Confused about my feelings

Hi everyone. I am a 31 year old male. I kind of constantly keep thinking about my sexuality, questioning and confused about it. I am starting to get stressed that why I can't figure it out. Or, maybe I have figured out but somehow I am not convinced or maybe I am just not ready or able to accept. All these freak me out. I feel like if I could disappear or start over. I am sharing my thoughts and experiences and I hope that someone can help me to make some sense out of it.

When in high school any talks about heterosexual sex didn't appeal to me. Out of curiosity, I went to a cyber cafe and started searching on web terms like vagina, penis, sex, intercourse, porn etc. Images of penis and naked men drew my attention more than images of breast and vagina, and I started searching more for them. When I discovered the pleasure of masturbating, I would do so, as far as I remember, without thinking or fantasizing about anyone, simply for pleasure. Even today though I may get aroused by men but as soon as I start masturbating I would focus only on myself. In college as I started watching straight porn, I found myself fixated on men in the video. I liked the foreplay part more, but most of them don't have much. So, I saw soft porn which I liked better. When I saw gay porn, here also I liked foreplay part more. Gay foreplay actually aroused me. I never liked the intercourse part in any porn. Then, I started watching the gay themed films and quite liked them. I would be sexually attracted and also emotionally attached to men I see in other movies too.

I also get attracted to women. I will notice a beautiful women passing by but there is no strong physical/sexual attraction as is there in the case of men. Unlike with men, I would not get strongly aroused seeing a women even when naked. Though, I have romantic fantasies with women. I think of loving them, taking care of them, spending a life with them. But, I am not able to visualise myself spending whole life with a man. I am also a socially anxious person, so I don't know if my lack of sexual attraction towards women is just because of anxiety.

I have never been in a relationship, and recently joined a dating app to start finding someone for a long term relationship. I searched for both men and women and found that I am attracted to or feel a connection with lesser percentage of men I see as compared to a larger percentage of women I see. When I say connection, I mean I would like to meet them, talk to them and spend time with them. It is like I am more choosy about men than women. That upsets and confuses me about my sexuality as there are only a limited men that interest me. But those men who do, I feel stronger of a sexual desire for them than any woman.

While searching web for all this I found that romantic orientation and sexual orientation can be different. With women I normally fantasize a warmth and calm in the relationship. When I fantasize about men, I feel an excitement and chill. I guess, I get more romantic feelings for women but more sexual feelings for men.

I have had a few close male and female friends. With the female friend, I started developing feelings of care and affection and had desire to spend my full life with her though there was little sexual attraction even after years of acquaintance. With the male friend also, I developed similar feelings of affection in addition to having sexual attraction, but never felt like being together for whole life. This is just how I felt. As I mentioned, I was not in a relationship with any of them. I am not able to go ahead with a relationship with either a woman or a man because of above feelings.

I wonder if I have sexual attraction towards men because it is a forbidden fruit as per normal societal standards. Or, those feelings are just of jealousy because I don't look as good as them. I see myself as a slightly feminine male. So, is that why I get attracted towards men?

I would appreciate any help from anyone. It would be great to hear from someone I can relate to. I guess I am not alone who feels in this way. I would love to 'come out' of this dilemma. As of now, I see myself as of bi-romantic orientation and grey-asexual + homoflexible orientation.

 

Thank you @quebec for the warm welcome to Empty Closets. I had been searching the internet for a long time for a community where I could talk about my feelings and I am glad to find EC. Writing on EC helps me put out and share my feelings. It puts me at ease. Reading many posts with similar experiences as mine helps me analyse and understand my situation better. @I'm gay and @quebec ! Thanks for your comments. A serious thought about my sexual orientation, recalling my feelings and experiences, leads me to the conclusion that 'I am gay'. I have been trying to ignore, counter and falsify, what is very obvious because of the shame and fear. And I still feel scared writing it clearly here that 'I am gay'. I guess, I had been trying to fit myself to some category which may be somewhat better that directly saying gay as @I'm gay pointed out. When I read my own post as if someone else had written it, I would too say to that person that you are gay. If I were in a world where being gay was as acceptable I would have identified as gay.

But still, I keep finding myself in the loop of denial and acceptance.

