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Confused about feelings

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by ErinS, May 7, 2018.

  1. ErinS

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    This will be long and winded but I am desperately seeking advice...

    My close friend and I helped each other going through some pretty significant divorces to two horrible men. We were each other’s shoulders and greatest defense against our exes. We both have kids and use to text constantly, she was he last person I talked to at night and the first one I talked to in the morning. I’m not a very emotional person but with her I felt the connection right away. We would hug every time we saw each other, kiss cheeks, and hold hands. When our kids would have sleepovers we would hold hands and sleep in the same bed. I really started to get confused where the line of our friendship was and started wondering what if we crossed it further. I never discussed this with her, instead I oppresses it, moved 40 minutes away, and got remarried, and we grew apart. Now it’s been on my mind constantly and I can’t help wondering what if.....

    *Insert liquid courage here* I ended up telling her how confused I was and how I thought I might have feelings for her that were deeper than friendship. We still text off and on but haven’t hung out in over 2 years. She responded by saying that she didn’t know what to say and that I’ve had a lot of time to reflect on it so that’s what she is doing because it’s a lot to process. Is it possible she feels the same is just worried she will screw up my marriage? Or is she trying to figure out the kindest way to let me down gently? It’s been 3 weeks since I told her and I don’t understand why it’s taking her so long to respond. I’m not even sure what I intended by telling her other than it being on the back of my mind for years.

    I should say that I have never been interested in females before so this whole thing really confuses me and I’m not sure what I want.

    Any advice?
     
  2. BiBarefeet

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    Hiya,
    That seems not a totally untypical story to me...two people of the same sex, brought a up in a heterosexual society, believing that they are heterosexual and with nothing to seriously question those beliefs - until recently.
    I do not know either of you or anything about your thoughts, feelings, upbringing etc. But I believe that you are in the early stages of coming to terms with the fact that you may not be "straight". That is a massive thing to realize, especially when you have had a husband, children, and a completely heterosexual life. Some people can start to process it and work through these thoughts and feelings, whilst others go into complete denial about it and then start to reject anything that they realize made them feel awkward about their sexuality. Perhaps this is what is happening with your friend.
    From personal experience I have found that denial of any homosexual thoughts or behaviour as being "homosexual", allowed me to continue doing those things, safe in the knowledge that it was "nothing", and "normal". Once I really started to think about that behaviour, and the potential for what it meant, I went through various stages of denial, anger, hurt, frustration and helplessness, before I came to accept those things as part of me, whether they were homosexual in nature or not.
    Personally, I would give it a few more days. If I had heard nothing, then I would attempt to write to that special person, apologise if I had hurt them in some way, and just tell them that it is fine and that I would rather have their platonic friendship than nothing at all...and perhaps jog their memory by recalling the good times that you experienced as friends and that these are things that you do not want to lose.
    If I was on the receiving end of a mail like that, having been in the situation of your friend, then I would at least feel confident enough to open up a dialogue with my friend and even if I stayed in denial, then I could at least explain to my friend that anything more than friendship is too much for me to handle. And then, my friend (in your situation, you) would then at least be able to move forward with a friendship and see whether, now they know about me and my feelings, they may be brave enough in the future to open up to me a little more about their own thoughts and feelings on the subject.
    I hope that helps. But best of luck x
     
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  3. ErinS

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    The thing is there isn’t a friendship there to say that. I’ve told her multiple times that I miss being friends and that I wish I knew what I did to make her not want to spend time together anymore. She just says she’s been busy but 2 years of being busy is insane and I know there is another reason. My thought is she felt it too and got scared, then I moved away and she felt abandoned. But I can’t get her to talk about any of it. Looking back I remember after her kids were in bed and she called me over because she’s been drinking. I was in a relationship at the time. She was in a nighty (not langerie but nothing I had ever seen her in, she’s a T-shirt and sweatshirt kind of girl because she’s overweight and insecure about her body) She was upset bashing herself like she does a lot and was laying in my lap telling me how good I smelt but that I’d eventually leave her like everyone else and that I’m not interested in her because I like dicks. It was very hard for me not to say anything because at that time the thought had already occurred to me to push the friendship line further but I wasn’t about to do that when she was in a bad place. Another time she went out of town for work and I was the one to drop her off and pick her up from the airport. When I dropped her off she was telling me how she answered and add online while she was away and had a 3 sum with a married couple. I didn’t press further because I was still in denial about my feelings for her. And then I moved away, was the only one trying to get together with her and she was always busy. Very very confused
     
