruby red lip and eye shade made me look and curled hair, and bit of blusher, hehe. But I stop said it wasn’t me and suppressed it. I am now hairy cant pull it off. I constantly look at woman's clothes and make up, wishing I could wear it and feel like I did. Doing my make up and hair. I constantly picture my self as a women being with guys or at-least both of us as super fem guys together. I want to feel like princess and treated like girl. But aswell I can flip and feel like a guy. What am I . I don’t want to be gay or bi or multiple genders. im sorry for it being long and not well written.
