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Confused and need advice

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by delilahm, Sep 15, 2020.

  1. delilahm

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    Hi there,

    I'm 19 and have identified as bisexual for around 3 years now, and recently I went on a date with a guy, and we had a really great time. I've liked him for a little while and have been thinking he was cute, wanting to closer to him, etc. but then when he kissed me I realized I didn't like it. Now I don't know if this is because it was my first kiss and not what I expected, or if he surprised me, but it immediately made me less excited about the prospect of dating him.

    Before this, I had been questioning whether or not I was actually a lesbian for a little while, but ultimately had not come to any conclusion. I just didn't see it as that important. I thought (and still think?) I was attracted to some guys, so therefore I couldn't be a lesbian. But then I got to thinking after the date that I really dislike the idea of having sex with a man, but am not put off by the idea of having sex with a woman. But again, I'm confused, because I do also have a paranoia of becoming pregnant, so idk if that's where part of this stems from.

    Honestly, I just don't know if I should say anything to the guy or not. Should I give it a couple more dates/kisses to see if it was just a one-time dislike? Or should I tell him as soon as possible that I'm unsure of my sexuality? The frustrating part is that I do like this guy quite a bit, but I'm confused as to whether or not it's intense platonic feelings being pushed into the convential romantic ones, or if I really do like him.
     
  2. Really

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    Hey there @delilahm ! Welcome to EC! I’m sure you’ll get lots of support here and read many similar stories. Don’t worry if it takes you a while to figure all this out. You’ll get there in the end. :}

    I don’t think you can figure this out based on one kiss where it sounds like you weren’t prepared for it and so, maybe not “there” mentally. But you also mention you dislike the idea of sex with a man which could be general inexperience but as you’re not averse to sex with a woman, I’d say that those two combined are something to put into the lesbian column but only you can decide that going forward.

    There’s no harm in going out a few more times to see if there’s actually something there but if you really aren’t feeling it after one or maybe two times, there’s no shame in telling him you like him but don’t feel it’s going to progress romantically. If you want to mention your sexuality, you certainly can but if you aren’t ready or don’t feel comfortable doing that, you don’t have to. People call things off for all sorts of reasons and simply “not feeling it” is a perfectly acceptable one.

    You’ve got this. :slight_smile:
     
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  3. PeterWI

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    Have you kissed a woman before? I think you'll be able to learn a lot in the comparison.
     
  4. delilahm

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    I haven't unfortunately, though I wish I have haha
     
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  5. QuietPeace

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    You do not have to have chemistry with everyone in order to be Bi. One can be straight and not have chemistry with a particular man (this can also be generalized to every orientation). You could try a few more dates with him to see if you wish. The whole idea behind dating is getting to know someone and seeing if you do connect, it is not a commitment.
     
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  6. Contented

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    I think the consensus opinion here is to relax and continue to explore your sexuality. Dating both boys and girls should give you a clearer picture of where you find your feelings. Without taking the time to experience both genders it would be impossible for you say for certain. There is no rush as you have plenty of time to work it out. Just be honest with yourself as you experiment with your sexuality. You will eventually know the answer. Enjoy the ride!
     
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  7. mellissa

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    OMG. You're situation sounds a lot like the situation I was once in. I want to give you advice, but this is the kind of thing you have to figure out on your own. I figured it out on my own and that makes it more legitimate. By getting advice, later on when you have a moment of doubt, you might say that you were being influenced by strangers. Please tell me how it goes because I have so much to share with you.
     
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  8. BiGemini87

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    Hello, Delilah! I'm in agreement with the general consensus: It's difficult to pin your dislike of the kiss on one specific reason, because any number of factors--and/or any combination--can contribute to it. You might have good chemistry with him, but perhaps it doesn't go beyond a specific point; perhaps it's something that will take time to build on, or perhaps it's something you won't ever experience with him, but might with another guy.

    Or maybe you won't at all.

    I definitely encourage you to give it time, and above all, not to pressure yourself into feeling one way or another. If after a few more kisses/dates/what-have-you you're still not experiencing any strong physical feelings for him, it might be a good time to be honest with him--even if only to tell him you're not sure how you feel.

    Try to be patient with yourself. Figuring ourselves out is an ongoing journey, and there's no rush for you to reach a solid conclusion. You have plenty of time. :slight_smile:
     
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