• I try to relate my personality traits with my sexual orientation. What if I have attraction towards men because I want a strong, confident and protecting partner (because I am shy, fearful, under-confident, self-depreciating), but then what does that have to do with sexual orientation? In fact, it may be the other way. I have been more secluded and in control of myself (disciplined) because I don't want others to see the real me. I don't want to be rejected. Or maybe they are not so related.
• I do notice women. Maybe I don't get sexual arousal because I am anxious and nervous. It happens even with men when I get nervous about approaching them or they approaching me. But at least I feel sexual attraction with men at the first place which I don't with women even to start with. Anxiety about meeting is secondary. And why even in my comfort zone while just visualizing in my mind, I don't feel attraction towards women?
• After all, sometimes, fantasizing about woman does get me aroused. It would be all right when I meet the right woman. But, I can still feel a lack of passion and it seems robotic. It is all about her pleasure and not mine. I am just trying to please her so that she doesn't doubt.
• What if I am straight and making a mistake? What if vice versa?
• May be I am just afraid of marriage and commitment (having seen many unhappy couples including my parents). And I chose to being gay as it will get rid me of marriage.... and now I can't get back to being straight. But then on a second thought, of course this can not be true. I am not doing this to avoid marriage.
• Most importantly, when I look into the feelings since my teenage to early adulthood, I have a natural attraction for men. All this complex thinking process was not started then. Only now since last 2 years, when my parents want me to marry, I have gone into a vicious thought process.

I constantly keep visualizing and prodding my feelings. I even try to act on some visualizations to see my reactions, even when I probably know what the reality is. I don't know how to come out of this loop. I feel very scared what if something goes very wrong. What happens with my parents, my friends.... will they accept me? would I be left alone? I don't want to hurt anyone even though it hurts me. Marrying a woman would hurt my partner, not marrying also may hurt my parents. It would hurt me to hurt them. Sometimes, I wish if I could just disappear or was never born or go to a distant place far from all this. It even leads to the thoughts like 'meaning and purpose of life and existence'. Where do I start?

 

Also, I notice that many men here who have similar experiences to me regarding their sexual orientation.... they have been in a relationship with women or dated them. They didn't find it fitting or they lose interest in women or they had gay desires in the background which were very strong.

Now, I have not dated a woman. Is it OK to say that I can't have a relationship with them which involves sex?
I have not even dated a man, so can't I say that my sexual attraction towards them is just a temporary desire and may not evolve in a relationship.

But then I have met both men and women in my life. I didn't want to date a woman because they would expect me being straight which I am not and I may hurt her and just waste her time. I could not date a man, because I don't know if the other guy is gay. However, I do want to pursue further exploration. Am I blocking my feelings somewhere here either for men or women or both?

 

@Unsure77 ! Thanks for your comment. I got very nervous and hot while I wrote here that I am gay. I have tried many times standing in front of mirror and asserting loudly, but could not. I go back to my circle of denial and acceptance, saying that let me re-evaluate.
Ughh... feels like I am too much confused or confusing myself. Some way to break this trap?

 

Same for me. When young, I had these desires and attraction and arousal but still considered myself straight and just wondered. At that time I didn't know anything about being gay. I didn't know if it was normal and if others too feel the same way.

I would approach him. If I were in a world where being gay was as acceptable I would have identified as gay.

Yeah, I too found many stories very similar to mine and that helped me analyse and understand my situation better. I have seen many videos of people sharing their experiences and their stories and I could relate to myself.

When watching gay porn, I was more interested in knowing their journey. How did they meet? How did they bond? What they experienced? Their hurdles in the journey? And I started watching gay themed films and short films on YouTube. I might have watched dozens of them, and I would visualize myself there and was comfortable with it. In those days, though I knew that being gay is a social stigma, I was ok with my feelings inside me.... only I never let them be seen. In college, I used to think that I am young now.... I need not be in any relationship now.... plus who else is here who is gay, so there is no one for a relationship.... I will deal with it later.

Recently I have seen Love Simon and Call me by your name. Nice movies.

So, I see that I know what the truth is. But I am scared to deal with it. @Unsure77 , @out2019 , @Me2b thanks for help and bringing me the clarity. I guess, I should start working on to accept the reality instead of keep denying it. Last and the only time when I went to a therapist to discuss this, I couldn't bring this point up.... I digressed totally. I guess, I can see a therapist again.

 

Also, I am more scared because there is no one I can look for support during the journey because I know it is not going to be easy and it will take time and I will need some support and encouragement. Otherwise, I may drop out in between the process.

 

When I saw the movie Alex Strangelove, I could totally relate myself to Alex.

 

Exactly. I know that marrying a woman, I will ruin both our lives. But, I also don't know how to tell my parents. I suspect that they may try to force me into marriage. However, they may not be able to because I am a strong and independent individual in our family now. But still the thought of hurting them is unbearable.