1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Confused about what I should do

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Notsureaboutmyself, May 5, 2021.

  1. Hello friends,

    I've been lurking in this site for about 6 months now. I'm 23 and in a heterosexual relationship.

    I've started having doubts about my sexuality because I couldn't get it up when I hooked up with a girl ( we were both pretty drunk but I wanted to hook up with her). I started almost immediately testing myself with gay porn to see if I could get an erection while touching myself. And for a short time I could get an erection. I didn't really enjoy what I was watching but I tried masturbating to it multiple times.

    At this point I should point out that I've been mostly watching straight porn, but I've watched gay porn a couple of times out of curiosity but I didn't like it. Generally I'd say I'm pretty open minded and I've been always an advocate for LGBTQ+ rights, but I couldn't stop thinking about it and it was causing me great distress because I didn't want to be forced to have sex with men ( I don't want to make it sound like it's something bad, but I just feel that I wouldn't enjoy it), so I talked to my then therapist.

    She reassured me a lot that my failure to get an erection meant nothing and I shouldn't worry about it ( she's a member of a government funded charity in my country, that helps LGBTQ+ people that are immunocompromised). Even though that helped for a bit I couldn't shake the thought ,and I was googling about it every single day while still testing myself with porn. So I talked to my parents about it when I was at my lowest point (suicidal thoughts and half-attempt). They were supportive and my father proposed I see a close friend of his who's a psychiatrist ( my dad is also a doctor). I also need to specify that my parents aren't homophobic to any extent and they would support me whatever was the result of my questioning. The psychiatrist is also a psychotherapist and a professor at a very prestigious university here. After asking me about my sexuality and my thoughts he diagnosed me with General Anxiety Disorder and early symptoms of OCD.

    After six months of therapy and a mix of antidepressants and benzodiazepines I was at a point where I thought I could manage this situation but I'm struggling again. It's very hard because I do love my girlfriend but I don't know if I enjoy having sex with her due to the constant thoughts involving homosexuality I have during sex. I love her very much but I don't want to be with her if it turns out I'm gay, since it would hurt us both. She knows about this issue thoroughly so I don't really feel like I'm fooling her, but it still hurts. Should I see my psychiatrist again, or find a new one? Should I break up with her? I'm not on anti-depressents any more because I felt like they didn't help after a point, should I start taking them again?
    Thank you for your time.
     
  2. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,551
    Likes Received:
    4,750
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    This is an OCD problem. Everyone occasionally has problems with erections, especially when alcohol is involved.

    Your psychiatrist is correct. I'd go back and discuss. You may need either a higher dose or a different medication, but this has nothing to do with same sex attraction, it's all OCD.
     
    Lemony likes this.
  3. Lemony

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 18, 2020
    Messages:
    317
    Likes Received:
    138
    Location:
    Australia
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Agree 100% with Chip here.