  4. BiBarefeet

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    Ok. Well like you said, she may have felt vulnerable and abandoned by you, especially after opening up to you like she clearly seems to have done. Maybe she just does not want to know anyone in that part of her life anymore due to the negative emotions that these thoughts provoke. Even though it sounds like you did nothing wrong, over time people's memories get a little fried and they occasionally lump everything together during that period as a bad thing. She sounds like she has no trust for anyone. So if you are serious in any way about her I would keep persisting with her. Otherwise, you may as well give up and put her in your past too. But whatever you do, just don't get stuck in between both camps. Otherwise your hurt will go on as well.
     
  5. ErinS

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    I completely included her in the process of me buying my home 40 minutes away. She was the first person I brought to our house (my son and I) She knew I was buying it out of town because I couldn’t afford any of the houses in town. She even joked about one of the rooms being hers and her kids and I told her she could pick up the paint colors. Before I made an offer on the house I asked her how she felt about me moving and that she was the only person that I would stay in town for but she kept expressing how happy she was for us and that she couldn’t wait for sleepovers in the new house. Then once I moved they slept over once and then crickets, always busy with activities and other play dates where as before she always made us a priority. Then I wanted to meet for drinks and apps one night and she made it very clear that it was the only night she could get a sitter so she would see if she could squeeze me in between other friends. It made me feel like I definitely didn’t matter anymore so I got mad and told her I don’t want to be squeezed in I just want to spend time with her. And that was that. I sent her a letter last year telling her how much I miss her and that it felt like something was missing without her in my life. I asked if we could talk it out one night, yell at each other if we need to. 2 weeks went by and I got a short letter back telling me that there is nothing left to talk about and she’s said all she needs to say (we haven’t talked about it at all!) then a few months later our kids happen to be in the same gymnastics class. It was awkward at first, we didn’t even say hi to eachoher. Then I decided to sit next to her and we talked like nothing had changed and our connection was back. My son ended up sleeping over at her place that night too. Then I tried to get together again with her and the kids and the same thing happened, she was always busy!
     
  6. ErinS

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    Also...thank you so much for replying! I have no one to talk to about any of this besides her and it has been really stressful
     
  7. BiBarefeet

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    I don't know what to suggest hun to be honest, you sound like you have tried all the usual and suitable methods of communication with her. It sure is odd behaviour that she is displaying, and I'm sure that it is confusing and disappointing for you to be left in the dark like that.
    If you have no real idea why she changed towards you, then very slightly back again for a short period recently, before becoming distant and uncommunicative again, then I have no idea myself. But I'm sure there are lots of other people on here with more insight into your situation than I do. But I really wish you the best of luck with it, and I'm always around here and there if you just need to chat/vent x
     
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  8. ErinS

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    Thank you! I am 30 and she is 40 so maybe there is a disconnect with the age difference as well. I’m not very good at reading hints either, especially with how someone is feeling. I’m a very unemotional person so I’m much better at understanding tangible feelings and people being blunt with me, I hate guessing!
     
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  9. BiBarefeet

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    Well I do not know either of you, but you sound very level headed and caring...and a nice person. And you deserve to be happy. The age difference is not a problem once you are in your late 20s onwards, in my opinion. I'm like you, I cannot read hints well. I like people to be straightforward with me about things...
     
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  10. ErinS

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    Thank you, I’ve been feeling crazy lately and needed to hear that
     
  11. BiBarefeet

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    Anytime sweetness x
     
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  12. ErinS

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    I tried to private message you but it won’t let me and I couldn’t figure out the public profile messages you have sent me..ha! I’m like an 80 year old trying to figure out technology!

