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Confused about gender.

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by CooPo, Aug 7, 2018.

  1. CooPo

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    All but family
    Ok, this is gonna sound weird, and I'm sorry if I offend anyone. (Small note, came out bisexual this year.)
    I should ask a professional but I am not comfortable with that yet, that's hard to get too, especially with homophobic and DEFINITELY transphobic parents. So I'm here, hoping to find an answer to why why I feel so confused.

    Recently, I've been feeling uncomfortable/annoyed with gender stereotypes especially with my friend group, all my close friends are female, I just get along with females much better, yet I feel excluded whether its going to the bathrooms and being separated from them, if its getting changed, i feel left out, which I feel some people may take as perverted because, nakedness. I feel disconnected when talking about generally female topics, conversations I cannot contribute in because I am male. Overall, just not happy with my social situation.
    My body and genitals is a strange grey area, I don't really care about them, I'm not exactly uncomfortable my body, but I dislike it and I would not be against suddenly being able to switch sex. My main problem is in the social aspect. I want to be able to be close with my friends, I tend to be a clingy person, but people that see would assume I'm dating one of them.

    Recently me, and my other three friends, (all female, like I said) had a small party, and because it was just us and (We will call her Jess) Jess' mother, we all did our makeup, including myself because why not, I'm pretty gay. When I did that, I felt a lot happier with myself, I was more comfortable and I could look in a mirror and like what I see, basically I was comfortable with being feminine and more outgoing.

    So, with all that said, could that be considered dysphoria? I am very hesitant to suddenly decide something like this, since I don't want to take away from people who are trans and need to transition, when I think dysphoria, I think major discomfort over your body and genitals, like "you are trapped in the wrong gender". I don't think I have that, I'm not the most educated on dysphoria and trans, so that's why I'm here, and I hope I am not offending people with what I've said or the terms I use.

    I tried talking to Jess about this, but that didn't help too much since I felt i came off as stupid and maybe perverted, "I feel left out when I can't get changed with everyone else, when I have to get kicked out of the room so everyone else can change clothes." Saying that to her made me feel I came off wrong, so I just ended up dropping it, because I was never gonna be able to get my point across.

    Sorry this is really long. But thanks if you took your time to read and answer.

    Coopo.
     
  2. DreamerAsh

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
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    Some people
    The changing room thing sounds like your trans to me. I personally, when I was younger wanted to do things the opposite gender did, very often.

    But, you liking makeup and being gay makes me wonder, if perhaps you're just a feminine guy. You don't necessarily need to transition like medically to be comfortable with yourself. (it's a bit confusing about your birth gender to explain this part)

    I could be wrong though. I'd say it could go either way with you. Just keep transitioning at a steady pace, do what feels right. That's how I figured out who I was, because I woke up one day with everything in my life being dominantly male, and I realized I was male, no doubt about it. If, I had held myself back I wouldn't have realize that. So, don't do that to yourself. Just focus on what feels right to you and go from there. Things will become more clear as time goes on.

    Wishing you luck on your journey~
     
    Hanyauku likes this.
  3. CooPo

    Regular Member

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    Thank you, if I am, my only issue now is a matter of being accepted, the area and school I live in is not very open to the idea of transitioning and my family is very against it.
    Your reply helped, thank you.
     
  4. Hanyauku

    Full Member

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    Hey CooPo! First, only you can know if you're trans. We can certainly do our best to help ascertain the situation, but ultimately you know yourself better than anyone. Also, welcome to EC! :slight_smile:

    So, in regards to your post, it does seem like you have some form of gender dysphoria. It also seems like you've experienced gender euphoria, which can be helpful in figuring things out as well. Let's start with the negative feelings first. Gender dysphoria comes in many forms, and it is different for each individual who deals with it. Social and physical are two strands of dysphoria often experienced by trans and questioning people. Like you, I feel a lot of social dysphoria. I feel left out by my female friends, even though I'm out to them as gay and we get along well. They just don't treat me the same as their female friends because they see me as male, interested in men or not. And that certainly irks me. I also dislike male pronouns, my birth name, and just being perceived as a man. And like you, I don't really like my body, but I don't get sick at the sight of it. I am actively working on getting on hormones, and I want boobs and a vagina, but even if I couldn't medically transition, I would still socially transition. A lot of people don't think they can be transgender because they haven't felt trapped in the wrong body since they were four. This isn't the case. Whether or not you are trans, your feelings of gender dysphoria are valid and shouldn't be diminished. If I really search through my memories of childhood, I can find some signs of me being trans, but they're definitely not overwhelming. I didn't really start having strong feelings of being trans until I was entering college. Just be careful comparing your situation to others.

    Less commonly known, but equally as helpful in determining identity, is gender euphoria. This is positive feelings associated with being perceived as, or doing things associated with, your target gender. In your case, feeling confident and happy when wearing makeup. Do you have any other examples of you experiencing gender dysphoria? For me, I love being referred to with feminine pronouns and my chosen name when I'm seeing my gender therapist, I feel more comfortable in women's clothes, I have my eyebrows waxed in a more feminine shape, and I'm also getting into makeup, although I'm pretty bad at it! You could try some of the things I mentioned, as well as shaving your legs, buying feminine beauty supplies, like women's shampoo, conditioner, lotions, face washes etc, and seeing how it makes you feel. I think at this point, experimenting to see what feels right would be beneficial in helping you determine your identity.

    The main thing to remember in all of this is that there's no rush to figure everything out. Questioning your gender is a big deal, and it's perfectly okay to take your time. And if you determine that you're not trans, so what? Questioning yourself to figure out exactly who you are will only make you a better person.

    P.S., it's awesome that you're wanting to talk to people about this, even if it didn't necessarily go great when you spoke to your friend. Don't let that discourage you, and if you want to open up to people about how you're feeling, it will help. I think sometimes we feel that the only time we can talk to people about sexual orientation or gender identity is when we are sure of our identity, and we've decided to come out to them. I guess when people are less accepting it's risky to just say "hey, I might be gay", "or, I'm questioning my gender", because you don't want negative repercussions if you turn out not to be. But it seems like your friends are pretty nice and accepting of you. And having someone to talk to about this kind of stuff is so incredibly helpful.
     
  5. CooPo

    Regular Member

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    The gender euphoria is a completely new term to me, so thank you, I know a little more and it'll help greatly. I don't think pronouns affect me that much but I'll have to experiment and keep track of myself to understand. Speaking on eyebrows, I've always felt mine were uneven and I wanted them to be "nicer" I guess? In your words "making them a more feminine shape" But whenever I'd say that everyone would shut me down and say "but you're a guy, it's ok." Same with leg and rest of body hair, I want to remove it, but again, I'm told otherwise. I've always thought of those feelings as just self-loathing and wanting to be better, never thought of it as "dysphoria" since I feel that it is a sensitive topic and I don't wanna take away from people who are, have or need to transition.
    I've always had long hair, ever since I was a child, and I'm happy with that, people used to say "you look like a girl" and it never bothered me, since I never liked having short hair, my dad doesn't like it though.
    If I end up transitioning, it'll be a challenge, and fingers crossed everyone around me will be supportive, at least the friends from the party, their opinion means most to me.

    Thank you, the two of you, from trying to find a safe place to talk about it to joining a forum I never knew existed and getting really helpful advice and information. I don't know if I will be active on here, if it will become a normal routine for me to be here, but it's been great so far! And if I do become active, I'd love to people updated, just like a little safe place where I can talk about things.