    Anyways thanks for checking in. I’m still waiting on a response from her and slowly going crazy! I definitely want her in my life but you can’t make someone want to be in yours...we will see
     
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  13. BiBarefeet

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    Hi Erin. PM is only available for full members but check your privacy settings in your profile. As long as things say "member" then you should be ok. Either then open the wall conversation up ("show conversation"), or go to my profile posts and just write a new message straight to there like that.
    Good to hear that you are ok though. Keep at it hun x
     
  14. confused04

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    Hi Erin: WOW. I have been searching for years and years for a story like mine. And by years, I mean since 2003. Mine is similar in some respects, and differing in others.

    It was my senior year of college, and I was freaking out because GRADUATION, and I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life (still don't, really). I played rugby in college, and me and my friends lived in the 'rugby house.' It was early in the year, and we were throwing a party, and I got to talking to a freshman that was on the team. Her older sister also went to our school, and played rugby. Her sister was a senior when I was a freshman.

    Anyway, we ended up talking for 3 hours that night, and were basically inseperable from that moment on. Fast forward a few months, and she was acting a little weird, and I kept asking her what was up, but she wouldn't tell me.

    Finally, one night at a party, I was up in my room (drunk, obviously), and she came up and said she was ready to tell me what was wrong. She leaned in and kissed me. It was the last thing I expected, and it was all a blurry haze. She stepped back, and looked at me for my reaction and all I could say was "I'm sorry, I am straight."

    She ran downstairs, and I ran into my bed, sobbing hysterically. I wanted to climb out of my window, jump off the roof and never come back again.

    The next day she came over so we could talk about it soberly. I said the same thing to her. She said that two friends don't sleep in the same bed, or cuddle as much as we did. (she slept over on weekends because we were the party house). I shrugged and just said I liked to cuddle.

    I left for the day after that, hiding in a Barnes and Noble.

    Things were weird for a few weeks, and she never stayed over again, but things generally got back to normal.

    Fast Forward to me graduating. Nervous breakdown. Want to die...blah blah blah. In the midst of this hell, I realized I only wanted to talk to her. I thought about that. Maybe I DID have feelings for her. I told her over a phone call one day, but followed it up with "I can't handle that right now. I am barely surviving." Which was true, but still....

    It probably comes as no surprise that at the end of that summer when she went back to school, she stopped talking to me. I begged and begged for her to tell me what was wrong. She eventually said that our relationship had passed its course or something along those lines, and she was moving on.

    I was devastated. I couldn't understand where it was coming from. I stll don't, really.

    So in some ways, I am like your friend, very confused and unsure of my feelings. In other ways, I am like you, hurt because why did she pull away?

    I don't have any answers, because I haven't gotten any answers for myself from all of that., She is now married (to a man) and just had her first kid, sooo.... who knows.
     
  15. ErinS

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    Oh wow, that’s great that you finally realized you had feelings for her. I wish she would have been understanding and given you another shot. Unfortunately for me I am still in limbo and have no clue what she is feeling. I don’t think I will ever get closure. I have a hard time understanding how two people can be so close but then completely block the other person from their life with no explanation. I’m the kind of person where if I am friends with you then it’s for life, I don’t have people coming and going. So for one person, who I was the closest to, to completely block me out without giving me a reason even when I ask her to tell me if she never wants to speak to me again so I can have closure to heal...ugh the not knowing hurts
     
  16. ErinS

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    Update: 4 months later and I still have gotten no where with her. I have her one final chance and told her if I didn’t hear from her last night that I would be deleting and blocking her number so I can try to forget and move on. All she ever said to me was that she needed time to think. I was very patient with 4 months but now I have to think about myself and my emotional needs, I can’t keep wondering. I just wish she would have told me that she wasn’t interested because now all I’ll think about is that maybe she was but she didn’t want to complicate things since I’m married. Accepting that she is not a part of my life is going to be the hardest thing I ever do, I don’t feel like me without her.